Lapsed Catholic struggling with returning

[ZenNudist]

Looking for bit of support please. Mainly about going to confession when not been for years. Im 40. Raised Catholic, strict family, alcoholic father pushed me into going to church, didn't set any kind of example outside of church. Violent, verbally abusive. Got so bad I said I didnt believe. Gave up church at 17 and didn't go back except for weddings and funerals.

Decided to Christen my dc despite dh being atheist (my parents very keen for me to do it). Then felt like i had to follow up on my promise to raise them Catholic. Didn't go to church but took them to sunday school childrens methodist church meetings run by a friend from toddlerhood to teach them concepts. Then went to Catholic school. Still avoided church but started again as they are doing first holy communion.

So ive been going for a few months. Still not going to communion. Struggling with what i do and dont believe. Want to believe but cant quite. Too much to go into here.

Today I spoke to priest about taking confession. Discussed my grappling with faith. He was understanding. Said i could discuss things with him in my own time. I said I'd take communion when my eldest does and I'd come back for proper confession.

I've sinned a lot since my last confession. I dont want to go into it all here. Its not all minor. I know i can keep it anonymous but its just not my style but its hard to talk to priest about it. I've been through examining conscience and it just leads me back to square one. There are 'sins' that i cant commit to not doing again. Don't want to talk about sex and contraception with a priest.

Would be easier to bumble on in my lapsed Catholic way. Going to chuch in state of agnosticism. Started to feel like a hypocrite if dc have to do confession so should I, but its just a much bigger thing as an adult. Even if i do go i end up being a hypocrite as e.g not going to stop using condoms, am pro-choice (though have never had an abortion myself and couldn't do that). So much to deal with that living a good Catholic life feels impossible.

Any advice? Be kind please.

I've just come online to look up Fr Mike Schmitz given Polarisation's suggested it. I also wrote a lot of what people have said here down in a book as some of these ideas bear reflection. Thank you for the extra responses.

Still not got back in touch with priest.

Floral i will take that as a to do item as i will be in church for quite a while this weekend what with everything going on with the dc.

I appreciate having other people to talk to about this.

DH is atheist and bemused by why im getting so wound up.
Dm is a pick and mix Catholic dont know how she managed to convert because she doesnt seem to believe any differently to when she was CofE. Dont want to get into it with her because by and large she has only known me to be agnostic with a side order of 'give church a go for the sake of the children'.
Dad is a nightmare so not talking to him at all.
All my church/school friends are dyed in the wool Catholics who never gave it up, dont make too big a deal, go to church sometimes not others, mainly dont go to confession, happily go to communion, could all be horribly soul searching but by and large have a settled faith and arent trying to work out what they believe and worrying that they are hypocritical.

I really dont know why i am letting this get to me. I cant see that it's healthy to think of everything bad Ive done in my whole life. Better at least that i can square away why i dont think i would make such mistakes again regardless of faith. And then the big worry, I cant imagine speaking some of this stuff out loud, let alone to our priest. There are some past transgressions that I decided never to tell anyone.

Just because you are catholic does not mean you have to agree with everything. You can still have your faith and do your best using your own morals. We are all just doing our best, no one is perfect. The church does not expect you to be. Plus I don't think you have to go to confession to confess. Maybe check this but I think I was taught that.

I went to confession this evening. Small room, grille between me and the priest, said my piece, and as every priest who has ever heard my confession has been, he was entirely kind and without judgement. I go every couple of months because I just find it very helpful to offload things rather than carry around guilt. Life is far too short, and there is something very helpful about hearing a kind voice say 'You are forgiven'.

My first confession was very hard - I had decades of pretty horrible stuff to get rid of, stuff I felt I never wanted to acknowledge to anyone. But I said it all, and my unshockable priest didn't bat an eyelid, he just told me how utterly delighted Jesus is to welcome me and have me accept His love. And I honestly don't carry that weight any more.

The way I see it is like with my kids - they do bad things, and I pretty much always know, and the worst thing about it for both of us, is the fracture in our relationship until it's resolved. That's what Confession is about, I think. Its just another kind of healing.

