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Original poster

Christian help with marriage/sex issues

42 replies

Justbackfromnewwine · 13/08/2018 09:52

Just wondered if anyone has come across any books or other resources that might help me. Our marriage is struggling and there are lots of issues but the one I find most difficult to talk to anyone about is Sex. I just don’t want it as much as he does basically. I’m sure this is partly symptomatic of the other issues we’re having. We got some great pastoral prayer at new wine for our relationship and I now have some hope that we can improve things and communicate better. But in the mean time there’s still this sex issue. I was forcing myself to do it really to keep the peace but that doesn’t feel right and I think was leading to more resentment. But then if I only did it when i actually wanted to he would feel very neglected and upset I think. Im going to get the love languages book for us both to read. But has anyone got any other suggestions that might help?

OP posts:
Ophelialovescats · 13/08/2018 09:55

Are you attracted to him ?
A counsellor (perhaps secular?) may help.
It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself .

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 13/08/2018 10:02

My friends DM is a counsellor at her church, there may be other church based Christian counsellors if you ask around. But i agree with PP, a good counsellor could help and doesn’t need to be Christian. You can continue to pray and seek pastoral support, but also seeking help separately from your church life might be helpful.

AdoraBell · 13/08/2018 10:02

I second trying counselling, for yourself rather than joint, or marriage counselling.

RandomMess · 13/08/2018 10:05

Why do you think you're not in the mood very often?

Young children and all touched out?
Feel like a domestic appliance?
Doing all the wifework?
Exhausted?

I would look at that first and ensure your Christian faith isn't being twisted that you are carrying the load...

Original poster
Justbackfromnewwine · 13/08/2018 10:12

Yes all of the above really @RandomMess. And I am checking out counselling options. Just having seriously considered bailing on it and feeling like we can’t go on, I’ve had a bit of a change of heart/mindset and am now really wanting to focus on improving things. We need to talk more about everything, including this issue. I just would love some practical tips on how to manage differing libidos. I do totally get that we have to address the under lying issues. I feel my emotional needs are not being met, he seems to have minimal emotional needs but physical affection is seemingly very important to him. It’s just so hard when I don’t feel like giving it.

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RandomMess · 13/08/2018 10:23

So is he stepping up to help practically and support emotionally? Until he does things aren't going to change and he needs this explained!

It needs to be equal leisure time for you both - so make him part of the process what is he going to take on for that to be the reality?

When I was involved in various church groups I made it very clear I could only be there because my DH made it possible. I could walk out and know he would put 3 pre schoolers to bed, clear up etc.

Don't let him pull any misogynistic bull because he's head of the house - that title is about having spiritual responsibility before God not about having his wife do everything!

Pebblesandfriends · 13/08/2018 10:44

If what you want is guidance on sexual intimacy within a Christian context then there are a lot of books as a starting point. There's one called good news about sex and marriage by Christopher West. It sounds like of he starts to meet your emotional needs you may be more inclined.

FinallyHere · 13/08/2018 10:46

What @RandomMess said, much better than i could express, thank you very much.

Paternalistic religions don't tend to have great track records when it comes to these kind of issues in human relationships.

Legageddon · 13/08/2018 10:52

Did you not have any sexual relations until after marriage?
Only you may simply have very mismatched libidos and sadly this is usually something people work it before committing.

What has he said when you have raised it?
If you haven’t been married long and he didn’t have sex before marriage then his libido may naturally reduce in time.

But if he can’t recognise your reluctance as a reason not to be pushing for sex then I’d be very unhappy about his lack of ability to consider your needs and wants as important tbh.

Original poster
Justbackfromnewwine · 13/08/2018 10:53

He is at a slightly different place in his faith to me and I don’t think he thinks of himself as head of the house although there are some issues with making joint decisions. We have not been feeling like a team. He does work hard and have limited leisure time eg he’s out of the house from about 6.30am to 8.30pm which massively affects his part in family life. When he’s back he’s ‘spent’ and has little left to give to me or our 3 kids.

We made a good step forward last week by actually having a serious chat about it, me telling him some of how I feel, him committing to regular ‘chats’ and trying to really listen and communicate. I think emotional
Support is a massive work in progress as it does not come naturally to him.

So on the one hand I feel it’s great we made that step and had felt we had regained some of our connection. But then last night the sex issue reared it’s ugly head and I literally don’t know what to do for the best. He’d like it every other night, I’d like it... never or maybe every couple of weeks (hard to know really) so should we compromise and I commit to once a week or something? I know it sounds awful and clinical but maybe if the pressure was off the other nights I’d be more up for it when it happened.

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Original poster
Justbackfromnewwine · 13/08/2018 10:54

Yes we only had full sex after marriage though we did share a bed beforehand.

I’ve never slept with anyone else, he did have other relationships before.

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Original poster
Justbackfromnewwine · 13/08/2018 10:56

Married 13 years. If anything his libido seems to have increased!!

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Original poster
Justbackfromnewwine · 13/08/2018 10:58

He doesn’t push for it exactly just initiates it and finds it hard to conceal his disappointment/upset if I say thanks but not tonight. Eg last night he got up and went downstairs.

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FinallyHere · 13/08/2018 11:00

I know you asked for advice in a Christian context, but .... fundamentally, no one should be pressurised into have sex, you need to have a real choice: no one can enjoy anything if they have to be pressured into doing it.

