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Philosophy/religion

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Original poster

Losing faith after being baptised

14 replies

jugglingsatsumas · 01/05/2018 08:39

Hi. I just wondered if anyone has been in this position. I grew up in an atheist family but went to church on my own and always wanted to be baptised but waited until I was an adult as I didn't feel my parents would approve. I was eventually baptised and confirmed as an adult, after my children were born. However, that pretty much led to the end for me as regards belief and church going. I continued going to church for a while but then stopped as I just feel that it is hypocritical now. I have come full circle and feel I have much more in common with my atheist parents and siblings. So what you might say! It is causing problems though as DH is religious and we agreed that we would raise our children this way but I just can't do that now and he is upset that I have gone back on my word. Also, in some ways I wish I could still believe. But I just don't. Any words of advice? Thanks.

OP posts:

systemlakeland · 01/05/2018 08:43

What were your feelings at baptism? Did you feel under pressure from your DH to do that? If you did it of your own volition, what do you think changed afterwards?

If you don't believe, you don't believe. Although many (even saints, including Mother Teresa) when through doubting times.

Might be worth scheduling an interview with your minister/priest?

But you don't have to force anything if you don't want to.

Are you okay about the children being raised in the church? I guess you and your DH need to be on the same page about that at least for familial harmony.

systemlakeland · 01/05/2018 08:43

went*

YimminiYoudar · 01/05/2018 08:57

Faith can be a little like marriage. At the beginning people can feel borne up by their conversion experience - whether that was something sudden and dramatic or more slow-burning and quiet. After a few years that can fade and life settles into a routine, and it's not unusual to look around and wonder what you might be missing out on. Some people stick through the rough patches and low points and others don't.

Neither you nor your DH get to decide what your chidren actually believe by the time they are grown up. They will make up their own minds. You agreed that they should be brought up within the faith and you can stick to that whilst also making sure that they get that while this is one way of perceiving God, many other traditions both within Christianity and in other religions also exist and should be respected as no one really knows the truth - the whole point of faith is picking a position despite the truth being unknowable - even atheism is a faith.

WiseOldElfIsNick · 01/05/2018 09:47

What do you really mean when you say you want to bring your children up 'this way'? I think that's an important question to answer first. Do you just want to encourage them to be good people? Because that doesn't require religion. Or do you want to bring them up following religious ritual, going to church, saying prayers? In which case, what's the ultimate purpose that you and your DH are trying to achieve?

Jason118 · 01/05/2018 20:46

Atheism is not a faith, it's the exact opposite. Stating that children make up their own minds is also not completely true - it will depend mostly on what level of indoctrination they have been exposed to, typically by their parents beliefs, but also other influencers in their early lives.

Jason118 · 01/05/2018 20:47

And I still don't get why religions should be respected, just because they exist.

WiseOldElfIsNick · 01/05/2018 22:05

Atheism is a single position on a single point. Literally the lack of belief in a god or gods, nothing else. It's not a faith, it's not a world view, nothing ties atheists together other than that single non-belief.

On the point of respect, whilst everyone absolutely has the right to believe in whatever they want, I do not have to respect those views. You're right in that no one knows the truth. Personally I find it much more honest to say that I don't know rather than to subscribe to a set of scriptures which claim to tell you all the answers which they cannot possibly do.

YimminiYoudar · 01/05/2018 22:43

Agnosticism is acknowledging that it is impossible to know. Atheism is the active belief that there is no God - that is a faith position (obviously without a connected religious structure) as you can no more prove the non-existence of God than you can prove the existence of God.

MyTeapot · 04/05/2018 07:19

I just really want to know if you regularly juggle satsumas not helpful at all sorry

MyTeapot · 04/05/2018 07:23

Is it not okay to say to DH and DC exactly what you've written here? I mean just be completely honest, that you started off without a belief then got one and now don't feel the same.

Original poster

jugglingsatsumas · 04/05/2018 08:15

Thanks for your thoughts. I will try and clarify a little.

What do you really mean when you say you want to bring your children up 'this way'?

Well, now it is DH who wants to bring them up in the church, rather than me. I don't mind if they never go to church! He wants them to feel at home in the church so that even if they decide never to go as adults, it doesn't seem alien to them. I can see his point as I always felt like a fish out of water when I went to church. Also, we live in a catholic country where almost everyone is confirmed in the church and NOT being confirmed (so not being able to participate in mass) would mean that they would not be able to participate in certain afterschool activities fully for example.

I guess the real problem lies in that I am no longer backing up what school and the church teaches them and this annoys DH. For example, if they ask whether we go to heaven after we die, I would say "nobody knows exactly what happens but some people believe we do, others think we just die and that is the end". If pushed, I would admit that I believe the latter! DH thinks that this is not appropriate and is just upsetting.

(Yes, I do juggle satumas when in season - although clementines are easier to get hold of these days. )

OP posts:

WiseOldElfIsNick · 04/05/2018 09:20

Firstly, to clear up. Atheism is not an active belief that there is no god. It's the rejection of the assertion that there is a god due to insufficient evidence. This is a very important distinction.

On the subject of an afterlife, teaching someone that when they die, they just go on to somewhere else, whilst comforting, is not very practical. The honest answer is, we don't know. And that's ok to say.

But there can be consequences to believing in an afterlife. That could lead to a person not valuing the life which they know that they have and acting irrationally to please a god they don't know for sure exists to ensure they go to place they know they'll be going to. And what if there is a god but it's not the Christian god and you go your whole life following the wrong scripture?

headinhands · 05/05/2018 12:52

I don't mind if they never go to church! He wants them to feel at home in the church so that even if they decide never to go as adults, it doesn't seem alien to them.

With this reasoning I trust he is regularly visiting mosques, synagogues and temples etc?

Embracethechaos · 09/05/2018 12:11

Hi juggling, I've only read your first and most recent comments. Being brought up going to church I loved it but my Christian parents gave simular vague awnsers to religious questions, like you. They wanted us to make up our own mind. I don't think it's confusing or upsetting to be taught to make up your own mind. In fact, my grandad was a (non Catholic) vicor and he was more into philosophical discussions than I'm right your wrong. I was too young to have proper discussion but he quoted Greek philosophy to me when I was upset. I actually could pinpoint now when I lost my faith as a teenager during a Christian camp when people had strong opinions on what you had to believe to be a Christian... I'm currently agnostic and go to church sometimes. Depends how old your children are but maybe you could say something like we will talk about it when you are older... Or you and your husband need to decide exactly what to say, eg mummy believes... Daddy believes.... I wouldn't want to lie to my children about heaven and hell. To me it seems like a fair comprise for your husband to take them to church and you to explain that you have different beliefs. Lots of my church friends only had one Christian parent, living in an agnostic/atheist area. Jesus didn't just accept religion as it was and questioned the religious leaders, so maybe talk to your husband about that.... Had Christian friends from a Catholic school who were anti Catholic... Specifically didn't like praying to saints...

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