Lovely post Floral. I'm not good at going to Confession- life gets in the way. But you've just reminded me why I should go. You're right, there is a lovely feeling of unburdening and peace afterwards.

I like Floral's description of confession it helps to understand other people's experiences. Especially of confession after a long absence. I am more prepared now. Will need to take in examination of conscience or as i call it, "100 point plan of ways to feel bad about yourself". I still dont know if i can do this as i am struggling so much with aspects of the faith. I have worked out what my core beliefs are and where I falter. Its bothered me all week.

I have been watching Fr Mike Schmitz on YouTube and that has been very very helpful. Im going to keep on with that. Do you you know he even has an interesting take on transgender that would go down well on the mumsnet FWR boards!

First confession for ds tomorrow and i dont think ive been able to prepare him well. Ive been trying to understand so much myself. I find it difficult talking about Jesus or sin with him. School are doing prep so thats good. Going to try and speak to my priest tomorrow to see when would be a good time to talk.

As a coda to this thread I have done a lot of thinking this week. Tried prayer. Asked for God's help with my unbelief (my priest's suggested wording). Watched a lot of YouTube videos, googled a lot more about Catholicism. Thought very hard about what I wanted to confess and why, and what I believe and what I want to believe, how I live / have lived my life and how I want to live in the future.

Thanks to the advice on here I asked the priest after my son's first confession (very crowded, lots of school people) and making a plan to speak to him after mass (Saturday). After mass we had a short chat (I cried) and we ended up scheduling in a time for me to go for confession. Thing is we are both busy (its lent!) So it was getting on for quite a long time away, but he had time to speak this eve. So I went to church this eve snd I have managed my first confession since I was a kid!

I feel much lighter. Also despite me being brutally honest about where I stand with my faith, he says I'm cleared to go to communion.

I really credit the different posters and suggestions on thread with helping me with something thats been stewing since I started taking my son to church. Even the different view points like 'go methodist' helped me understand much quicker what is really going on with me. Thank you everyone.

I think I will hang around the religion board more. This all still has to 'land' with me. I feel much better.

That’s so good to hear Zen. I really do think it’s a journey.
I see it a bit like I see motherhood. I want to be the best I can, but I won’t always get it right, and sometimes I’ll mess up spectacularly, but when I do, I pick myself up and hopefully learn from it.

I am also a convert from atheism, I converted as a teenager and now have three teens of my own so it was a long time ago. I love the church and I love Catholicism and of course the heart of it all is our relationship with Christ, a relationship of love and complete acceptance in all our struggles and weaknesses.

It sounds like you may, understandably, be very conflicted because your introduction and grounding in the faith is in the context of such an abusive relationship with your father. I am sure it is very confusing that you feel drawn to the church but that also pleases a person who caused you so much suffering. I think teasing these two things apart will help. You dad is a Catholic but he is only one of us, not the entire church.

My thoughts would be go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation (confession) anonymously somewhere. Then it is behind you and you can receive communion every time you go to Mass. Also it sounds like God may have brought this priest into your life to help you heal from some of the pain your father caused - and therefore the community of the church caused through him. As a fellow Catholic I am very sorry that another church member sinned against you. We all sin and members of the church need to ask forgiveness of each other. Sin is basically a lack of love. Once you are back receiving communion I think you will feel a weight removed from you and will be much more at peace. I would encourage you to continue meeting with the priest and chatting with him to help you resolve your questions, concerns and possibly anger in the context of the church due to the past.

Being with a kind, considerate, gentle loving Catholic man could be a real counterweight to your earlier experiences and help you to clarify your own thoughts and feelings rather than those of your parents. Then just take it from there. Going to communion and receiving the Body and Blood of Christ will almost certainly bring a level a peace to your current internal distress.

