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Original poster

i need faith

20 replies

BFG · 13/08/2004 21:56

I posted a message a few months back basically about the situation I was in. My father in law was diagnosed with cancer in march and my husband was finding it hard to accept (so was I ). Anyhow, it progressed quite quickly, the tumour ruptoured on 28th June and on 30th June he died. In tandem to this, my best friends' father was very, very ill and died three weeks after.

I think (or hope, at least) that I have gotten over the initial shock. But, after the burial I can't help wondering, whats it all about? Whats the point? I can't get my head round anything some days, and some days I have such morbid thoughts about my own father dying. I get so scared and emotional. Its hell.

I have always been an open minded person and am considering 'turning' to religion or SOMETHING
to help me through this difficult time.

Has anyone else felt like this.

OP posts:
phatcat · 13/08/2004 22:14

I'm really sorry to hear about this BFG. I know what you mean about questioning what's the point of it all. My own experience of such things (dad and bro-in law dying) just reinforced my own atheistic tendencies and made me feel that the point is to try and live a good life and be the best partner, mum and friend I can be - so about relationships in the here and now really. (So far) I don't believe that there is anything else. Is there anyone you can speak to explore your thoughts and feelings about it all - or perhaps see a bereavement counsellor?

Original poster
BFG · 13/08/2004 22:21

phatcat, thankyou for kind message. I am planning on having 1-to-1 counselling through "Cruse" bereavement service. On more positive days I have tried to enjoy my family more and me and dh so speak about how we are feeling daily. It can be so hard though. It is very early days though don't you think?

OP posts:
Crystaltips · 13/08/2004 22:24

I think that counselling is a good idea. In the meantime - look after yourself and take each day one at a time. Do not try to rush things and remember that you are at a very vulnerable stage at the moment. be kind to yourself.

HUGS to you

peachypie · 13/08/2004 22:30

BFG, i think councelling is a good idea to help you with your feelings, but have you ever thought about really looking into the bible to try to find answers and comfort?

Original poster
BFG · 13/08/2004 22:44

peachypie, i have considered going to church as there is a beautiful old one near us. I havent thought about looking into the bible - do you think this can help? Which part in particular?

Counselling does seem the best option for me at the moment. I need to get things clearer in my head.

OP posts:
ionesmum · 13/08/2004 23:09

BFG, I am so sorry to hear of what you have been through. Grief and loss are really terrible and I hope that you find that counselling helps.

The advice to be gentle with yourself is very good.

I am a Christian and find that my faith gives me the way to make sense of why there is suffering. Firstly, I don't belive that God wills it, it isn't part of some 'plan', but I do believe that he grieves with us and holds us through our terrible times. He is there in all of the kindness, love and bravery in the world, whether we aknowledge him or not. Secondly I believe that Jesus died to save us; that is, he died so that when we die it is only in this world, and that we will have a new life with him. I truly believe that this is how it is for everyone regardless of whether they are Christians or not.

I nearly lost my dd1 at birth and had pnd, I kept on having dreadful thoughts about her dying throughout her babyhood, so I do sympathise with how you are feeling. It took me a year to come to terms with everything. Faith provides not a quick-fix solution but a solid rock on which to build, that grows with time and supports you through life.

Sorry this is such a short post but my dd2 needs a b/feed! I will remember you and your loved ones in my prayers tonight. I will try to post more later.

Ionesmum x

Original poster
BFG · 13/08/2004 23:15

ionesmum, thankyou so much for your post. I am very grateful for your advice. I too had pnd but was lucky enough to find a brilliant acupuncturist which was a life saver.

OP posts:
hedghog · 14/08/2004 01:28

Hi BFG
I just caught your post when I should really be in bed! My heart really goes out to you and your dh. Grief can be so crippling and scary it feels some days like you're out of control. My own father died of cancer a number of years ago. I'll write more tomorrow or sunday but tonight I just wanted to let you know that I will also pray for you and all your family. The peace and love of God can sustain you and hold you safe through the storm. The bible says if you seek God you will find Him. He does love you BFG. I pray you will know His compassion, grace, mercy and hope in increasing measure day by day. Wishing you a peaceful weekend.
hedghog xx

hannahken180 · 14/08/2004 07:01

Please be carefull. You are vulnerable at the moment. Religions of all faiths - cults or just ordinary christians will try to tempt you because that is what they have been told to do.
Everyone is obviously sorry for your loss.
Go with the counselling and understand that we are here to suppport you.
Again sorry for your loss but you can do this without some nicey nicey mythical magic....

glitterfairy · 14/08/2004 08:20

BFG this is a very difficult time for you and as you say you are scared and emotional. I hope that Cruse works for you as it is really good. I think much of what you are saying is that you feel lost, hurt and are questioning the meaning of things which is only right in this situation.

