Recently started going back to church

[matilda57]

This long and jumbly bcs I can't think too straight about it all...
I used to be a big-time Christian, but my husband was extremely abusive (also a Christian) and the trauma of this destroyed my faith
HOwever, however-many-years later, I've started going back to church (long story). So here I am. It's hard going guys, I can tell you.
I found a really funky, arty church (yay) and really felt I could relate to these people. It is quite fundamentalist I guess - which is just-about OK (I can just about cope bcs there's some brilliant, solid stuff in it) - but all the trauma from the past (which I ran from) is still here, thumping away.
I feel confused about God tbh - I still have a residual resentment about my terrible, horrifying marriage. Also the hell I went through after I left my husband (he never did stop abusing me; and the entire world - and church - thought he was the most charming, wonderful man imagineable - 'a true Christian' [puke]. I have forgiven him now (took a long time to get to that!), but it was all extremely difficult and painful at the time). HOwever, I'd like to get to know God again and don't know how. HOw do you do it? I'm talking strategy here - I think I need a strategy. I think Jesus is absolutely fantastic - can't even put into words what I think about him - but I still don't know how to get close to him. I know he understands my bitterness, and all the hurt and damage, and I know full well he wants me healed.
The problem is that I don't feel 'heard' at this church tbh. I've fallen in the doors, in a bit of a state tbh, and they seem to be quite dismissive of me tbh. I recently volunteered for the soup run (something I've always wanted to do) and one of the leaders looked alarmed and said 'oh... well... you can prepare the food but I don't think you should go out' (!). I was so surprised by this, and asked the others if they had had a similar thing (I was careful to keep it light). They were all surprised and said, no, they had gone straight in to doing the full soup run.
I have asked for prayer and the same two people seem to appear from nowhere - the pastor's wife and this leader who said I shouldn't go out on the soup run. I feel very patronised by them and kind of 'held back'. I feel judged by them, and it's making me ill.
I have found that since going back to church I am struggling with anxiety and also feeling very unsettled. I don't feel accepted by these people, which is unsettling me a great deal. In the months/years leading up to actually realising I needed to find a church, I felt a great deal of peace as I gradually got closer to God. Going to this church seems to have done my head in, and peace is the last thing I feel
It could be that I am very challenged by being close to Christians again (for very good reason). But the last time the 'dynamic duo' prayed for me, I experienced a lot of emotional pain for the rest of the day (doubled up) - it wasn't wholesome pain iyswim AT ALL. I felt wounded by these women somehow. They act like I'm a wierdo and odd - even dangerous?(omg, that sounds SO paranoid doesn't it? [BLUSH]). They are suspicious of me (threatened?) - which isn't doing my confidence a whole lot of good!
Recently someone in the fellowship committed suicide () but the truth about how she died is not being told - the official version is that she died of liver failure (which is true if you've taken an overdose!). Someone told me the truth, and I carefully mentioned it to one of the leaders, who refused to talk about it at all, and seemed very hostile. I am alarmed by this. But maybe it is the wish of the husband and children that the truth of how she died is not broadcast?
I'm not telling you the good bits (sorry) but I suppose my concerns are alarming me tbh. I don't feel I can approach the 'dynamic duo', expressing how, say, I felt after they prayed for me; asking them about the soup run thing (how wierd was that?). The leader said she said it 'to protect me'. Hey, I'm not a hospital patient. I ended up doing the soup run (bcs the leader that night said 'this is ridiculous - of course you can come!').
I think I need to talk to them, but I dread it. When I talk to them it's as if I'm talking to a brick wall - a wall of prejudice or something like that...
I realise I'm blurting this all out - sorry. It's just causing me such a lot of anxiety. Any suggestions? Does anything come through in what I've written?
Please don't judge me - I am trying to get this right. I'm not pointing my finger at any of these people - we're all trying to get through the best we can. All I'm saying is that these people are hurting me, I find them really painful.

Speaking as a fellow Christian my advice would be to try some other churches out until you find one you feel comfortable at - the one you're currently at doesn't sound like the sort of church I would stick around at.

Could you find another church? It doesn't sound like you need this sort of stff right now.

I've just started attending church again and was surprised at how long it took me to find somewhere that suited me.

matilda, like fannieannie, I'd try a few different churches too.

