Should I be ashamed of being a 'non-believer'?

[dassie]

At a church wedding at the weekend and the lady next to me (unknown to me) asked which church (in the local area) I was married in.

I said we had had a civil ceremony at such and such a place.

Because my dh is foreign she said "oh yes, well people from his country don't really do things is church"

I said that wasn't the case and that it was because I am not religious.

My dh was mortified and said I shouldn't say things like that in polite conversation.

Am I rght in feeling a bit peeved that he thinks my non-belief is embarrassing (bearing in mind he's agnostic and indifferent on the religion front)?

She was downright rude - has nothing to do with you or your beliefs or lack of them

Was his objection to the fact you'd said it in a church, rather than to the fact you'd said it at all? Just a thought.

I suppose polite conversation probably excludes any mention of religion, politics or sex, so he may have a point there (not that I would know ). However, you were just putting the lady next to you straight on her wrong and rather rudely expressed assumption - you didn't start it.

So, yes, I would be rather peeved.

Not believing is nothing to be ashamed of, but I wonder if it could just have been phrased less bluntly, esp as you were in a church and could (concievably) have been misinterpreted as dismissing her beliefs and/or those of the couple getting married

"Oh yes, well people from his country don't really do things is church"
"Actually it was my choice"
or
"We preferred a civil ceremony"
"We wanted something a bit more personal"
"We're not really church people"

Imagine if you were at a civil wedding and said to the person next to you 'Oh, isn't it lovely - did you get married here?' and she'd said 'No, at St Peter's - we wanted to do it in the sight of God.'

I can't remember how I phrased it but it was quite innocent, and really no different from saying "I got married in such and such synagogue in blah".

It wasn't that she asked me if I had married in that exact church, she asked which church.

I should add that she had been pumping me for personal information all throught the ceremony!

Personally I'd have felt peeved at the rudeness of the lady next to me! I think you were very restrained.

If he's an agnostic, then I don't see why he should find your non-belief embarrassing.

why would you be ashamed of what you believe?

What would he have said then?

Haaaarrrrrumph!

I think it's a teensy bit much to think of dassie's response as being in any way blunt given what this extremely rude and presumptious woman had said to her!

It doesn't sound to me as if it is your non-religiousness that dh is commenting on, but the fact that you chode (rightly, imo given the circs) to start talking religion as small talk - which is considered a bit ott in vairy polite and formal circles. But what choice did you have? To let her carry on in her innaccurate and streotyped views? You didn't start it, so the woman couldn't have been offended.

you should read Richard Dawkins' book "the God delusion". It talks about standing up for atheism and being proud. There is a culture of belief in belief - ie thinking of religious people as superior. I doesn't sound like you said anything offensive anyway - she did ask.

Message withdrawn

I just said it because it is a matter of fact. I didn't really think about it.

I think sometimes dh worries about what society thinks and thinks that people will think less of me/us.

I suppose I am niavely atheist. it just seems normal to me, so I am always surprised when people seem to react to it.

Once had a friend tell me that she was upset she wouldn't see me in heaven. I had to bite my tongue as I wanted to say 'why? what have you done?'

dont think you were unreasonable at all

i dont think of religious people as superior at all, they are part of a cult that's all

Nothing to be ashamed of. And, while being smart enough to be free from religion doesn't entitled you to go up and poke the superstitious and laugh at them when they are in the middle of their rituals, you don't have to defer to their superstitions or pretend to share them when you don't. ANd people who ask rude nosy questions and won't be deflected deserve all they get (I usually start claiming to be the result of an alien abducting and impregnating my birth mother/celibate due to a total absense of genitals/an anarchist/from Catford when nosy fuckers really won't shut up and back off).

What is so wrong about telling the truth? Isn't a respect for truth what atheism rest on? Jill

oh dear, I wasn't very clear
I don't think you were rude or blunt or that you should have fibbed, but was trying to see it from your DH's point of view.

I am a bit of a wuss and scared of giving offence, so am very coy and circumspect about (eg) politics and religion etc with people I don't know. DH, who is much more uninhibited and forthright, sometimes says things that make me cringe but can't understand why I worry so much.

A respect for the truth is what Christianity rests on too, Acinonyx.
Doesn't give anybody the right to be nasty or nosey or to put other people in an uncomfortable position.
Unfortunately, we are none of us perfect and Christians and non Christians alike make the most horrendous mistakes.

Well then, anyone whose beliefs rest on a respect for the truth, should be prepared to answer questions about their beliefs truthfully.

I would just come right out and use the word 'atheist'. Saying 'I'm not religious', 'I don't believe', 'I'm a non-believer' or 'I'm not a churchgoer' is just skirting round it. Atheist is not a dirty word! And I am a believer - I'm a believer in the fact that there is no god. I have the utmost respect for anyone else's religious beliefs. I would never try to force my beliefs on another person but I expect the same respect for my atheist beliefs. If anyone chooses to be offended by the fact that I say 'I am an atheist', I'm afraid that is their problem, not mine.

I don't really class myself as anything. I'm happy to accept I don't know!

Sometimes I would like to have the security of belief but I just don't have it.

Mummydospells - I agree, though I might softpedal a leeetle bit for someone's dear old churchgoing auntie if they'd asked me to. But straight questions get straight answers, and rude questions get inventive ones

I don't think you can be sure that the lady was being rude - there are lots of possible explanations for her behaviour and thinking she was being rude will just make you stressed every time you think about it. What matters is that you have nothing to be ashamed of and the only right way to behave is to be true to your reality - you don't believe. Just as anyone's belief is nothing to be ashamed of, if it is true for them and they live by it. I think that you would be far more troubled now if you had lied about your beliefs.

I think your Dh is unreasonable. All you did was state a fact; that you had a civil ceremony because you are not religious. How is it any different to if you'd been of another religion and had said no we got married in a mosque/synagogue etc? All you said was that you had a civil ceremony because that's what you believe. I don't see how anyone could take offence.

I would've said "I'm atheist". It's a perfectly acceptable answer to the question imho. I feel perfectly happy with my stance on belief tbh, if anyone else recoils I agree it's their issue really. Agnostics are fence-sitters aren't they?

I'm proud to be an atheist too, but it does infuriate me that it is such a touchy subject.

It's a personal choice. It doesn't deserve any more respect than any other personal choice.