Parents encroaching on ‘our’ church

[SundayLunchHappy]

Finding it hard to articulate this irl and hoping to gain some perspective aside from my own disgruntled feelings!

Dh and I begun house hunting in this area around 5 years ago. During that time we joined one of the local churches and quickly found it was somewhere we wanted to put roots down and get involved.
We eventually found a house and also have our first DC.
We attend regularly and are on various rotas. Our dd was dedicated there and I’m part of a cell group.

On certain occasions, dedications, Christingle, Easter for example, my parents have also attended. However this is now feeling like more of a desire to join from their own church as their visits are more frequent.
We are close to both sides of our family and see each other weekly, but this just feels like a step too far and we feel stifled.

I feel like I’m being hugely unreasonable to feel like this, but have no clue how to resolve my issues around having some physical ‘spiritual space’ to grow as our own family unit.
Help!

Honestly, this doesn't sound too Christian of you. It's a church and your parents can attend if they wish to. What's so horrible about your own parents joining you in church?

You won’t get good answers on here OP but I am a Christian and I totally understand. Could you talk to them about it?

I could try and talk to them about it, but I’d hate them to feel like I’m turning them away or being unwelcoming.
I guess it doesn’t sound very Christian of me! But I am a human and believe I’m a sinner and being totally honest about my feelings which I recognise aren’t great.

Unless your church goes in for dancing naked at midnight ... and you really can’t face your Parents in the buff ... then I’m saddened , but I guess that’s why the Hypocrisy of a lot of church goers has made so many turn their back on formal religion. Just bear in mind , you are teaching your children how to think of and treat you when they have their family unit .

I really wouldn't say anything to your parents. You can't help how you feel, but you are being totally unreasonable and it would be wrong to expect them to stop coming to a church they like (which isn't 'your' church, but open to all). And if you don't expect them to stop coming, then there would be no point mentioning it anyway. It would be much better to examine your feelings and think about how you can resolve your issues with regards to this. Is there another way that you can do something with your husband and child that will fulfill your need for space as a family unit? Are there any activities offered by the church that are pitched at young families? Could you start something up?

It seems unusual to feel "stifled" by your own family's presence in the church community. Is this a reflection of how you feel about them in other spheres?

Is this something you could speak to your minister about?

No I get it. At any social gathering you are John and Jane but with parents around you are Elsie's daughter or Ron's son in law. It is an identity thing. No advice really but I can see how it is a thing.

I find it really sad that you find it stifling to welcome your own family in to ‘your’ church. Honestly, I think you need to reflect on how you can be a better Christian.

Thanks, it definitely is an identity thing. They are the same age as the rest of the congregation average too which doesn’t help my weird hang up about it aIl.
The same feeling would apply if they’d joined a health club we regularly attended if that makes a difference.

Saying that it would be the same if it was a health club kind of misses the point that church is all about Christ and welcoming everyone to be part of the Christian community as a congregation of believers...

Do they actually live in your parish? Do they attend their own parish the rest of the time and just visit yours for high days and holidays?

I spent years going to my church alone and was envious really of those with family there.

Could you maybe approach it from the viewpoint of being concerned for their parish? As in is it going to collapse if everyone starts going elsewhere. I've seen that a long time ago where a new "hip" vicar sucked pretty much everyone under 70 away from my parish church to his neighbouring one.

The most important thing though is concentrate on why you go to church, presumably because you are a believer. If that's the case then it shouldn't matter who is there and who not.

Just a thought, is it that their presence disturbs you from your worship/role because you feel the need to be entertainer?

I’m not comparing church to a health club, more the feeling I have of unease about their presence.
They do attend in their own parish which is different to ours.
I think the thing I struggle with is feeling like we are our child’s parents. We are a big close knit family and finding this church was our little bit of individual time. As wrong as that may be.
I love my parents, I love the fact that we can worship and pray together. However I’m just struggling with this sense of boundary loss.

Acknowledging that this is a boundary and identity issue is important. It may work out fine. They will find their friends and you will have yours. As a vicar it can be tricky when there are adults who are relatives in church. I have two half sisters in their 70s and it can all kick off with unresolved sibling rivalry. I have to work hard not to get pulled into their drama.

Just noticing it may be enough.

It seems like it's not the church per se but an issue around your role and identity when they're around. I think saying you struggle with feeling like you're your own child's parents when they're there is quite a shocking statement, and there might be changes you wish to make to assert yourself in the parent role in all aspects of your life. I think the shift from daughter to parent is an interesting and challenging one I've struggled with as have lots of my friends. Take time to examine that. I don't go to church so I don't know whether talking to someone in your church community would be helpful or not.

I think the fact that the majority of the congregation are your parents' ages has a lot to do with this. Instinctively a lot of the congregation might veer towards your parents rather than you, and you have spent a lot of time trying to make it your spiritual home. With your parents there, its easy to feel like you're there BECAUSE of your parents, rather than in your own right.

Are there any members your age?

Sunday it seems from reading between the lines that the boundary issues are actually nothing to do with church. If you struggle to feel like your child’s parents when your own parents are present is that because you feel they don’t respect boundaries? This may be the core issue - not church.

I am not sure there is much you can do about them joining your church.

What you can do, however, is to carve out a bit more family time outside of that. Maybe cut back just a little on the big, tight-knit family events - take the 'Church' time out of them - and use the time to do other things together, whether that's as an insular family or as part of other communities and clubs.

Why don't you find something else that you can do together as a immediate family away from your parents.

I would really like it if I had a family around me at church and I don't I feel a little lonely.

Do you think that your parents are only coming to church because they want to spend more time with their grandchildren?

Do you not get on with them?

Dontcha just love religion 😂 I thought Christians were supposed to welcome everyone, love thy neighbour and all that. Does that not extend to family?

I don’t think this has much to do with religion but family relationships. The religion comes into play when needing to forgive each other and ourselves. It can be in some of the simplest ways that we feel challenged such as boundary issues. Faith can help us, like in this example when the OP believes her response is not what she wants it to be, she wants to be more welcoming and able to accept her family coming into her faith community; she is just being honest about how she feels. Christians know we need Christ to help us love.