Sorry OP somehow the last few posts after FloralBunting didn’t show up on my iPad so I am way behind the 8 ball! So happy to hear how everything is progressing. In terms of our faith it is what is in the Creed that we assent to, the basics of the faith. Many of us struggle with various other aspects of being a Catholic. You are doing what we all do, beimg honest about where we are at and say “here I am Lord, I come to do your will”. So much of our faith is a mystery that pulls us into a deep relationship.

Thanks @IdaBWells I just saw your posts. I am so interested to get other Catholic views. Im not lapsed now, i say I'm a revert. Its all been pretty intense. This week I've been to stations, lent mass with the dc, planning on going back to confession again today and obviously Sunday mass. I feel like i need to go (will go back to once a week when not lent). I have a sort of settled determined feeling but with an undertow where all my old bad faith used to be so I feel odd. I worry I'm being faddy.

I went to Stations just because I've never been and i felt very much needed to see what it was like. I researched first and took along my prayer book but still felt a bit self conscious. Would like to go again when its on a convenient day.

There is so much to Catholicism that is arcane and difficult to understand. The moral teachings that I cant quite wrap my head around (sex before marriage homosexuality abortion contraception to name some). Plus some of the prayers are so complex (Im trying to understand the Rosary, theres so much).

I know I'd benefit from Bible study but it seems too hard and intellectually demanding after a day at work. I need guidance on it all. Ive been watching the bible project but it takes time and I want to know it all now.

This is giving me some ideas of what I want to say to the priest today. I think you are right about needing to talk to him more but I feel awkward like he has tonnes of more important stuff to do and maybe i can figure it out myself by reading on the internet.

I feel much better since I went back to confession. I went to Sunday mass afterwards not in my own parish and no dc (was away), I cried a lot (quietly) and for the rest of the day had the hymns in my head and kept feeling really overwhelmed.

I still dont know where all this comes from or why I am suddenly so interested in my religion after so long taking it for granted. I know I mentioned my dad being a problem but despite that I've come out reasonably well balanced (my dbro and dsis not so lucky, they are quite damaged). I am happy with the way things are going now but I have so many questions.

Sorry if this sounds mixed up and mental!

Not mixed up and mental at all!

If I could give you some advice, at this stage, feeling your way forward, the most helpful approach is probably not to attempt to change everything, or grapple with every issue all at once.

Park some of the heavier doctrines for a bit, take one at a time. Don't over load yourself. Not about ducks in a row, right? Just about a loving relationship with God.

Wrt things like the Rosary and Stations and other prayers, again, there's no need to suddenly start praying the Hours. Build up your own little practice. Say an Our Father when you wake up, and maybe set an alarm on your phone for three O'clock and pray a Hail Mary. Add a few little sentences explaining to God how you're feeling, something you're thankful for, and carry on with your day. The Rosary is intimidating, but it's not a mandated prayer, so you don't have to follow rules. Try out maybe just saying a 'decade' - one Our Father, ten Hail Marys and a Glory Be - for your kids,or for something thats been on your mind, and see how you get on. Build it up as you feel comfortable.

Faith is a comfort, a help, and sometimes a challenge. It's also yours, and you only have to walk your own path. xx

Thanks CaptainMarvelBunting, I hadnt thought of saying a decade 'for' something, though i did try it out in traffic to calm me down when i was late for evening church. I got there on time

I like the prayer alarm idea too.

After talking to priest on Saturday i felt much calmer about it all. I ended up at exposition which was going on whilst I was there. Its part of the arcane side of Catholicism that i dont fully get. Still felt happier after. Lighter.

Like you say I've decided I have to 'park' a lot of the heavy stuff and concentrate on my relationship with God. I was driving myself nuts worrying about the whole thing.

Exposition was actually one of my first 'practical' experiences of Catholicism after lots of reading. I didn't really understand, but sitting there in absolute silence was powerful in ways I couldn't articulate. A bit like sitting next to a nuclear reactor - nothing to indicate anything was going on, but an underlying knowledge that something phenomenally powerful was close by.

