Striving perfectionist evangelical, grace struggle, faith offline

[Handbaghag]

So basically, potted history, I've been a Christian 30 years, from being a teen was in evangelical church where 'doing enough for God/witnessing enough' etc etc was the culture. Grace was mentioned but not really shown or felt. This culture pushed all my perfectionist buttons. Fast forward on a few years, after poor mental health due to circumstances and big work life balance changes, moving out of that church culture into one where the pressure feels off and grace is more present, I do the Freedom in Christ course and it blows my idea of my faith out of the water. I realise my flawed relationship with my real dad, mixed with previous culture and personality type massively means my relationship with God is tinted by a false view of God as one who is disappointed in me.
Fast forward again, my faith/relationship with God has failed to kick start now for several months as I don't know where to start in rebuilding my faulty faith. I'm in Christian counseling but

Oops... Pressed wrong button..
... Would really like some advice on how to start rebuilding. Recommendation of book? Needs to be grace based. Would reading the alpha course help or does that lean to the striving/do more style of Christianity?
Sorry long post. Thanks for genuine advice. Trolls will be ignored. X

Dear Handbaghag not completely sure where you are coming from but the main thing is to know God is love and there is no fear in love. I would just encourage you to know that God loved us first, we love because he first loved us. Therefore we exist because of God’s love. I would encourage you to spend time just sitting in God’s presence, in his love - this is a form of prayer. Know he loves you and created you, have no fear because you were created from love and exist due to love.

“We have come to know and to believe in the love God has for us.
God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in him. In this is love brought to perfection among us, that we have confidence on the day of judgment because as he is, so are we in this world.There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.”

John 4 16-19

IdaBWells
Thank you. I'm coming from a position of wanting to get things back on track but feeling like my foundations are shattered. Want a relationship with His but not sure how or where to start. Weird position for me to be in as I've been in various positions of responsibility/middle leadership previously but don't seem to be able to get things off the ground without questioning the how's and whys. That doesn't make any more sense..

What is your Christian Faith community or denomination?

Now in New Frontiers but previously independent charismatic/evangelical and then (COC, now INC)

I am Catholic so very unfamiliar with these communities, how are they structured? Have you been attending a regular group/church in the last few months/years? Just asking to help understand your faith background and maybe some of your theology/beliefs about God.

Yes, have been in church my whole life: high Anglican up to age 17, evangelical from then on although haven't been much in recent weeks

Handbaghag - try Celtic Christianity stuff, I know they are very gentle in approach as a movement and I know quite a few evangelicals gel quite well with it as an antidote to the 'do more' stuff.

Pete Greig is another name that might prove interesting. He's written some very interesting books on prayer and it's very real stuff, not at all inaccessible.

So sorry you've experienced that whole 'doing' model of Christianity which really doesn't chime with who Jesus is and what he said. It must be hard to come out of that and reframe everything, but finding out who God is and what God is like can be incredibly liberating and lead you to loads of healing of past stuff.

This is a great book - explores grace in a lot of depth but is very accessible. What's So Amazing About Grace? www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0310245656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_zy82CbCCDSQ8G?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Also Pete Grieg as pp suggested.
I've recently read this and it's a very gentle book exploring the Father's love, written by a woman who went through an abusive childhood and had to learn about what God as father could possibly mean: The Father's Kiss: Living in the Reality of God's Love www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1780789882/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_FB82CbYZBM0YK?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Perhaps you need a time where you need to be gentle with yourself in order to come away from the harsh version you've known, and come towards a God who's love isn't based on what you do for him but simply on you being his child.

I currently attend an evangelical-ish HTB style CofE church. I find there's a good balance between being urged to find your own path to serve God through the wider community and just simply accepting God's love. Brilliantly insightful sermons that seem to link the everyday with the inifinite too. As Alpha originated in HTB it might well suit you.

Thanks Madhairday. I'll have a look at those books although I have 'Dirty glory'but have never read, the thought of reading about prayer when I'm a bit offline just feels a bit more like 'you need to pray more' stuff. Thanks also rufflecrow

I know this is quite an old thread by Mumsnet standards but I am in a similar situation in that my faith has changed over the years significantly and I am in the middle of a bit of a mid-life crisis as it were. I stopped going to church last year after a lifetime of active involvement in evangelical churches (i'm nearly 40) and I've come to the point of needing to reassess all my beliefs to decide where to go next if anywhere.

Two books have really helped me recently. One is Faith Shift by Katy Escobar which is about the process of going through a changing faith, it is very gentle and has some practical bits to guide you through a reflection on your life which I found absolutely invaluable www.amazon.co.uk/Faith-Shift-Finding-Forward-Everything/dp/1601425430/ref=sr_1_1?s=gateway&keywords=faith+shift&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1566334199&sr=8-1

I also find everything from Richard Rohr very helpful, especially Falling Upward. He's a Franciscan priest and more of a mystic so quite a change from evangelical thinking in a very good way in my opinion, it gives more space for resting and being than always striving to 'run the race' as we're told to do. www.amazon.co.uk/Falling-Upward-Spirituality-Halves-Life/dp/0281068917/ref=sr_1_1?s=gateway&crid=3VINUWJJ1ZEU4&keywords=richard+rohr+falling+upwards&sprefix=richard+roh%2Caps%2C435&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1566334327&sr=8-1

@Badgerwife ive got falling upward on my holiday reading list. Might give your other suggestion a go. Thanks.

Not too old a thread by phil/religion standard.