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Original poster

Family at loggerheads over religion- stuck in the middle

28 replies

speakout · 29/07/2018 07:41

Just that- sister does not approve of our mother's new found religion. Thinks it is "demonic" , her religion is the "truthful" one.
Mother desperate for advice- I am an atheist stuck in the middle, sister bending my ear telling me to "forbid" our mother from attending her church ( she is elderly and needs transport), mother is so confused, asking me about the "truth."

As an atheist I am really not qualified to comment.

Anyone else have religious family disputes?

OP posts:
DieAntword · 29/07/2018 07:44

Since you have no dog in the fight I’d say so but I’d definitely keep taking your mother to her church and express you don’t think it’s “demonic” because if she’s gone there a long time if nothing else it will be a source of social support for her. If your sister kicks up a fuss just tell her the truth, you’re an atheist and don’t believe that your mothers church is demonic.

missfattyfatty · 29/07/2018 11:50

Well if your atheist would you believe in anything demonic anyway? And your sister should know that. Do what you can for your elderly mum and keep taking her unless it’s a cult or something that could be trying to financially defraud her. Your sister’s worries maybe rooted in something more worldly than temporal. If it’s not a set up aimed at signing away your mums house let her have this emotional comfort in her old age.

kenandbarbie · 29/07/2018 12:29

I agree with miss fatty

Original poster
speakout · 29/07/2018 12:30

No I don't believe in anything demonic, but our mother does, and it is upsetting for our mother.

OP posts:
kenandbarbie · 29/07/2018 12:33

Is your mother going to a spiritualist church? Is your sisters religion what your mother used to believe?

Original poster
speakout · 29/07/2018 12:38

kenandbarbie not a spiritual church, no it's Mormon.
And yes she used to be part of my sister's church- a heavy Baptist/Pentacostal type church.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 29/07/2018 12:42

As an atheist of. Ourse you’re qualified to comment. None of it’s real. So decide whether to want to please your mother or your sister, and act accordingly.

Or wash your habds(see what I did there? Grin) of both of them.

Vitalogy · 29/07/2018 12:48

Could your mother get a taxi if you want no involvement in it.

You could tell your sister that best we keep the subject of religion off the table.

Original poster
speakout · 29/07/2018 12:54

Many thanks.

My mother and I live together, so closely involved.
She is elderly, but since joining the temple has mad lots of new friends, outings etc. Plus she is out of the house for 5 hours on a Sunday!

OP posts:
thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts · 29/07/2018 12:54

Tricky one. If going to the JWs is making your mother happy then that sounds like a good thing. For what I understand your sister is very, very conservative so maybe 95% of churches in the UK will not meet her strict criteria for a proper church so you are not going to win this one. Staying out of the fight and supporting your mum may be all you can do.

kenandbarbie · 29/07/2018 12:56

I think you should keep taking your mum as it is providing her with company. Mormons are not exactly mainstream I suppose, but not a demonic cult! If your sister is in the sort of church you describe, nothing will please her.

thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts · 29/07/2018 12:56

Whoops, Mormons not JWs but the same applies.

DelphiniumBlue · 29/07/2018 12:59

Your mum can make her own choices. Sister won't like this as hers is evangelical, and therefore she will see herself as h having a duty to speak up. Did mum used to belong to sister's church?
Keep reiterating that it's nothing to do with you and that you won't referee.

Original poster
speakout · 29/07/2018 13:00

Thanks.

Greenheart- especially thanks. You know my views on religion, but I also see that this church is a good thing for my mother.
Her social life has opened up, she loves the services, the musical evenings, made lots of new friends.

There is a real challenge over dogma too though- the Mormon church promises that she will see her late husband ( my father) in the afterlife- even though he was an atheist.
My sister tells our mother that he will be in hell and they will never meet again.
That is the single biggest crux and point of conflict.

OP posts:
Original poster
speakout · 29/07/2018 13:01

DelphiniumBlue
Yes you are right- I need to take a step back.

