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Original poster

How often do you have to attend church to "habitually worship" there?

26 replies

MafaldaGregorovitch · 02/04/2019 20:47

DP would like to get back to church and so would I. We're also planning on getting married. We've previously attended our local parish church but didn't like it for various reasons and haven't attended anywhere for about 8 months. We know you can't marry in a church outside your parish unless you've habitually worshipped there for at least 6 months. How often is habitually worshipped though? Due to us both having quite complex health conditions there's no way we'd be able to attend any church every Sunday so we're just a bit worried about what would count.

Ideally we'd like to get married in a church that means something to us. We know God is everywhere and we know the ceremony itself is essentially the same whichever church you go for (of the same denomination of course) but church to us is also about community if that makes sense so we'd like to marry in a church we feel part of.

Do you have to have habitually worshipped there for 6 months before booking anything or is it just that you can't have the actual ceremony until then? We're not in a rush for the ceremony and are looking at next summer but we'd like to start booking things in the next few months due to everything else we'd have to organise (mostly our honeymoon Grin )

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Original poster
MafaldaGregorovitch · 02/04/2019 20:48

Meant to say we're CofE, not sure if that makes a difference

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mostlydrinkstea · 03/04/2019 17:35

It is a bit complicated but this page has a go at explaining it www.yourchurchwedding.org/article/finding-a-church/

It is once a month for six months if there is no qualifying connection. If it is a church that does a lot of weddings they might have some sort of register system as it is a legal requirement and the vicar might not be at ever service or see everyone. Check with the vicar.

Original poster
MafaldaGregorovitch · 03/04/2019 17:46

Thank you so much @mostlydrinkstea

If you decide to do this, leave enough time after your attendance for the banns to be read before your wedding too – about another two months should be enough.

Do you think this bit means we'd have to attend for 8 months prior to the wedding day? In order to make sure they know we've been attending for 6 months (or 8 possibly) would we have to talk to the vicar asap really then after starting to go? I'd feel awkward about that "oh how vicar, we've only just started attending, we'd love to marry here, we're not just attending so we can, honest)!

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Original poster
MafaldaGregorovitch · 03/04/2019 17:47

Oh hey vicar

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Hollowvictory · 03/04/2019 17:52

You'd feel awkward about telling the truth to a vicar?
Get married somewhere else then.

BillywilliamV · 03/04/2019 17:53

I expect vicars hear all sorts, she won’t be surprised.

Ragwort · 03/04/2019 17:54

Aren't you looking at it the wrong way round? Confused. Find a Church you like and start attending and getting involved with the church community.

Then talk to the Vicar about your wedding plans.

I can't imagine many Churches would actively 'refuse' to marry you if you were genuinely showing a commitment to the Church and it's fellowship.

Clearly some people choose an 'attractive' Church to get married in when they have no commitment whatsoever either to the faith or the actual church, but that doesn't sound like what you are doing.

mostlydrinkstea · 03/04/2019 17:54

Talk to the vicar. It takes time to arrange a wedding and people choose churches for all sorts of reasons. Saying that you don't live in the parish but want to get married next year how does that work is fine. I had someone knock on my door last week to ask that question and he was off to propose I think. They had a qualifying connection but if they hadn't I would have said fine book the date but attend for six months, sign a register and make sure we get the banns read in you home church in plenty of time. Simples.

This assumes you hold a UK passport. If you don't then it is more complicated and may involve a special licence.

picklemepopcorn · 03/04/2019 17:56

It's fine, rock up to a couple of services, see if you like it. Then speak to the vicar and book your date six months or so on from that. Roll up regularly, once or twice a month. You need to make it 'your church', so support events in the week occasionally as well as some sundays.

Polyethyl · 03/04/2019 17:57

Can you pop across the border and marry in Wales? The Church In Wales are far more relaxed about this than the Church of England.
If not then just go and talk honestly to the various vicars in your area. There's so much leeway for them to make their own decisions.

Original poster
MafaldaGregorovitch · 03/04/2019 18:01

You'd feel awkward about telling the truth to a vicar?

I just mean that would they assume we're only going there to get married and then leaving the church? Which isn't the case at all, it's just thinking about venues and our reasons for marriage etc has made us ressses things and make us realise that actually we miss church and want to start going again.

Aren't you looking at it the wrong way round?

Yes probably at @Ragwort I suppose in reality we have a few months to try and fin a church before we'd like to start booking things. We're eager to book in say 4/5 months time so we can get cheap flights for the honeymoon but don't want to book them before we've secured a date and venue iyswim.

I had someone knock on my door last week to ask that question and he was off to propose I think

Glad she said yes to the proposal Smile

Hmm when would I need the passport by? It's expired and I don't see much point paying to renew it until we're closer to the honeymoon date.

