Guilt about not getting DC's baptized

[Goonergirl14]

Looking for some advice if possible. I was brought up Catholic, religiously followed my faith up until 16 years ago when something traumatic happened to me to make me really question it. Since then I have been on and off, I have gone for a while and then given up, gone to confession returned, a pattern has just developed. I have two DC's aged 7 and 5 who I wish I had baptized as babies but felt hypocritical to do so when I was not attending regularly. I want to go back to confession so I can return to mass but my question is would the church be willing to baptize my DC's? Has anyone had a similar experience? Thanks.

Talk to your priest. He should be glad to welcome your dc to the church. Its not their fault you haven't put them forward til now. Your 7year old will soon be able to do first holy communion too. That would be setting them up for life as a Catholic.

I saw two not too young (one looked about 6 so the older one could have been 7) children stand up at church so their parents could ask for baptism today. Its not unusual.

Its easier baptizing them both together and way less faff than adult baptism (saw those at Easter, made me glad I did my sacraments when I was young).

You say you are on and off with faith. Aren't so many people? Thing is if you dont set your dc off they wont have the faith to fall back on, unlike you, which would be a shame.

It doesn't have to be a big hoopla. Baptise during mass and then maybe a family meal with as many or as few people as youd like.
Or just baptise .

My dc were baptised together at 6m and nearly 4. It too me until number 2 to get my act together on it. Very glad I did.

Oh also its nice you are so scrupulous. So many people do the bare minimum to get their dc baptised (barely go to church etc), then arent seen again until first holy communion. I realised today that I didn't need to have put off having dc1 baptised but i didn't want to be a hypocrite either.

Thank you for your reply Zen. I totally agree what you are saying about people doing the bare minimum to get their children baptized, I have come across so many people like that. I don't know why they do it when they barely follow their faith themselves. My DH isn't Catholic however and is a non-believer, he has never had any issues with me attending mass but he wants my DC's to be able to choose their own paths so this does complicate things..part of me thinks I should respect this but the guilt of not getting my DC's baptized is eating me up! I think I will go to confession and once am attending mass regularly will bring it up with the priest.

I think choosing your own path is an epic cop out (sorry been put with friends for bank holiday so warning, not sober).

The only way your dc will 'feel' Catholic is if they sit with you in mass and take in the rhythm of mass. I reckon that's more important than baptism. But rules are rules give them baptism, holy communion and confirmation then "ĺet them choose" as the saying goes.

I dont know how anyone ever connects with god if no one teaches them to even try.

I do see your point being brought up that way myself but I am also trying to see my DH's point too as they are his children too. To complicate things more my older son has additional needs so don't know how this will pan out!

I think the main problem here is the 'guilt'. Which is a classic Catholic invention. Why would you want to inflict that misery on your children? You need to find some sort of way to convince yourself that you have done nothing to feel guilty for.

If god wants to 'reveal' himself to your children when they are adults then they can deal with it as adults. But teaching children to feel 'guilty' their whole lives for something they didn't do is cruel.

I think you are suffering from 'catholic guilt' it is instilled in us from a young age.

Don't beat yourself up, from an ex catholic

Yes the old Catholic guilt that only us brought up Catholic understand..Sometimes I wish I wasn't burdened with it but my faith has provided me with comfort in the past. When my son was 3 weeks old he had to have a MRI due to complications at birth, the day of the scan I went to mass and asked God for a good result. His scan was clear. This adds to the guilt. God did something for me I need to give him something back.

God did something for me I need to give him something back

Don't you think doctors deserve some thanks for this? And I am pretty sure they wont burden you with guilt as a result. Their are many ways to get comfort, you do not have to be burned with guilt to receive it.

Maybe your children would like to decide their own faith when they are able to do so?

I'm not religious, but I have two family members who are memebers of two different flavours of christianity.
One of the churches doesn';t baptise children before the age of 8, the other church won't baptise children at all, only adults.

Just some thoughts.

I am Catholic and very active in my faith and don’t feel burdened by guilt. I do feel guilt at times in the normal way when my conscience is drawing my attention to something I have done or haven’t done, I don’t see that as a bad thing at all.

I converted to Catholicism from atheism in my late teens and so was Baptised at 19 and received my First Holy Communion and Confirmation at the same time (I had also received my first Sacrament of Reconciliation before the other sacraments). I am now 50, I married a cradle Catholic and have 3 children ages 18, 15 (16 in May) and 12 (13 in June). They all go to Catholic school and were baptized as babies, they also received their First Holy Communion and we go to Mass every Sunday as a family. I go more often.