Not easy when my mother is in tears.

OP posts:
daffodildelight · 29/07/2018 23:08

Hi Speakout,
I think remember you posting on this before. Am I right in thinking you have come round to your mums church but your sister is still against it? Can you talk to your sister about what changed your mind? Perhaps it will help your sister.

Somewhereovertheroad · 30/07/2018 08:27

My sister tells our mother that he will be in hell and they will never meet again.

Not very christian of your sister. Most churches will teach that you shouldn't judge etc

missfattyfatty · 30/07/2018 08:50

Your mother is probably holding onto these new beliefs for hope she will see you in the afterlife too OP, unlike what your sister has probably already pronounced your afterlife experience as being. Iv heard about Mormons doing posthumous baptisms for people of other faiths where a Mormon stands in proxy of a deceased non believer. They’re banned from doing it for Jewish holocaust victims but they will do it for most others. That is probably how they will ensure your father (and you) will go to heaven with your mother. It’s just a more advanced version of saying ‘il pray for you’ whether one wants it or not. And it comes from a good place etc etc.

The Social activities side sounds fab for her and there’s a lot to be said for improved mental health especially extending social contacts for an elderly person. If she was on her own or in an old people’s home she wouldn’t be able to make these numerous trips so it’s nice of you also that you are facilitating this for her.

specialsubject · 30/07/2018 16:49

ask your sister what she thinks of religious freedom.

if that doesn't shut her up there really is no hope. In which case just ignore her as an intolerant bigot.

headinhands · 31/07/2018 10:49

My sister tells our mother that he will be in hell and they will never meet again.

That's horrid but she's just repeating what she's been told.

You're not going to cover any ground arguing about it. Keep your head down and carry on supporting your mum.

motortroll · 31/07/2018 11:04

Your sister is cruel!

People like that is why I was brought up Christian but ended up an athiest!

Put the religious ideals aside. Look at the behaviour here. Your sister is bullying your mum to agree with her opinion. Your mum is happy in her social circle and your sister is trying to prevent that. Your mums opinion is different to yours and your sisters. You are accepting her opinion even though it's different to yours. Your sister is insisting she is right and no one else's opinion (including your late dads) is wrong.

I think as an atheist this is how you need to look at it. I know what I would do!

Btw one of my best friends is a Mormon. She is such a fabulous generous caring person and so are all of her church friends I have met. If I could get past the stories I can't get on board with I'd be signing up today! (And I don't even like people lol)

Original poster
speakout · 31/07/2018 11:51

Thanks for that.

I think though the difference is that my sister "knows" she is right.

She is genuinely in fear of our mother's soul.

I can step back - as as I have no faith- and see that one flavour of religion is pretty much the same as another.

My sister's church is evangelical and satan fearing.

I understand that she appears to be a bigot, but she is having the same knee jerk reaction that a parent would if a child is about to run into the road.
As a parent you would grab the child and pull it back

My sister sees our mother in great danger.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 31/07/2018 11:59

I think the problem (for lack of a better word) with some more conservative evangelical Christian types is that so much of their theology is based on overemphasising an almost smug 'we are saved and you lot aren't', which is comforting when you and your family and friends are all part of the same theological bubble. It must be deeply distressing for your sister to see your mother hold different views because her entire worldview has been based on fearing any belief other than the doctrines of (usually) a non denominational group with self appointed elders/pastors.

I think you have to support your mother and tell your sister that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. If she is worried for your mother's soul, she would be better to pray for your mother to have wisdom and peace rather than be unkind by condemning her to hell.

(I'm a member of quite a liberal chruch and have no time for people using the bible as justification for unkindness)

headinhands · 31/07/2018 13:38

My sister sees our mother in great danger.

Your sister may as well 'see' your mother as a leprechaun. Your mum is in no danger according to facts.

SoyDora · 31/07/2018 13:45

How does your sister treat your atheism? If she sees your mother as being in great danger, she must think the same about you, as an atheist? Does she hassle you about your (lack of) religious beliefs?