Christian help with marriage/sex issues

[Justbackfromnewwine]

Just wondered if anyone has come across any books or other resources that might help me. Our marriage is struggling and there are lots of issues but the one I find most difficult to talk to anyone about is Sex. I just don’t want it as much as he does basically. I’m sure this is partly symptomatic of the other issues we’re having. We got some great pastoral prayer at new wine for our relationship and I now have some hope that we can improve things and communicate better. But in the mean time there’s still this sex issue. I was forcing myself to do it really to keep the peace but that doesn’t feel right and I think was leading to more resentment. But then if I only did it when i actually wanted to he would feel very neglected and upset I think. Im going to get the love languages book for us both to read. But has anyone got any other suggestions that might help?

in Biblical terms, a mismatched sex drive or communication difficulties aren't reason for divorce.

Very sound advice (apologies if this seems like a derail) regardless of the religious background. I don't expect anyone would say mismatched sex drive or difficulties in communication would be reasons for divorce per say. Only if one or both partners refused to accept that these were issues which needed to be resolved or refused to engage in a process of resolution which was fair to both parties, would it be considered that divorce was a way forward.

Would ruling out divorce as a way out, be more likely to promote finding a compromise, or would one party just ultimately be told to 'put up with it'? Im seeing interesting parallels with some current topics in politics, so may just have woken up too early this morning.

Was your sex life good /satisfactory in the early stages of your relationship?

How about he reduces his working hours?assuming you can work? That Wayne might have some emotional time for you and kids

Not a religious based reply, but I read somewhere that a man needs sex to feel loved and a woman needs to feel loved to want sex. A tricky one! With long working hours, 3 kids to care for and perhaps even post partum body issues (I certainly suffer from this 😫), there's a lot going on. Maybe as someone as suggested, try a date night, try to be romantic without sex and let one another know how loved and appreciated you both are. Sometimes a bit more connection will help on both sides of the equation. All the best xx

@Justbackfromnewwine

From a married Christian perspective:

I would second recommendations to look at The Five Love Languages. Even before/instead of reading the book, you and your husband could take the online quiz together and have a chat around your results!

www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

Just to clear the air of any false assumptions that may arise/have arisen: Has your husband ever forced himself on you, or made you do anything intimately which you did not want to do? Has he lashed out in anger or in anyway punished your for not wanting to be intimate? Do you feel unsafe or coerced?

If any of those things characterize your relationship, I would echo the warnings and sentiments of others on this thread: You should never feel that you 'must' have sex with anyone, that you don't have a voice, that your needs and wants are not or less important.

However, if instead it seems that your husband is just pretty constantly down to sex, and thus pretty often sexually frustrated or feeling rejected or deprived, I think that is an entirely different situation, and I will not speak of your husband in anyway which suggests he is sexually exploiting or manipulating you.

I can entirely relate to the mismatched libido which you explain. My DH says he would ideally like to have sex everyday to every other day. And that's simply normal for men (at least, so says research, and a scroll through any chat room on the subject). Men want sex/think about sex far, far more than women: journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1207/s15327957pspr0503_

I genuinely want sex (feel spontaneously horny) very seldom, think about it almost never, largely could go without it.... buuuut, I have strong suspicions that there are reasons for that beyond my "natural," baseline sex drive.

And I suspect there are external reasons your sex drive is so low, too. Not feeling emotionally close with your husband, not feeling appreciated, not being romanced, not feeling supported, not feeling respect for your husband--none of those are conducive to being in the mood. And mood matters A LOT for women, where it doesn't for men. Sex is far more complicated for women than for men. These are not simply unfounded cultural stereotypes! Read the research! This WebMd articles gives an overview of some interesting and relevant findings: www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-drive-how-do-men-women-compare#4

A distinct issue which I experience myself is lack of orgasm. I am convinced that if I knew every time I had sex I would reach a delicious orgasm, I would want it A LOT more often. But reaching orgasm tends to be frustratingly difficult for me, no matter what level of patience, effort, and creativity my husband exerts. I am too much in my head. Is this something you have thought about when reflecting on your own libido? Have you considered what it is that turns you on, and what it is that turns you off, or makes it difficult for you to enjoy sex? What could your husband do to make sex something that you do not "just for his sake," but because you genuinely enjoy it?

These are questions I know I need to explore more for myself and in my marriage, and I am seriously considering taking the issue before a sex therapist. DH and I are currently abstaining from sex for entirely separate reasons (scar tissue from having baby which has made it intolerably painful for me to have sex, waiting to have it dealt with in hospital asap), but if once I am ready to start having sex again, my own issues with intimacy persist... I am 100% going to a sex therapist with DH. I would strongly encourage you to bring this up with your husband to see if he might be open to it!

From what I have read, the majority of sex-related issues are rooted in general relationship issues. If you feel like you're at a breaking-point and need help, leaning on your church community is great, but you should really consider the expertise and focused care you could receive from going to a couples or sex therapist, whether Christian or secular.

Until then, I would try your best to be open and honest with your DH. Tell him how you feel, and that you deeply want things to be better for your relationship as a whole, including your sex life. You want to get there. But it's going to take work from both of you.

Will be saying a prayer for you and your husband tonight, as well as the countless other marriages which I am sure face similar difficulties. We all need God's grace, not only in our individual lives, but in our marriages.

I am convinced that if I knew every time I had sex I would reach a delicious orgasm, I would want it A LOT more often. But reaching orgasm tends to be frustratingly difficult for me,

This is such a sad story. I would urge you to invest in a vibrator, so that you can guarantee a satisfying orgasm anytime you want it. See how the world looks, once you can orgasm anytime you want to. The prospect of sex, not just PIV sex, but the whole range of sensations, may seem very different in these circumstances. All the best.