Sorry, @Justbackfromnewwine

If anyone tells you anything different, it might be worth questioning their motivation.

forale · 13/08/2018 11:01

Please don't sleep with him if you don't want to. If it's keeping the peace it suggests you're being pressured either directly or indirectly. You matter and what you want matters

Original poster
Justbackfromnewwine · 13/08/2018 11:09

@FinallyHere thank you, that’s important to say, and I do know that. No one has said that to me and I hope they wouldn’t in the Christian circles I move in.

I have made a decision myself to do it when I’m not up for it because I know it’s important to him.

But as I say I think that’s led to more resentment on my part and I’ve felt I can’t keep doing that without addressing the issues head on.

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Lynne1Cat · 13/08/2018 11:11

. We got some great pastoral prayer at new wine for our relationship.... I can't even understand what that means

Original poster
Justbackfromnewwine · 13/08/2018 11:22

New wine is week-long Christian camp/festival/conference we were at last week. There was a ‘pastoral prayer’ but where you could just drop in and talk/pray with people about anything that was bothering you. I went there to ask them to pray for me about my marriage. They said I could come back the next day with my husband if we wanted. I told him I’d been there for prayer about it and asked if he’d come with me. To my surprise he did which is quite a massive deal because he (a) is not that into praying and (b) hates talking about stuff especially with other people.

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Original poster
Justbackfromnewwine · 13/08/2018 11:24

So I felt we were making a big step forward in that he was acknowledging we are in trouble and while we were there we had a good chat and he committed to trying to improve things.

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RandomMess · 13/08/2018 12:04

So he comes home "too spent" to help/give time to you and DC but has the energy to initiate and want sex...

DH has a huge sex drive but when he's too exhausted funnily enough he doesn't want sex!

You need to point this mismatch out to him. Ask him "how do you think it feels when you are too tired to give us yourself so I run around in the evenings after running around all day but then when I'm collapsing into bed you expect me to be in the mood?"

Exaggerate a little to illustrate the point you are making but I suspect this is probably the biggest sticking point - you aren't getting down time during the week! Is it any better at weekends?

Madhairday · 14/08/2018 18:52

Hello justback. I was also at NW last week. Hope you had a great week.

It's good that he made the step of being willing to talk/pray it all through. But it sounds like there is a lot more to work through together and counselling would be a good step if he is willing. It does sound like there is a communication issue and also the issue of him being too exhausted to muck in with family life but not to initiate sex. It doesn't sound like there is so much loving touch/romance so that must make it seem even more clinical and detached for you. I'm sorry; it sounds difficult for you.

The five love languages is really good, definitely worth him reading too though and maybe breaking it down and talking it through together. He needs to know he can't just expect to get what he wants without you being fully up for it and also without him showing love in so many other ways. But maybe last week was a first step, I think these things can often be so freeing and a start of a better way of communicating.

I'm sorry I don't know of any books to help but I'd definitely explore some counselling. Even if you have a mismatched libido doesn't mean you can't work that through and live in better mutual understanding - and him in higher respect of who you are and what you need as well as what he does.

All best wishes.

applesandpears33 · 14/08/2018 19:04

I hate the expression, but would it help if you had a "date night"? It might be good if you spent some time together without the kids. It could be going for a meal, a walk, trip to the cinema etc. Any friends or relatives who could look after the kids once or twice a month? It doesn't always have to be at night either - DH and I have a childfree morning or day once a month due to our working patterns. I find it is a great time to chat and enjoy spending time together without the DC interrupting constantly.

speakout · 14/08/2018 20:24

But then if I only did it when i actually wanted to he would feel very neglected and upset I think.

So he is happy to have sex when you don't want it?
Does he know you "give in" to please him?

Rebecca36 · 14/08/2018 21:39

The problem you describe is something that happens to many couples, Christian or not. My belief is that your husband is wrong to pressurise you into sex that you don't what. If it happens less often and desired by both it will be better. Tell him, "Quality rather than quantity".

bathsh3ba · 16/08/2018 15:06

I'm a relatively new Christian but that means I've done a lot of wide reading on various issues including marriage/sex/divorce etc. (I'm divorced.)

Trying to combine what I've read with my own personal experience here, so here goes.

  1. Totally agree communication is important. It floundered utterly in my marriage and never came back. The Bible makes it clear you are a team, you need to communicate. If he's willing to work on this, that's great. No reason why you can't consider secular marriage counselling too, as long as you 'test' the advice you are given against scripture and discard anything you know is against your faith.
  1. It sounds like sex has become a Big Issue for you both here. The Bible says it's an important part of marriage. It doesn't say anyone has the right to demand it but it does say sexual intimacy is important. Can you discuss with your husband starting with a lesser degree of physical affection, e.g. cuddling on the sofa and gradually proceeding to sex? Women often need more 'warming up' both mentally and physically than men. You may find that if you start cuddling/kissing/touching more, you feel more like sex. If you don't even feel comfortable cuddling/kissing then I think you need to uncover why and that probably needs some kind of counselling. If it's just a mismatch of how often then talking should resolve that.

Ultimately I think you know that in Biblical terms, a mismatched sex drive or communication difficulties aren't reason for divorce. They should be able to be worked through with willingness from both parties and prayers.

I hope this helped in some way.