As I understand it now, it was the presence of God, but I don't think you need to understand the intricacies of the theology of transubstatiation to find it rewarding. One of my favourite stories is about a man who described what he was doing when he came and sat in Adoration each day. He said "I look at Him, and He looks at me."

It just encapsulates the simple, trusting, peaceful relationship with God that I find so helpful.

Tell me if I'm going on or being annoying - my heart here is just to share the things that have been helpful to me. My faith has been a source of real healing in my life, and I find it very sad that so many people have been hurt and continue to be hurt by something which I think, without the twisting of sinful humans, can be truly uplifting.

I love exposition, my local parish has a 24/7 prayer chapel where the host is always exposed and it is an oasis of peace, I absolutely love it. I go as often as I can.

I am in desperate need of a really good confession! So hope to go this week. There is a Catholic parish that serves our local University (I am in the USA) and is run by Domician priests. There are completely fantastic so I will most likely check to see when I can go this week and receive the Sacrament with them. Their charism is preaching and contemplation which is a combo I love. Very intellectual and know their stuff and are excellent at communicating it, balanced with the pastoral side that comes from a life of deep prayer.

A Domician priest gave me some very blunt and practical advice regarding my MIL for which I am eternally grateful! I was a complete stranger to him at the time.

@CaptainMarvelBunting you are not going on or being annoying. Im interested. Same to @IdaBWells.

Ida - how often do you go to confession? Ive pencilled in another date I can go end of this month. Seeing as I originally intended to go once and never again its a bit bizarre to be looking forward to the next one.

Caprain, if you can recommend any books you think would help (other than the Bible!) I will take a look.

I made it to stations of the cross tonight and worried that I am having a religious fad. Would have like to have gone swimming but felt more like I should do something 'extra' for lent.

I am on holiday with my parents next week and wasn't planning on suggesting extra church to dad. I dont want to put up with him going on about it. He would definitely try and make me feel bad about it. Its a shame because we are in York and I know I could find a nice stations of the cross to go to. Maybe I will go and tough out the sarcasm. He'd only be horrid because he'd be secretly pleased. Family eh?!

I tend to go to Confession around every two months. Keeping short accounts helps. The last time I went the priest mentioned it being like a regular shower, just washing away all the crap that builds up in the day to day.

For books, it's often hard to know what each person is going to connect with. I enjoyed 'A Heart on Fire: Rediscovering Devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus by James Kubicki S. J.'

I had always been fascinated by statues of The Sacred Heart, but I didn't know much about it, and most of what I had read was really Victorian in tone and hard to get a hold of.

I read this book and I just really got a hold of this idea of God being devoted to us, and just this beautiful sense of Him being vulnerable in His love for us. I thought it was quite an accessible book, and not a big thick tome, and there are some interesting illustrations, and you know how Catholics love their visuals!
I'll have a think and see if there's anything else that might be useful.

I think you'd be better of talking to a trained secular counsellor. Get your head clear then think about which (if any) religion you feel you want to follow. Catholicism is too problematic to just dive back into without self-reflection. I speak from experience.

A book I am reading at the moment that came highly recommended is "Fire Within" by Thomas Dubay. It's a fantastic book on prayer using St. Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross, both Doctors of the Church.

I am reading it slowly, dipping in and out as I use it as part of my prayer life but absolutely love it. It's basically showing that mysticism and a deep, contemplative prayer life is available and open to all of us.

Since my conversion as a teen I found I was able to pray in a contemplative way. That was my norm. At one time when I was in my 20s my prayer life (as I knew it) dried up and felt very superficial which was disturbing to me.

I went to see a priest who was a good friend. He asked me to describe what my usual prayer life was like. Then he explained that all prayer was a gift of the Holy Spirit (God praying within us) and therefore not to be disheartened if I found I couldn't pray in my usual way and/or my prayer life changed. Instead "pray the way you can, not the way you can't" and use vocal prayers, traditional prayers such as the rosary and the divine mercy chalet, use scripture etc. It was such a relief! Because I was feeling bereft. It was the first time I discovered my "natural" form of prayer had been very contemplative - when I just put myself in God's presence. Over time I found I was able to pray in a contemplative way again but now I know not to take it for granted but also not to be concerned if another form of prayer was more suitable. I don't usually spend time asking God for things or talking to God. I more just sit in His presence. I think that is why Exposition is so powerful. I have actually been learning to ask God for things recently!