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TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 03/04/2019 18:02

You talk about a church that “means something to you, and that you feel a part of”
What does the one you’ve chosen mean to you, and how do you propose to feel a part of it if you can’t commit to attending an hourly service once a week?

Original poster
MafaldaGregorovitch · 03/04/2019 18:02

Oops NC fail! I've reported my post. Sorry all

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TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 03/04/2019 18:06

Oh, you haven’t even found one yet?!

Original poster
MafaldaGregorovitch · 03/04/2019 18:08

how do you propose to feel a part of it if you can’t commit to attending an hourly service once a week?

@TheGrey1houndSpeaks if that's the only way to feel part of a church then we're never going to feel part of one and I think that's pretty sad ConfusedSad It's not easy to get up and out on a Sunday morning when we are both disabled. Some mornings I can barely move, other mornings DP can barely move, we both have mental health issues. It's not as simple as just attend weekly.

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Original poster
MafaldaGregorovitch · 03/04/2019 18:17

Can you pop across the border and marry in Wales? The Church In Wales are far more relaxed about this than the Church of England.

That's interesting @Polyethyl (are you a chemist perchance?). Do they get more say in timings then? I'm sure I read on the church in Wales site you have to have attended for 6 months too.

In all honesty I'd love to marry in my old church. I love the vicar and the congregation. I went most weeks back then (health conditions weren't anywhere near as bad), attended for a good few years and then moved for work / DP. I can understand why DP would rather not though as although he's been a few times with me, it was always more my church than our church.

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Hollowvictory · 03/04/2019 19:21

I would assume that the church would be supportive of severely disabled people and understand that if you can't move, you can't go to church. Do you have a plan for how you would manage that on your wedding day and honeymoon?

Original poster
MafaldaGregorovitch · 03/04/2019 20:01

Thank you @HollowVictory Not really other than taking lots of strong painkillers (both prescribed the highest dose of cocodamol and naproxen plus some others). Neither of us really like taking them due to the side effects but if it's that or no wedding day then we'll take the side effects as the side effects tend to be slightly delayed in relation to taking them iyswim.

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Original poster
MafaldaGregorovitch · 03/04/2019 20:05

Oh, you haven’t even found one yet?!

@TheGrey1houndSpeaks I'm not seeing the issue? We want to get married - sooner rather than later. We want to get married in a church as although we know God is everywhere we want the religious aspects incorporated into our wedding ceremony which we know we can't have if we use a registry office or the like. In an ideal world it'd be in a church that means something to both of us and hopefully we can find somewhere we can start to call "our" church within the next few months and hopefully this will be somewhere we can continue attending for as long as we live in the area. I'm not sure what the problem is with me trying to find out where we stand now.

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Pythonesque · 03/04/2019 20:53

I think if you visit one or more churches and talk to people there, just be honest that you tried your local parish and it wasn't quite right for you, now you're looking around to find the right place. At some point, maybe the first visit, maybe later, if/when it feels ok or just happens to come up, you can mention that yes you are hoping to get married, so part of your criteria for finding the right church will include, it being the right place to have your wedding. It sounds like your priorities are in the right order, honestly. Any reasonable vicar will be happy to talk to you about what is possible / practical, timelines for booking weddings and so on.

I'd hold your previous church in mind as a back-up option if you don't find the right local church easily.

A passing thought - do you enjoy evening services? A church that has a reasonable evening congregation would give you "two chances" to attend, depending on how you felt any given week. Which might suit you better than a 10 am now-or-never option.

Original poster
MafaldaGregorovitch · 04/04/2019 19:49

Thank you so much @Pythonesque your words are very helpful and appreciated. Re evening services, I used to. Tbh I'm in bed by 8/9 at the latest now so it depends what time the service was. It is certainly worth exploring though, thank you.

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picklemepopcorn · 05/04/2019 09:00

Mafalda,
I'm pretty sure most churches would give you an easier time than some people on here!
Have you seen 'A church near you' website? You would be able to search by time of service, style etc. Depending on the area you live there may be sister churches which would give you a bigger set of options to attend. We're part of a set of three, and between them there will be services and events throughout a Sunday and in the week.

stucknoue · 05/04/2019 10:20

Actually there's lots of loopholes to allow you to marry in a church but the easiest is 3 times in the 6 month period before your marriage, as defined by my archdeacon. Some vicars impose more stringent standards

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 05/04/2019 10:31

Honestly, anyone entitled to get married in a church can do so without issue. If you’re at the point of grubbing about for “loopholes” to exploit, you’re really doing it for the wrong reasons Hmm

picklemepopcorn · 05/04/2019 13:43

Greyhound, she's explained why 'regular' worship is tricky.
She's explained why she doesn't want to marry in her nearest church and why her previous church isn't suitable.

This is going to be the start of their relationship with a new church- many people find a 'life event' brings them back to church- birth, christening, marriage, bereavement- all prompt people back to church.

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