I don't think it's good to have unrealistic expectations of churches, after all a church is a group of people, none of whom are perfect. On the other hand, there are sadly a lot of churches which are not Biblical, there are also church leaders who use their position unwisely.

The fact that the church seems to be covering things up, and won't let you take part in activities without giving you a good reason concerns me. The New Testament church did 'everything in common' and Paul warned against deceit and lack of spiritual integrity.

Maybe you should make a list of the characteristics of a church where you would feel comfortable, look at what the Bible says about church, and pray that Gos would help you find a spiritual home.

If you post on the 'Bible bashers' prayer thread with a rough guide to where you live someone may be able to suggest a church.

If you don't mind, I'll be praying that you find a church that can help you rediscover Jesus and grow as a Christian.

Isn't there something 'wrong' with all of them though? Or are my standards too low LOL. I tend to think that I have issues with Christians/Christianity and that the problems may have a lot to do with that? I've found Christians to be some of the most hurtful and nasty people on the planet (I'm very sorry to say ) and it's hard to trust them. Though I do feel I went there resolved to 'trust', or give them a go.

FannyAnnie, do you have any other observations eg about God - how I can get to know God better? Can you say why you wouldn't want to be involved with people like this?

Yes, there is something 'wrong' with all churches matilda! Like I said, they're full of imperfect humans.

You said you wanted suggestions about getting to know God better. Do you read the Bible at all? I'd try getting some Bible reading notes with a short passage to read, some brief thoughts/comments on the passage, and some help to pray in response to the passage.

Praying is also great (why don't I do it more?!?) I find that when I have the discipline to journal - writing my thoughts and prayers to God down, I'm much more focused, and more aware of God speaking to me through the Bible, other people, teaching in church, prayer etc.

as percy says there's no 'perfect' church but it's still possible to find somewhere that you feel comfortable and where you feel welcome - if you find a church like that you're more likely to be able to find groups within the church (housegroups, etc) where you can find help within a smaller 'circle' of people to become closer to God.

Where abouts are you in the country???

"Can you say why you wouldn't want to be involved with people like this?"

Yes - because they should (particularly those who are supposed to be 'leading the flock' so to speak) at the very least be taking you up on your offers to help with the Soup Kitchen etc and not trying to put you off.

Hi Matilda,
I am a christian too and one of the 'bible bashers' [simle] from the prayer thread.
The first thing I want to say is well done for being strong enough to go back to church after christians have caused you so much pain. That takes a lot of guts!

THe church you have joined sounds like it's got a lot going for it, but it sounds as if the two people who have prayed for you might not be the best people for you to open up to and have the wounds of your past healed (that's just IMHO).

One thing you could try (if you like the church as a whole and want to stay there) is to see if there are any home groups or similiar things where you get to know a small group of people and hopefully build close friendships with them - maybe in that sort of trusting friendly context it'd be easier for you to receive prayer. You don't have to get the pastor's wife or anyone 'qualified' in any way to pray for you, just whoever you feel you can relax with, be honest with and trust.

As the others have said, there are lots of very good churches out there so if this one really isn't for you, don't worry - there will be one, it just might take a bit of looking around to find it!

As to how do you get to know God...well one of the ways I connect with God is to go for walks and pour out my heart to him - just tumble out whatever's in my heart and head, giving it all to him unedited. That is hugely healing and cleansing for me.

I'm also quite a musical person and music is one of the ways that God touches me - so I sing a lot! And listen to christian music, esp. in the car - I drive along singing to Jesus at the top of my voice!

The bible is really important and when I read it I'm always struck by how amazing it is - so often I'll find words that sound as if they are just right for me, that make sense of what is going on in my life and giving me the wisdom that I need to get through.

I also really believe in authentic christian community and have some fab christian friends who I can phone or go and see at the drop of a hat and say "Help! I need you to pray for me!" - most of these are people I've been in home groups with; that's why I rate home groups so highly.

I could talk about this all day - knowing Jesus is the big passion of my life.

Hi Matilda

absolutely agree with Rosey about homegroups, needing to be with a close group of people you can trust and open up to, and be trusted by too. I have learnt a lot from my close christian friends over the years.

As for getting closer to God, yes reading the Bible and praying helps - why am I so crap at it? I have found CBSI (community Bible Study International) really good - do ecumenical bible studies all round the world - you get a passage and qs eac h week to do at home, adn then discuss the qs in the group next week, then have a talk on the same . I like having the different perspectives of the different traditions within the group, but it is evangelical teaching too.

