Dealing with anger

[JellySlice]

How do I let go? The source and whether it's justified are both irrelevant, I think. For my own well-being I need to let it go. But how?

This isn't about religion, but perhaps about applying a philosophy of life?

I don't know.

Have you tried mindfulness? It is the practice of meditation that you find in both Buddhism and Christianity but with the faith element stripped out. It might help to practice being in the moment rather than thinking about what makes you angry.

I was at an event run by the forgiveness project and one of the things they were talking about was that it can be OK to be angry. The project is for people of faith and no faith so depending on what is causing the anger that might be something to look at.

I have something huge I need to let go of too. Forgiveness is the answer. This is easier said than done however...

Anger is a natural human response, a protective mechanism. There’s no shame in getting angry from time to time. It’s the fuel to fire up the engine of change when an injustice has been perpetrated.

Problems arise when anger lingers - usually when it cannot be openly expressed, or, if expressed, others question the validity of the anger.

If someone you love and trust hurts you, the pain is felt more keenly, so I would say, particularly in this case, cut your self some slack if you are having difficulties letting the anger go. But, whatever the situation in which the anger arose, don't chastise yourself too much for feeling as you do.

Sometimes other people can seek to play down the importance of the situation causing your anger, hoping that will help you. (It usually has the opposite effect!)

I think it’s important to have your feelings of anger validated, ideally by the instigator of the provoking situation, and if that’s not possible, by someone else who can really hear you and allow you to express the hurt you feel.

Letting go when you or others are trying to delegitimise the anger is almost impossible.

I am cynical about forgiveness.

I went through a bad experience that left me angry.
It was important to allow myself to be angry, to realise that this was normal and valid and justified.
With that acknowledgement and acceptance I was able to use that energy in a more constructive way, to grow and become stronger, to use the power to enhance my situation.

Forgiveness has not been necessary for me.

Of course little things that our loved ones do I forgive easily. But something big and life changing doesn't need me to forgive.

Forgiveness is IMHO bad advice. You have to understand what made someone treat you badly and then your anger may disappear.

Also to be in a good place emotionally for anger to go a lot of things have to be right in your life, job security, health etc. Unless of course you moved on emotionally (but you haven't) and are not thinking about issues which caused your pain.

I speak from experience that anger has gone from my life. What helped me was to try to think of the issue which caused me getting angry and trying to imagine if this time next year I would remember this event.

I think this whole forgiveness thing is over rated.
It's really not for everyone, this idea that you need to forgive or you will be broken forever. We are all different. Sometimes holding on to a little bit of anger can give us strength and courage. Anger can be a useful emotion. I have read many threads here about someone losing a partner or finding out they were having an affair. A woman broken, can't eat, can't sleep, can't function- well get mad, get angry. Anger can be your friend sometimes. Some wise words here:
*There is this really dangerous idea which I have been seeing in regards to healing, and to be honest I have been seeing it since time immemorial. Almost everyone who cares about me has said it at some point to me and in general, it makes me extremely uncomfortable. The idea is this: “You must forgive your those who hurt you in order to heal”. This is all over social media and it gives off the idea that so you can begin your healing journey, you must forgive the person who abused you and that is the only way you will start your healing journey.

This is a lie.

In a previous article this month, I discussed how healing is a nuanced thing and no two people heal alike. Today I want to discuss how forced forgiveness, a concept fed to us by the media, by society, is suggested as the only “correct” way to heal or else you will remain broken forever.

Let me clear on this from one survivor to another, from one victim to another: You do not have to forgive anyone except yourself to start your healing journey. The person who hurt you, who abused you does not deserve your forgiveness, you deserve your own forgiveness. The first step to loving yourself is recognising your own flaws and learning to forgive yourself for them and live with them.

The second step to loving yourself is making a concious decision about your healing process and what you want it to be. If this means you do not want to forgive your abuser, then do not forgive them. This notion of forced forgiveness is extremely harmful to a survivor’s health.

I have said this before and I will say it again. People heal in a completely unique way, the way they process their days in a completely unique way. We cannot force them to heal the way we want them to.

Some people heal better through staying angry at their attackers and gaining justice. Some people heal better through forgiving their own selves. Some people heal through getting revenge on their attackers in some way, and although we might not agree with it, we do not get a right to say how someone ELSE’s healing journey takes place and how they choose to go about it.

So remember the next time you see the sugary sweet sign “You can only heal through forgiving the people who hurt you.” that this is a very short sighted approach to a very broad journey that is different to everyone.

Your recovery and healing journey is entirely YOUR call. You do not owe anyone your forgiveness in order to heal other than yourself.

Nikita Gill

Nikita is the author of Your Soul Is A River, a book about healing and becoming whole again.

The replies about not forgiving are really interesting and refreshing. I'm going to purchase that book. Thanks. (Sorry to hijack post, just been grappling this for years)

I think there's the potential for good and bad in everyone, I'm talking the truly horrific too under the right set of circumstances . Until this is truly excepted then the forgiveness won't come.

*accepted

I share other posters' cynicism about forgiveness. There is enormous pressure to 'forgive', 'move on', 'let it go' etc. None of things can be forced, or chosen. There is no switch you can click to just make yourself forgive. If forgiveness does happen, it has to happen naturally as a part of processing your feelings and coming to an understanding of what happened.

Psychotherapy was absolutely the way forward for me. I learned that anger is ok, healthy and normal, and that I am allowed to feel it. I was able to start forgiving myself, and after that, to start to move towards some kind of acceptance of what others did. It was an intensely painful process and involved a huge amount of grieving, and is ongoing even though I stopped therapy sessions 2 years ago. It wa by far the best thing I have ever done for myself and I recommend it very highly