Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Philosophy/religion

Join our Philosophy forum to discuss religion and spirituality.

Flip

Original poster

Is it reasonable to ask...?

20 replies

Notacatperson · 10/04/2019 19:25

Ok sorry long back story so I dont drip feed....So I am a new Christian, attending a big city kinda evangelical church (I think.... I am not exactly sure of its "type") but Ive just finished their Alpha course, which was very good, interesting and thought provoking etc. I have been going for about a year. I am sure I want to be baptised into this Church etc... I have met some really lovely people who have welcomed me into their prayer group etc, and Its all been great. Going to this church makes me feel amazing and I feel that the Holy Spirit is moving me deeply... And a few years ago I would absolutely not have felt this way , you wouldnt have got me in a church remotely....

But this week, and I dont know why exactly, but I had big big tears during the sunday service, I think it was the music making me think about stuff and now I cant get it out of my head. I have been thinking about my own failings, and specifically about a termination of pregnancy I had when I was much much younger. Its always been something that Ive felt badly about, I was angry with God for making this/letting the pregnancy happen to me, (I know, its a childish attitude etc) and I turned away from everything to do with Christianity for years because of how angry I was.
ANYWAY, what Im trying to ask is..... I want to know what my new Church's attitude and position regarding abortion is, and specifically if I'm going to hear about how it goes against God etc. Because it would upset me deeply hear that I have done a terrible thing (I feel enough guilt) But I almost feel like that is the thing that is fully holding me be back giving everything to God and finally making peace with myself. I want to believe that he has forgiven me, but I will struggle to ever forgive myself for what I did.
Sorry for the rambling.
I have become friendly with one of the Church members (once apon a time I would have called her an "elder" but I'm pretty sure they dont call themselves that) would it be ok to ask her thoughts? She has been so kind to me, that I dont think she would judge me.... But it might be a bit much for a new friendship...
I have prayed about this and feel that God thinks I should talk to her about it. But I'm really so scared of spoiling things....
Any thoughts welcome, please be kind..

OP posts:

MeanMrMustardSeed · 10/04/2019 19:31

Hi OP, that’s great you’ve found a home in the church. I don’t think that the Church has an official line, but I think it’s fair to say that most Christians would not chose to have an abortion. What is absolutely and universally acknowledged however, is that God loves you beyond your understanding and takes on any guilt and shame that you might feel. Let it go and free yourself from these feelings - you don’t need to live with them any longer!

cheapskatemum · 10/04/2019 22:20

I agree with what MeanMr said and would add that Christianity is about forgiveness and not judging others (leave it for God to do). I hope you don't experience anything other than this when talking to your new friend.

Redpostbox · 28/04/2019 22:16

OP there is nothing that God won't forgive. He already loves you and knew what you would do before you did it (in every area) and he still loves you. Jesus always went to the lost sheep to tell them how much they were loved. He didn't hold much store in those who thought they were perfect already.
You aren't by any means the only Christian who has had a termination.
What you need to remember above all is that you don't have to be perfect to be a Christian. No one is.
There will be many different views and opinions on termination in the church just as there is amongst atheists. The first person you ask might have a very different opinion to the next person you ask.
Pray about it yourself and see what happens. Just remember God really really loves you whatever you do. He loves you so much he actually died himself, in a very painful way, just for you.

FloralBunting · 02/05/2019 08:22

Hi there. Fellow Christian here (Catholic) with abortion in my past and experience of evangelical churches.

Firstly, big hugs for what you're dealing with. Our consciences are very powerful when something is bothering us.

In my experience, an evangelical church with a woman in an equivalent 'elder' position will be extremely loving and accepting towards a woman who has had an abortion. That indicates a certain amount of forward thinking if you get me.

Abortion might be referenced in a talk, but what you've described sounds very unlikely to be the kind of church that is full of fire and brimstone judgement.

From a personal perspective, when my abortions were really troubling me, what really helped me come to terms with things was having an honest conversation with a priest. Not because he did anything special or super spiritual, he just heard me without judgement and then told me how much God loves me.