Come on over to the Bible Bashers thread if you want some friendly support

Hi Matilda

I too was going to suggest Bible reading notes and a housegroup/homegroup as good starting points too.

You don't say whereabouts in the country you are, but if you are ever in Gloucestershire, there is a wonderful Christian community offering prayer support for people at Harnhill. (You can google it.) It's in a beautiful country setting and a great place for a day retreat or weekend away. It might help to pray with people who are not in your local church, whilst you are settling whether to stay there or not. It's very gentle and very Jesus centered. Others might be able to sugggest similar places to you, if it is too far. (Worth Abbey in Surrey looks lovely too, and does teaching and prayer days.)

Hi Matilda - just to add my four penn'orth!

I think you should definitly try a different church.

We sing a great hymn at my church which has the chorus of "All are welcome, all are welcome, all are welcome in this place..." - it asounds to me like your church couldn't sing that very sincerely.

I also have to say that I have only ever felt supported in my church community and have some fantastic friends that would do anything for me.

At the end of the day, we should all be trying to do the same thing - worship Gpd and be a community and if that's not happening for you (and it sounds like that's what you would like) then I would look elsewhere.

Thank you guys
I am typing quickly bcs the potatoes are on for tea...
I think these people are welcoming... but they seem a bit caught up in themselves tbh. I have visited very many churches in my 'search'. The one where I went for a cuppa afterwards and stood there for half an hour and nobody spoke to me bcs they were so busy gushing over their friends (oh HI! how are YOU!')? Well, I didn't go back - I think they have lost something there!
~When I went to the church I'm going to now, a woman spoke to me so naturally as we were queuing for tea. She was friendly and natural - I felt immediately at home. They lay out breakfast on Sundays and I'd forgotten to have some before I left. I had also prayed - not heavy, just 'where do I go?' bcs I had visited so many. I found myself driving the wrong way, and there it was, and I definitely felt a 'pull'. I knew about this fellowship but I had avoided it. I was nervous about going. I was nervous bcs I knew the pastors from years ago - they were parents at my kids' school. I knew when they started the church, and I kept completely quiet about my past. I had been in a charismatic, evangelical fellowship. Things go wrong - eg the woman who killed herself - and it went badly wrong for me. I didn't think many people understood how massive the attacks on people can be. This fellowship does seem to understand though. The pastor's sister died and the pastor had a breakdown. So it's quite 'real' there. This is what I needed.
Years ago I had asked the pastor's wife (actually, she is also the pastor iyswim - they are both pastors) to pray with me. I found her very difficult to work with tbh and I felt desolate after I had been with her. I couldn't at all describe why she made me feel so wretched. I certainly felt patronised.. there is also something in her that is cold somehow - SO painful to be around her when you're hurting. Can't explain it. I stopped seeing her and didn't explain why. I should have, but I couldn't.

There were two women in the church who welcomed me very warmly - the 'tea' woman, and another woman. Then after a few weeks, when I greeted these women, they both looked at me stonily. It was a shock. Then I discovered that both these women are close to the pastor's wife. It is the 'tea' woman who made this very strange comment about the soup run.

So guys, how do I NOT feel paranoid then? It is this same pastor and the 'tea' woman who materialise out of nowhere when I go for prayer - and tbh I don't want to pray with this woman (the pastor): there is something about her that makes me feel absolutely terrible. I need to talk to them to ask what on earth is going on, but I feel so afraid to do so. The way I feel is that they act like I've got leprosy or something. Some of the things they said when they were praying for me were so... prejudiced somehow, patronising (awesomely so - like I'm some kind of retard or something). I wonder if it's bcs I have suffered a lot, and also arrived in a bit of a state, that they are prejudiced against this type of thing? ONe of the most awesomely painful things is to be suffering, to expose your hurt, and to be treated like you're a delinquent, subnormal, somehow 'weak'. I truly feel I have come under quite awesome attack, and am anything BUT weak.

I think I need to write some kind of diary to organise the chaos that is going on. Eg the prayer, study diary idea. Otherwise it all goes round and round in my head. I need to be organised as I'm a naturally organised person and certainly get some peace from being organised - I'm a virgo (LOL thought that would make you jump LOL)(aren't I cruel LOL).

Where is the Bible bashing thread? My thread should be on there shouldn't it? I know I@ve gone on and on (please forgive!) but I have been SO anxious about this!