As someone who grew up in a loving family as an atheist I think people don’t have any conception of the depth and the richness of the faith. They often have a very superficial understanding, if that. They definitely have little understanding of prayer and the development of a spiritual life. I love that my children have been introduced to people of all different ages and nationalities over the years who have a very deep faith and rich prayer life. They understand how to recognize the beauty, wisdom and depth of someone who lives their faith in a profound way. Most of these people are invisible to the secular world as they have no idea it exists or how to recognize it. Also these individuals are not drawing attention to themselves. Holiness is real and it’s something accessible and beautiful. Catholicism gives uncountable ways to follow that path in so many flavors, depending on the personality of the believer. we have paths of spirituality stretching back thousands of years.This is all something we expect people to discover alone when they often have no idea how to.

We are a very laid back family, in her own time my eldest daughter had a very deep experience of God and the faith, which had a profound affect on her. She ended up being chosen to be one of the leaders of a retreat of students a year younger than herself (mostly 17), boys and girls. Her leadership lead all of 8 of them to request to be leaders this year.

As for Confirmation we are leaving that up to them as that is an adult choice to follow the faith. I am so grateful for this beautiful faith and my relationship with Jesus and the Trinity, I would not want to leave my children outside a beautiful community of love and knowledge of Jesus. One way to discern God’s movement in your life it what brings you joy, if you feel joy and peace when turning toward the faith I would encourage you to continue.

Thank you for your lovely story Ida, I can relate to a lot of it. I have never heard the term cradle Catholic, I take it this is someone baptized at birth? I suppose I am scared I will be told where to go by the priest! I have confided a bit in friends about my situation, some agree with my DH that I shouldn't force religion on my DC's. I have to do what is right for me and first of all it is rediscovering my faith.

You have absolutely nothing to be scared about! I’m sure your parish priests will be delighted that you are asking for your children to be baptized. Yes “Cradle Catholic” is the term used for those raised Catholic in a Catholic family and culture rather than converts to the faith. It is only a descriptor it doesn’t mean one is better than the other.

I love the faith and I have received so much from it. My children will be free to reject anything as they have free will but at least they will have an informed understanding of what they are rejecting. My children seem to feel very at home and loved in the church though.

Goonergirl did you receive much catechesis (teaching) regarding the faith? You seem to have strange ideas about guilt and judgement that I sincerely don’t know anyone who is a devout Catholic holds. You might consider studying with an RCIA group. This is the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults and is a place where you can ask all your questions and learn everything the church teaches in depth. I think you could find it very helpful even though you have received all your sacraments of initiation. Are you familiar with RCIA?

Let your children decide for themselves whether or not to be baptised when they're adults. You can rediscover your faith without involving them.

In my opinion I would refrain from baptism or regular church attendance with children. Religion should be a choice rather than a passed on obligation. That passing on of obligation is the route cause of Catholic guilt, faith should feel like a celebration when it doesn't I think it means that you are trying to align your faith with the teachings of an organisation. The temptation to align usually is driven by the human need to belong and not by conviction. In short don't feel guilty but be prepared to discuss faith and religion opening with your children including doubts and differences.

Why not concentrate on your own faith and start going to church again.
The church is so desperate for numbers that I’m sure you’ll have no problem getting your DC baptised.

I was baptised catholic but have nothing but contempt for the church. There’s no way to ‘undo’ what was done when I had no choice in the matter. If you respect your DC as individuals why not let them make their own choices when they’re older.

Goonergirl here is an American Catholic describing RCIA

Basically RCiA is a revival of the early Christian way of bringing people into the church. In the ancient church preparation could actually take 2 or 3 years. They are three Sacraments of initiation: Baptism, First Holy Communion and Confirmation. RCIA teaches adults who are preparing to revive one or more of these sacraments and then they usually come into the church at the great Easter Vigil (but people can be received into the church at almost anytime). What is important to understand as that free will is very important to Catholics and so we want to make sure people understand what they are choosing when they chose to be Christian as a Catholic. A serious Christian is going to change their life to conform to Christ and because we have 2,000 years of history we want to be sure that converts have a true, authentic teaching of Christ. For example being full of fear and guilt is NOT the teaching of the church!

It doesn’t mean that being a Christian is complicated or hard, it is just that if you are really going to live authenticity as a Christian it’s not a part-time endeavour. In fact your confusion about some aspects of the faith may be because you have never received full teaching and have received “impressions” that are inaccurate.

RCIA therefore is really aimed at those who know nothing about Catholicism and maybe are also new Christians. There are plenty of people who were baptized Catholics who realize they don’t have a good understanding of the faith and want to come along and learn more.

People who are going through the process to be baptized or receive other sacraments such as Confirmation and First Holy Communion will have a Sponsor. The Sponsor is a volunteer who is a devout Catholic in the parish. They come to the RCIA meetings and journey with the person they are sponsoring and are available to them if they have questions, they basically befriend them and help them understand the faith outside the classes.

Everything is very open and you are free to come and go as you feel called. Although of course those receiving the Sacraments need to commit to a year worth of classes.

I have a typo, the sentence “RCIA teaches adults who are preparing to revive” was meant to say receive.

Another vid

Some differing views here I appreciate them all. Will need to have a think about things.