So my advice would be to maybe have a conversation with your 'elder' friend, somewhere safe, over coffee, and be honest about how you are feeling. I am as sure as I can be over the internet, that you will hear something similar to me, and that the power your conscience has over you now will be hugely diminished. I know if a woman confided something like this to me, I would feel very honoured to be trusted, and very privileged to be the person in a position to say "You are loved, your past does not change that."

Hope you have a great day xx

IdaBWells · 03/05/2019 08:48

Notacatperson I am a Catholic so from a different Christian faith tradition from the church you are currently attending, but we also offer Alpha so we are all in agreement on the fundamentals.

I am involved in RCIA which stands for The Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults. It is a year long journey for those who have decided to join the Catholic church. An individual who has decided to become Catholic is matched with a Sponsor, a person who is an active Catholic and who can be a friend and help and support the person on their Christian walk. It takes a year so that the person really understands how being a committed Christian changes your whole outlook and also so the individual knows what the church teaches about a wide range of subject matter so they are making an informed decision when they are baptized and/or confirmed at Easter at the end of the journey.

I have sponsored a number of people over the years. One woman in particular is relevant to your story. I was in my 30s with 3 young children. We were a few months into the year and I had been meeting my "sponsee", (lets call her Grace) once a week outside the RCIA meetings; So we had got to know each other quite well. She asked me if she could tell me something and I said "of course". She went on to tell me she had had an abortion. The pregnancy was her second, and early in her pregnancy it was discovered that the baby had some serious health issues. Grace's husband and doctor put a lot of emotional pressure on her to have an abortion. Grace was extremely conflicted, she really didn't know what to do, although she suspected she wanted to continue the pregnancy but felt unable to hear and discern her own wishes through the strong opinions around her. So she had the abortion, I think when we talked it was at least ten years previously.

I really felt immensely honored that she had shared this information with me. We sat and I listened to her and let her talk for as long as she wanted. She told me that she knew that the church took her experience seriously and she couldn't explain why but she felt that she would experience healing in the context of the church. I think I advised her to talk to a priest we both knew and tell him everything. I felt above everything that she needed to know that she was forgiven and also that her story was a very precious one and would be taken very seriously and not brushed aside. I think Grace felt that everyone she knew expected her to have "got over" her experience and she was very alone in her pain.

It's about 15 years ago now (and in the USA) but all I remember is hugging her, loving her and letting her know she could talk about it as much as she wanted and I and the other group leaders would all be there for her. I think this pain was putting a tremendous strain on her marriage because of the sorrow, anger and lack of forgiveness of herself and her husband.

I believe she attended a retreat for those who had had an abortion or been involved in procuring an abortion and it was very healing for her. I think there is a ceremony where each child is recognized and loved to free the mothers (and fathers and others who might be affected in some way) from the memories of the past and move into a new stage where they can integrate their experiences with their current situation.

That's a long story to say that Christians are usually very understanding and loving regarding abortion. They are not afraid to confront the often messy emotions and memories associated with an abortion. It's not uncommon at all that women and men want to talk about the experience and be reconciled with the past. Everyone's experience is also very different and it is unique to the individual.

Vitalogy · 03/05/2019 17:12

I felt above everything that she needed to know that she was forgiven Forgiven for what?

Juanaiguana · 03/05/2019 17:17

Hi OP,
As previous posters have mentioned, the church teaches that anything can be forgiven by God if you are truly sorry for your actions

stucknoue · 03/05/2019 17:32

I would be very cautious about mentioning abortion especially in evangelical churches. People hold very strong views on what I believe is a private matter. I happen to know that my Vicar and many of my church are very liberal but we are quite unusual, and I would still never mention my private situation

Vitalogy · 03/05/2019 18:03

the church teaches that anything can be forgiven by God if you are truly sorry for your actions Has OP made a mistake then?