What has been going through my head today is 'All things work together for the good' etc. That has been such a comfort ie no matter what gets slung at you, God can use it.

I can't believe these scriptures, that I knew so well in my 'previous life' as a Christian, can be being presented to me in such a fresh way

matilda - here is the bible bashers thread - it's "mainly" a prayer thread for requests (for yourself or others that you know) but there's lots of chat on there too.

Come and join us

Aw Matilda. I know exactly where you are coming from with the paranoia - it's something that has been affecting me too recently - and I am not suggesting that you aren't right to feel insecure. It is soo difficult when people aren't just up front about what they are thinking/feeling, and very confusing too, IME.

So glad to hear that you are getting so much out of scripture again and that Jesus is soo real for you. Your joy at growing in your faith really shines through your posts.

It would be lovely to see you on the Christian prayer thread.

any feedback after my great tome? It may look obvious to yous, but it isn't at all obvious to me!

Leaving this fellowship would be a big challenge. Though I suppose the bottom line is that I don't feel welcome. People have been friendly and kind etc, but it doesn't feel like the PTB want me there... somehow... or involved? I feel kept at arm's length. I asked to be part of a housegroup right at the start, and had to ask again, as nothing came of it. Could have been coincidence, busy etc, but I was surprised how long it took. The housegroups are all meeting en masse for a couple of months to work on some new teaching, so the 'cosiness' of the housegroup is gone for now - and I miss that (a lot). I need it.

There are some fantastic things about this church - not least an absolute commitment to Jesus right at the centre of everything. The main thread there is 'repentance and forgiveness' which is absolutely sound. It is funky (as I said) and also very musical - a high proportion of musicians there (I am one too).

Sometimes I wonder if it's a bit like choosing a boyfriend LOL. Everything might look right on paper, but if it just isn't 'happening' then you're not right for eachother.

I'm suffering a great deal with anxiety about all this and have spent the morning in tears. I would appreciate any feedback on this. I am loathe to confront anybody tbh - I just can't see that that would be productive. eg if I had to say to a new boyfriend 'the way you just ARE is painful for me' then, well, there wouldn't be a future.

thank you notquite! X

ps I am not too far from Harnhill btw . I'm in Bristol.

matilda, I'm a very woolly high-church Anglican so this is maybe clouding the way I feel about your church as you describe it, but tbh it really doesn't sound like it is doing you any good there or will do you any good in the future.

Keep looking around. The most unassuming-seeming church communities can be the most (quietly) spportive and fantastic.

You're welcome, Hon. It does sound as if there is a lot going on in this fellowship which is great but as if you need some extra spiritual support which they might not be able to provide too. I have found belonging to the prayer thread here a great 'supplement' to church life, as I can bring prayer requests and get support here, which I might not feel appropriate to bring to my housegroup/home church, which is a very very busy place!

I think that it is really important to belong to a church group, but it is also possible to 'pick'n' mix' a little too. Perhaps you could try out your local churches to see if any offer housegroups/alpha courses/other small groups. I think that it's possible to worship in one church, but to have fellowship with other christians in, say, a more local church too. Or try to find a retreat center, as I mentioned, where you could get concentrated prayer help, meaning that you are not relying on people who are not so well equipped to meet your needs.

HTH. Praying for you to find a peaceful place in which to grow.

Oooh good, re Harnhill. It's been a while since I went, but it was a lovely gentle haven when I last visited - real "green pastures beside still waters"

Actually there have been a couple of peroids in my life when I have gone to two churches for contrast and interest! There's nothing wrong with that at all.

(So if you want to keep going to your church but feel you need something more pastoral as well, it might be that different churches meet your different needs. And it might be that over time, one of them ends up becoming your 'home church' / 'extended family').

Foe the moment, it's wonderful how God is speaking to you from the words of the Bible - IMO yes, church is v. important for growing in faith, but (sorry, I know this is going to sound clumsy) going to church isn't in and of itself the same as knowing Jesus. So enjoy reading the Bible, enjoy talking to him, enjoy the wonderful truth that He loves you and accepts you just as you are, that He laid down His life for you. And if you really honestly don't know those things, ask Him to reveal himself to you, to flood you heart with his love. There's a verse that says "Whoever comes to me, I will by no means turn away..."

HTH. Sorry to be preachy

I keep trying to post on this thread, but somehow I can't get the words out! Try again...