Death and dying often makes us question our values and beliefs. For me it makes me feel the value of life and whilst painful in terms of missing people I have always found it a life affirming experience in the end. I do stress in the end as I think it takes years to come to an understanding of loss and its place in life.

I think people that already have a belief find it incredibly comforting at times like this but turning to something out of desperation may not be helpful.

Faith is a wonderful thing and can mean not faith in God necessarily or a higher being but faith in oneself and the ability to carry on. Faith in life and in the wonders of what is around us and faith in humanity are what sustains me. I am an optimist and believe strongly that we control our destiny and shape our furtures ourselves.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that the counselling is helpful and I am thinking of you and sending a virtual hug.

ionesmum · 14/08/2004 16:44

BFG, I hope that you had a peaceful night. I want to reassure you that I don't want to convert you or anyone, no-one tells Christians to do anything of the sort, or not in my neck of the woods. My prayer for you is that you will find a way through this, whether by turning to God or another way that speaks to you.

Let me know if you would find it helpful for me to post further - I can give you some Bible refs and other resources. If this would make you feel uncomfortable then just say. The last thing I want is for you to think that I want to 'tempt' you into anything.

Ionesmum x

Btw glad to see that the acupuncure helped - I'm too much of a coward re the needles!

Original poster
BFG · 14/08/2004 22:43

hi everyone, thanks for your supportive messages. Knowing other people have been in similar situations really helps me put some of my feelings in to perspective. I do need faith in myself really, faith that I can get through this and hopefully Cruse will help me. Thank you so much everyone you really do not know how much you have helped.

BFG xx

OP posts:
peachypie · 14/08/2004 23:14

BFG, It is true people with a faith already, when they go through times that you are expeienceing do find their beliefs and faith give them great strength and comfort.
looking into the bible for answers is very rewarding and looking into the bible yourself and studying such things can bring a great sense of calm and comfort.
In the bible it does encourage us to look into gods word the bible to find out things for ourselves not just believe the teachings of man.
You asked which part in particular?
Try Matthew chapter 5 verse 3 to 8 and revelation chapter 21 verse 4.

ionesmum · 15/08/2004 13:53

Wishing you all the best, BFG smile{}

Nickinha · 15/08/2004 14:10

Dear BFG, Sorry to hear of you loss. It seems to me that you want to have a religion - something to believe in, something to help you through this difficult time. My advise to you is to open up your mind, and go with the flow, what you want will come to YOU.

Best of luck - i hope you find what you are looking for. I know God has worked wonders in my life - I pray that you get to meet Him and can experience the wonder of his love.

glitterfairy · 16/08/2004 12:08

BFG hope you are ok. I have been thinking about you and am glad you feel that the support here has helped.

hedghog · 16/08/2004 15:05

BFG, just wanted to post again to let you know that you're still on my mind. I'm so glad you have been able to take a little encouragement from all the kind and caring posts you have received. We truly wish you and your family, and your friend, peace and healing. I know the agony you are experiencing as you consider the fragility of life and how precious every day is with the people you love - some days it's all-possessing, but the pain will lift little by little. When my father died I found the support, love and compassion of my friends and my relationship with God invaluable. Talking, shouting, screaming and crying with others who care deeply helped me move from one hour to the next. I would shout too at God and weep with Him alternately and in equal measure! Counselling would be a real step forward but a brave one too. Sending you many hugs and best wishes.
hedghog x

Original poster
BFG · 16/08/2004 16:25

thankyou for your caring messages. I am planning a holiday for the october half term so that I have something to look forward to. Have been 'going with the flow' of my emotions. I feel abit more positive this week!

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 24/08/2004 08:34

A holiday sounds like a good idea BFG. Choose something relaxing! How are you?

I know for me that just not doing stuff in my dail routine gives me time for real reflection and allows me to really think.

Anyway I am glad that chatting here has helped and hope that you are continuing to have good days amongst the bad.

acnebride · 24/08/2004 08:54

Very best wishes BFG, it is such a sad time for you and I was glad to hear you are feeling more positive - but i guess things may go up and down for you. I hope and pray that in the future you will be able to remember with pleasure and not only with pain.

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