Juanaiguana · 03/05/2019 18:56

I didn’t say it was a mistake, I said it was an action. I’m just answering the OP’s query

BibbleBobbleBabble · 03/05/2019 19:21

Another one here from an evangelical Christian background who had an abortion years ago and really struggled with it. I went on a similar retreat to the one referenced by a PP above (but in the UK) and it was very helpful and healing. I'm happy to send you details if you want, just PM me.
The Bible is very clear that forgiveness is freely available for all who ask for it. God knows your heart and knows how you are struggling with this. He longs to heal you.
I 100% believe that your child is happy and loved and cared for in heaven, as is mine. I don't believe that they harbour any ill will against us.
If there's someone in your church who you trust and is spiritually mature I think it would be a great idea to talk to them.
Have you ever read the book 'Tilly' by Frank Peretti? Its a short book, I think published in the 80s. It might also speak to your situation.

speakout · 03/05/2019 21:21

OP the termination was the best solution that you chose at the time. You made the best decision in the circumstances you were in

No one is fit to judge your actions .I would not allow myself to be judged in this way.

Vitalogy · 04/05/2019 09:47

I didn’t say it was a mistake, I said it was an action Using the word forgiveness implies the action is a mistake. What has OP to be sorry for.

Juanaiguana · 04/05/2019 09:56

OP says she feels guilty for the abortion. So it sounds like she is looking for forgiveness does it not? The church teaches that that guilt will be lifted if she seeks God and God will forgive her.

Don’t get so touchy, I’m not talking from a personal view- I’m saying what the church teaches

Vitalogy · 04/05/2019 10:30

OP says she feels guilty for the abortion. So it sounds like she is looking for forgiveness does it not? The church teaches that that guilt will be lifted if she seeks God and God will forgive her. Maybe if the church and its followers didn't teach or condone guilt in human actions in the first place OP wouldn't feel guilty.

Don’t get so touchy, I’m not talking from a personal view- I’m saying what the church teaches Oh right, it's not your personal view you're just repeating it, why's that?

Juanaiguana · 04/05/2019 10:38

Because I know a fair amount about the church because I grew up in it. I’m not part of it now, just because it’s not my belief but the OP wasn’t looking for responses of whether to believe in god or not, she was looking for answers about the church’s view on abortion. So, as I know the answer, why would I not tell her? Just as everyone else has?

Vitalogy · 04/05/2019 11:11

So, as I know the answer, why would I not tell her? Do you have an opinion on it?

Juanaiguana · 04/05/2019 11:25

Everyone has an opinion on abortion but that’s not what the OP is asking so it is of no importance what any of us think about it

Vitalogy · 04/05/2019 11:34

Everyone has an opinion on abortion but that’s not what the OP is asking so it is of no importance what any of us think about it

Thank you for your answer.

ChikiTIKI · 04/05/2019 11:44

I haven't read anyone else's replies yet but I read your post and thought a few things.

I'm sorry you're going through this situation and for the bad feelings it's bringing to you. I think you should pray about it and I will be praying for you too.

Also, I don't think it matters what others at the church think about your abortion. It is done now. You shouldn't burden yourself with worry about what others think of you. You should hand those worries over to God and follow him. We shouldn't strive for the acknowledgement of others but look to God knowing that he loves us.

You have already been forgiven for all of your sins before you were even born through what Jesus did for you. God knows your whole life story before you even exist and he loves you just as much from the beginning to the end. We are not perfect. We have regrets sometimes in life and sometimes we feel like we have made mistakes. Jesus knew all of your sins on that day when he died for you.

I have thought in the past "Why did God let that happen to me". I now know he doesn't want bad things to happen to us but he never wastes these experiences. He uses them in many ways to make us grow and learn and become closer to him. How exactly we don't always know because we don't know how our life will unfold, what gods plan for us is and what our journey will be like. He is so much bigger than us and we need to trust in him.

Sorry I am probably rambling now. I hope you are able to talk this through with someone at church. It sounds like you need some support to get through this. Sending love xxxx

Flip