Amazing day at church this week (midweek servicey thing). Absolutely amazing. Something's broken that's for sure (or broken through should I say). THANK YOU for your prayers

People told stories that really resonated with me - every one of them had something in it that I related to on a deep level. Somebody told a story of how she had been severely depressed and became agorophobic. (btw she is, and was, a christian - and tbh I can relate to people who have had experiences like this ie Christians who have had a rough time. It's the ones who seem to - or say they do - sail through that baffle me... and piss me off if I'm honest LOL). This woman was completely housebound for 18 months. Long story short, she got some healing, and within a short time she was invited to Africa to do some voluntary work - and went! She said that during the first month in Africa she cried and cried, and just wanted to be home. She realised that even though she had been in a prison at home, that was what she knew, and she longed to be back in her 'comfort zone' [my words] (even though it was pants). When she realised that, she was able to let go and get into it.

This resonated with me: I think a lot of the reason I have been feeling REALLY challenged is bcs I'm W-A-Y out of my comfort zone here - in fact I'm seriously in territory that in the past has caused me enormous damage. NOt all of it, but part of it (my christian husband, and a very dodgy church for a while). I'm absolutely terrified if I'm honest. I honestly thought I'd NEVER be back. I even said to my kids 'you can be gay, a tory, whatever - but the one thing that would break my heart is if you became a born-again christian. and if you smoke.'

The other thing I realised is that I absolutely can't stand it - feel totally crushed - if I am being patronised (or feel I am?). There's got to be a history to that, otherwise why would I be 'bent double' (for a day!) when I felt I was being patronised?

The pastor's wife was absolutely lovely and specifically sought me out to say - sincerely - she is glad I am back in their lives, and that I'm lovely. Then she stroked my cheek! My head thought 'what a lovely, tender thing to do'; my heart felt CRUSHED. Because I felt patronised!

The whole theme this week was the Prodigal Son. Had a good weep - the Father RAN to meet his wayword son, the one who came back...

i hope you dont mind me saying, i think there are two things going on here.

firstly and what comes accross most profoundly is that you are trying to get to god through a church community i think from your posts they are getting in the way.

I understand some people need a community in faith but i wanted to point out that its not necesseraly a path to god.

i don't do the community thing at church, i find most people hypocritical and therefore i dont like thinking bad things of people esp in church, so i avoid the blue rinse brigade who pray diligantly every day and then say something about "those blacks" or whatever... so i stear clear.

i practice my FAITH through my church. i dont like the church partiularly and we have an old irish priest who mumbles and rocks back and forth from the ball of his foot to the heel and rises to his tip toes when he says JEEEEEEESUS. this makes me want to laugh rather than pray.

I think most christians are familier with the term holy spirit. i've felt it - it is unexplainable. i've totally been in grace for small amounts of time in church. but this hasn't ha[[ened for many years. i am thinking of shopping at another church - although i hate the idea, but so as i can use the building and the mass as a conduit to small periods of grace.

i think i didn't help but rather self indulged there. forgive me

Of course I do custardo! LOL. Yes I had thought that about relying more on PEOPLE than God (if you like). I guess that's what got me into trouble before, particularly with my husband (though he did rather demand to be worshipped and obeyed - it got in the end that when I was praying I got Jesus and his name mixed up.. ). The thing is that God hardly has a chat does he? I so wish he would, but that isn't what happens - not at the moment for me anyway, but I am quite new to all this in one way. There is still a part of me that doesn't believe, that wonders if this is all auto-suggestion. Then I think that it does people good anyway to believe in a higher power - it's dead healthy for the psyche etc.
The other thing is that I really do like/love people. I see God in people (made in his image?) and am amazed and enthralled at how different (and delightful) people are... or can be. I suppose I am hungry for what is at the core of people - how God made them to be - and when you meet that it is a wonderful thing and so life-enhancing. It is true fellowship. I honestly think you're meeting God if you like (I feel a bit silly saying this). I of all people have met something in people that has nothing at all to do with God, or with them as people - their best selves, what God intended them to be - and been incredibly damaged by it, so I can't afford to be naive. Maybe bcs of my experiences (or maybe this is how God meant me to be) I have a strong inclincation towards healing - it's what makes me tick, how I function as a person, and in my faith - that people are released to be what they are meant to be (literally set free). I also think that God (as well as the other side!) works through people in a big way.