Anyway, that was a waffley intro to say that this book is about deep prayer, but it is also very accessible. I love it.

Regarding confession/reconciliation, I am recovering from cancer and was out of action for a long time. My parish priest came to my house and as well as giving me the Sacrament of the Sick he heard mine and dh's confession.

I think go whenever you feel called to go, otherwise I really like CaptainMarvelBunting's habit of going regularly - a form of spiritual hygiene ! When I have gone regularly I have found I experience a difference in my prayer life and I really start to make inroads in areas in myself where I would like to change. It strengthens you and I often feel very close to God after this sacrament.

IdaBWells, sorry to hear you have been ill, hope you are doing OK now.

I dont know what it means to pray contemplatively. I think that might be trying to run before I can walk. Ive always appealed to God in my agnostic state in a visceral way as a reaction to the truly awful. Ive extended that lately to consciously talking to God and I'm now trying the Rosary (will look up the Divine Mercy Chaplet), plus my own written prayers, as well as organising myself into a conversation, usually in the car out loud if I'm on my own, or in my head when I'm in public. It gives me chance to order my thoughts.

Im still praying to sort out my faith issues. I know I said the other day that I am trying to 'park' problematical areas but am also trying to develop a good conscience, which means moving closer to church teachings (I have been watching Fr Mike Schmitz on that).

Thanks for book recommendation also to Captain. I will look these up.

I am reading Henri J M Nouwen 'The Return of the Prodigal Son', plus ordered a study Bible. Thought I better have a go at the gospel according to John at least.

I think I will go to confession at the end of April, but maybe its a bit soon by Captain's timetable. I dont want to be a priest botherer but could do with 'homework'. At the moment he asked me to 'look for signs of the resurrection in our world'. Its led me on an interesting direction these last few days but its slightly confounding. Any ideas on this head scratcher, gratefully received. I had a really weird sign (coincidence?) yesterday.

@RuffleCrowe (I like a punny name, as you can tell). I'm a bit far down the road to go back now. Catholicism is my community and my history so I have no other way to frame a relationship with God. Id be really interested to hear what your experience has been. Im sorry its not been positive.

Don't feel you have to stick to a timetable set by me! Go as you feel the need. WRT to the priests advice, I really like open ended advice like that. I like looking round and seeing what a strong thread redemption is in human culture. I see it in the news stories that catch the popular imagination, film plots, the relationships I have with people around me. It's like God leaving fingerprints everywhere. Resurrection would be similar, I suspect. What things that appeared dead have come to life again? That's a thread working through nature as we go into Spring, and despite the gloom in the news media, you can always find beautiful examples of new life in the news too. Has someone you know come through a really hard time and put the other side into something new? Is it you?

That's where my mind would go, and those thoughts could be a springboard for gratitude and prayer.

Seriously, you sound like you're doing great. Just walk, one step at a time.

We are in a relationship with God so I wouldn't worry too much about timetables, if you think you would like to go to confession just go.

All prayer is an action of the Holy Spirit so that's why I like the phrase "pray the way you can, not the way you can't" so whatever personally appeals follow that prompting. I would try and pray for a regular time each day. I would aim for 20 minutes and grow from there.

I was an atheist with no faith at all, so I recognize the Holy Spirit, by that I mean I recognize his presence and when in prayer I usually feel completely at peace. Although it's not about feelings so even if I feel nothing spiritually, no sense of God, I still pray. It's faith that knows God is always there.

Don't worry if some prayer traditions leave you cold and do nothing for you, explore and follow what feels the most natural and right for you.

My parish priest had some good advice. He said to give God the best part of your day, in other words pray at the time of day you feel your best. If you are not a morning person but feel most productive mid-afternoon or early evening - pray then.