Hi there,

I can't remember the author but I was at a talk at New wine a few years ago by a lady who spoke on this issue for women and had written a very helpful book from a Christian perspective called 'who stole my sex life' might be worth a read.

Hello...I can really relate to how you are feeling op...in fact I felt the same about a year ago...we are married ,he is my only partner,and I felt as you did,and I had been doing the same as you had...I hit a bad wall of depression,and just stopped doing what I did around the house.he is naturally a more tidy person than me ,and slowly he stepped up and did more..there was a gulf between us ,and I stopped forcing myself to keep him happy ,and focused on me ,for a good 6 months ..if you are following...in that time we didn't even discuss the issue ,im catholic so divorce is not an option for me..anyway I was referred for counselling,CBT actually...and it came about she thought he was making me unhappy and suggestedI couldn't leave if I wanted to.i didn't want to.but it helped ,I think ,someone giving me permission to..anyway back to the bedroom issues ...so 6 months of me putting myself first ,I suppose not many men would be happy with that,but I felt I needed to reclaim me for me..I'm still a person underneath being a wife and mother..and I literally did nothing at home,just cooked and did childcare and washing..he gradually did more and more ,I started to feel supported ,and in turn I appreciated the contributions he was making .and the feelings that had switched off ,have flickered back on...bizarrely we never talked ,and only briefly did I discuss issues with the counsellor...we are not big talkers about feelings .things are better ,he continues to do plenty at home ,we appreciate each other more ..I think he actually thought I was going to leave at one point ,so that might of made him step up.we have 4 dc.2 with disabilities,so neither of us wants to be left holding the baby as it were...hope that helps if only to show other people have felt / done the same x

Thanks @Finallyhere

I have been thinking about the potential use of a vibrator... Reading up on the moral implications and use of them from a Christian perspective now

Reading up on the moral implications and use of them from a Christian perspective now

Am curious to know what conclusions you were brought to.

Reading up on the moral implications and use of them from a Christian perspective now It's non of their beeswax

@headinhands -- Will let you know! Been reading and discussing with my husband, not yet sure I've come to firm conclusions.

@Vitalogy -- Haha, it's not so much whether I think it's "their" (the church, a minister's, etc.) beeswax, but more that I think it is God's beeswax :-) I personally find it very helpful to reflect on moral theology (especially as informed by natural law) when considering whether or not something is moral. I don't think that just because two people are married, any sexual act is thereby pure and good. I think our intuition can be a helpful source of knowledge, but I don't tend to rely on it as my only authority. So while use of a vibrator initially strikes me as innocuous and possibly helpful for a married couple, I can also think of many possible dangers, in terms of making the sexual act something other than what it ought to be: an act which is simultaneously pleasurable and unitive, not selfish, etc.

I think it may well come down to an individual's conscience (as the Church has not taken an official stance on this, the Bible does not speak directly to it, and so on). Questions I would have to consider for myself, then, are: Would the use of a vibrator be a mere bandaid for some deeper issues within myself and/or my marriage that really need to be addressed? Could a vibrator frustrate a natural purpose of sex (e.g. get in the way of unity); if not necessarily, could there be a very strong temptation to over-rely on a vibrator (or any other such tool), to pursue my own gratification selfishly? Would it be significantly better to devote more time and energy to exploring how my husband could gratify me on his own--would that benefit our relationship more, and possibly even be conducive to even more powerful orgasms, and more loving sex, than simply using a vibrator? Could a vibrator get in the way of such discoveries, by virtue of being a quick and easy fix compared to the work which such exploration might take? Could I find myself becoming impatient with my husband's attempts to gratify me, as the vibrator might be more effective than he is?

Maybe not, maybe none of these issues would come up. But I think they are very much worth considering, and I think one's sex life (as well as any other aspect of one's life) should always be laid before the feet of Jesus, rather than roped off as "my own business." I want to have super pleasurable, good, holy, God-designed sex; not just super pleasurable sex. And so, while I still don't think I've come to a conclusion regarding a vibrator in the marriage bed, I would urge any Christian couple to prayerfully and honestly consider the moral implications of using one before dropping something in your Amazon cart. :-)

especially as informed by natural law Within you IS the natural law.

I think our intuition can be a helpful source of knowledge Intuition IS the true knowledge.

I think you mentioned about being too in your head, I know easier said than done but that's what you'll have to try and move away from. Of course thought is useful but not in the moment(s) around orgasm. Meditation can help the mind settle.

Each to their own of course but I'm not the biggest fan of vibrators, I think it can mask the feeling/intenseness.

Ps, our bodies have been made to give use pleasure, we shouldn't feel guilty about this.

Our church ran a marriage course called "What did you expect?" By Paul Tripp.

www.paultripp.com/what-did-you-expect

We found it quite helpful, as we have young kids too.

If you do feel all touched out and run down by housework etc is there any chance you could get a cleaner? It does sound tough for both of you with 3 young kids and your husband's long working hours.

justbackfromnewwine how are things going, have you both read the Love Languages book now? I’m late to the thread and you have received much good advice. I just have one or two observations to add.
Why does your husband leave for work so early and get home so late? I ask because my DH did this when we had 3 and then 4 young DCs. He would explain that the tubes were too crowded in rush hour and he only had time to think and get work done when the phones stopped ringing out of office hours. Looking back, I realise it was because he chose this over spending time in the chaos that 3 young children in a household involves. Like you, I was tired - exhausted - most of the time.

I wanted to check RandomMess ‘s post on page 1 before continuing. All those things she listed will lead to resentment. I think she has nailed the nub of the problem. If you can get to an agreement over parity parenting and housework (and communicating what that looks like to you, with or without a counsellor, is a good way of getting to this), you might find your libidos are not so mismatched after all.
Praying for you!