Losing my faith? Or was it never there to start with...?

[ConfusedAboutEverything]

This is quite a long story so I'll just include the important bits..

Firstly I'm 20, have a DH of 2.5yrs and DD who is 9months old. When I was 17 I converted to Islam having been brought up with no real religion or concept of spirituality. I wasn't however as enthusiastic as I ought to have been, and I have never really felt it in my heart, although I do believe in God. I feel i have never really connected with Islam the way i wanted to, and as i am not a spiritual person at all i find it hard to talk about my feelings towards God and the Hereafter and such.

At the time of my conversion my twin sister had just converted so i was probably influenced by that, although she has just recently split from her muslim bf (although they were married in islam) and has stopped wearing hijab/being a muslim at all. It has been a long time since i prayed as i have no motivation. Im finding myself thinking of all the freedom i would have if i didnt wear hijab, like going swimming or just enjoying the sunshine, as i currently dread the summer and cant stand the heat, etc etc.

We dont really socalise with other muslims at the moment so i dont see many good muslimah role models, although i also dont really want to IYSWIM. I just feel like a failure in that if i stop wearing hijab all my friends and family will question my integrity, and other muslims wouldn't take me seriously when interacting with them. But at the same time i feel like such a fraud and a fake when i put it on each day, as on the outside i look muslim but inside.. well inside is very confused .

Well done anyone who read all that!

I am so confused and dont know what to do

Oh hun, i have no real advice to offer i'm afraid, but just wanted to say that i'm sorry you're feeling so down/confused right now . xx

I really don't know how to say this so apologies in advance. It seems to me as if you are going through a non-practising religious state, which to be honest... it it quite common, many of us have gone trough it (or frankly stayed in it) for many different reasons.

With regards to:

"I just feel like a failure in that if i stop wearing hijab all my friends and family will question my integrity, and other muslims wouldn't take me seriously when interacting with them."

There are plenty of muslims that don't wear it, and nobody questions their integrity. If you were raised, I assume by your family, without a faith and you don't meet regularly with other muslims... who is there to question that integrity? I don't think that people currently around you would care tbh. What does your DH thinks?

... what I wanted to say, is that you have to be true to yourself, do what you consider is correct for your person and circumstances.

Would second previous poster.

I know some Moslems who wear hijab and some who don't.They are still faithful to their religion.

They are all sensitive,caring people,as you sound.

I have no idea how to help as am not a Moslem.

Go with your instincts.

My DH says its up to me, its my decision if i want to wear it or not. I think he would obviously prefer me to but wouldn't even contemplate forcing me to wear hijab. I worry that Dh's father's side of the family (all muslim) would think i just became muslim to get married or to fit in.. but at the moment i am actually questioning that myself so obviously others will think similarly.

I know my husband is going through a non-practising religious state as you mentioned Isabel, but i feel so empty and lost in that area that im not sure i was even religious to start with IYSWIM?

I think the issue is deeper than whether i want to wear hijab or not.. but i'm afraid of facing up to the real tough possibly life-changing questions that lie within.

I honestly think that if i didnt have Dh and DD to think about, i would be tempted to go down the same path as my sister - no hijab, drinking, (ok maybe not the drinking bit), dating, new life new people etc etc. Basically not a muslim anymore :-(

I must talk to Dh about how Im feeling, but find it so hard knowing that it'll probably disappoint him. He's working away atm so it's difficult.. thats why im on mn asking for advice because I am just so lost!

CAE - poor you. It is awful when things you were sure of are no longer so sure, so certain, even there at all.

I'm coming at this from a Christian perspective, but have been through many of the same strugles you are describibg - is it real? is God there? if so, why don't I experience Him? if I walk awy now, what will my (non-Christian) family think about my conversion?

I wasn't faced with the outward issues you have with the Hijab, as there's no equivalent in Chritsianity. But your internal struggles are very familiar to me.

Feel free to CAT if you want to talk offline. Facing these struggles is huge - I remember desperately HOPING i was all true, but feeling like it wasn't - its scarey when you have built your life on something.

Take care
x

Can you find some other Muslim women to talk to? Back in April I went to London to celebrate my sister's birthday, a meal out with her friends. Two of the women were Muslims who had converted - one Irish, one English and they both wear the hijab. But the thing is, one was about to divorce her husband, but he luckily died, and the other is in the process of. But they never lost their faith.

I can put you in touch with one of them if you CAT me. I've only met her once (my sis and I are about 60 miles apart) but she really is lovely. I was just (and still am) intrigued by the fact that they want to keep their faith but not their husbands.