Termination

[Coledash]

I would like some religious views on my situation as really don’t feel I can talk to my priest or anyone in RL.

I’ve just found out I’m pregnant. I already have 4 children and really don’t think I can cope with a fifth.

My partner is Christian and I’m Catholic. He is very against me getting a termination and says it’s not fair for me to snuff out a life. He says he couldn’t stay with me if I did have a termination.

I agree with him on some points but feel desperately depressed at the thought of another child. I’m in my late 30’s, have a 1 year old and we aren’t particularly well off.

Is it always a grave moral wrong to take the life of an unborn child?

No .
It would be more morally wrong imo to have another child if you don't think you would be able to cope with it - in the end it'd be the children that suffer .
It's your body OP and it's your choice , not your husbands . Good luck , whatever you decide

You must be exhausted. How old are your other children? Can you afford (money, time, health) another child? What are the practical implications of another child?

It is your choice and make it for good reasons not pressure.

What Gymball said. What's your h doing about contraception? Is he using condoms, gone to get the snip?

My youngest is one, eldest is 12. My relationship with my partner isn’t actually that great which is one of my main concerns. I am pro choice and wouldn’t judge someone for their decision but also believe that abortion is essentially ending a life. I don’t know if I could end the life of my own unborn child.

I’ll put my cards on the table here - my mum was nagged by her mum to terminate me in similar circumstances (mum had also been warned that another pregnancy would be risky to her health), so I’m a bit biased on his subject I guess. I wasn’t my decision (or my grandmothers thank goodness).

Well, then it looks like you'll soon be a mother of five.

Do you think your relationship will survive either way? Have you other family to support you?

Your DH is the one who is morally wrong here.

Emotionally blackmailing a woman to have a child that she doesn't want is morally wrong.

Deciding to terminate an unwanted pregnancy for whatever reason is not wrong in any way shape or form.

Well, all of us can only respond according to our own moral codes. I don't see an early stage pregnancy as a life. It's something that has the potential to become a life, for sure, given time, and a LOT of support from a woman's body. But a lot of fertilised eggs never implant or are shed, probably more of them than DO implant and grow, and we don't view those as "lives" even though they are the same thing and had the same potential.

I think that ethically, you do need to weigh it up against the rights and wrongs of bringing a child into a situation where you feel overwhelmed, unequipped to cope and give it the parenting it needs, and where the relationship between its parents is shaky. Only you can decide what to do and what you can cope with, but now that this situation exists, it's about the least worst outcome for everyone, including you.

All the best.

I had an abortion when I was a teenager and it went wrong, I nearly died.

I got pregnant again in my early 20’s. I was at college, working and renting a room from my mother. I was also in a long term relationship. my mother said if I didn’t have an abortion she would chuck me out the house. I didn’t have one and she did chuck me out.

Fekko, what kind of relationship did you have with your grandmother after you found that out?

My grandmother was a tad on the ‘eccentric’ side shall we say?

She was just scared for mum I guess, and I knew from a young age (you probably know that you can’t keep secrets in a large household) so it wasn’t really an issue until I got older and really thought about it (and she had dementia by then).

I think mum told her to piss off anyway. My grandfather certainly did!

It's your body and your choice. If your "D"H doesn't actually respect your health and wellbeing enough to agree with that then you don't really have a relationship anyway. Maybe he couldn't stay with you if you had a termination. Could you really stay with him given he thinks so little of you?

When I was young and idealistic I thought I would never have an abortion. Now I know how much damage a pregnancy can do and how much pain can be brought into the world when a child is born where the parents can't cope - I think it is often the lesser wrong even so.

From a religious point of view I no longer think that an unborn baby has personhood/a soul from conception. That's a view that has changed as I got a better understanding of how the brain and body develop during pregnancy as well as statistics on how many fertilisation events do not result in a baby with no intervention at all.

You have two separate decisions. The first is whethee your marriage alive or dead, given your dh's opinion of you. If it were me, I would conclude that the marriage was dead and therefore the question of whether I could cope with a 5th child as a single mother becomes a no-brainer.

Whatever you decide, do not consent to sex again with anyone unless conception is as close to impossible as cam be achieved through modern science.

You are in a tough situation, sorry! I'm a Christian, however I think it is more complex than what is right and wrong. We live in a fallen world.

The key thing for me is your relationship with DP. He needs to be more prepared to listen and empathise with you. You sound as though you don't want to terminate, but you would be overwhelmed by going through another pregnancy and having another little one. Can you look at ways to get help? Is he doing everything he should to support you?
That said, you don't sound as if you want to be tied to him any more than you already are.

Ultimately it is your body and your choice- I'd get professional counselling for both of you, individually and together.

What are his practical suggestions as to how the two of you cope with five kids?

There is nothing that cannot be forgiven. God knows what you will do before you do it. He loves you.
Definitely go for professional counselling. This is a decision that will affect you forever. Only you can make it, we cannot advise you what to do. A professional can help you work out what you really want.
Pray to God and tell him how you feel. I really feel for you, it must be tearing you up inside. Remember God is on your side. He is with you in this.

I do not believe that the most compassionate and the most loving route is always the easiest one. WWJD indeed. I do not know. But I do know he wouldn’t pressure someone to terminate who didn’t want to (someone’s Gran) or pour scorn on a frightened and confused pregnant woman (OP.)

Ultimately your considerations are your other children, your marriage, your own feelings about this. I believe termination is sometimes the kindest thing to do but really I do believe Jesús is about kindness and love and judgement and finger pointing has no place where he is.