I hope this I see the right thread to post on. I have posted a few times on the Daily Gratitudes thread.
As briefly as possible, I'm trying to make my way back to a relationship with Jesus. I grew up RC, but it was just something we did, my parents didn't actually believe. When I was 21 I joined a religion that prosetlises door to door. At that time they heavily sold themselves as a family church, the one true way to have an eternal family.
With hindsight, many, many years later, I can see that this is what I longed for. I was adopted and my mum ( adoptive) had regretted it almost from day one and had no compunction in telling me so. I never felt, or was, loved by her. Dad did love me, I was close to him. I never felt like I belonged anywhere and that I was faulty or wrong in some way because of the unkindness of mum.
So I was a perfect target for this cult like religion. I was a member for nearly 30 years. My first marriage, made before I joined, was to a deeply troubled man with extremely serious, dangerous issues, which of course I didn't clearly see being so young and damaged myself.. We had several children who were raised in this church.
I got a lot from my prayer life and studied the bible daily, getting a lot from that. There were some good people in the church. Pre-internet days it was able to keep hidden a lot of its history and discarded practises so I had no idea it was built on such dreadful foundations.
FF 16 years, I divorced husband 1, a very dangerous time, after discovering some terrible things. He had always treated me abusively but I expected that. Very unfortunately, a year later I married another member of the church. Charming, romantic, he swept me off my feet, a dream come true, I thought.
Life swiftly became a living hell for me. Violent, hugely controlling in every way, he battered me into a shadow of myself. He raped me before the wedding then blamed me as did the church. I was devastated, I had begged him to stop, but he hadn't. Chastity was very important to the church, I was told I'd committed the sin next to murder, I had to marry,and I felt cut off from God, which allowed my husband to increase his control.
It took years for me to regain my relationship with God, but I did it. That was me, ( feeling cut off from God because of my guilt. I now think God certainly didn't turn his back on me) influenced by my husband's non-stop abuse and the church supporting him. I sought help from my church ecclesiastical leader, but although horrified by what I was going through, he held to his church position that I must submit to my husband and divorce wasn't an option.
Another 15 years later, helped by my secret research on the internet and much deep thinking, I realised the church was not of God, but a sham. Within a year we had both left, and about five years later my husband had another affair and left. Thank goodness.
I had lost all faith in God. Many of my choices had been made in the light of this church's teachings, particularly marrying and staying with my husband. I didn't trust myself and my own judgement.
Some years later I am trying to rekindle my relationship with God and Jesus. I dont look for a religion, fingers well and truly burnt. I had an extraordinary experience many years ago, of the love of Christ, so I hold onto that. I am trying to pray and read the words of Jesus. My previous church was very prescriptive, this is how you pray, what language you use etc. I'm really fumbling along here, feeling I know absolutely nothing at all except this experienceś years ago.
That's all I have really, in my spiritual life, an amazing, undeniable experience and a tiny bit of hope.
Sorry this is so long. Prayers and thoughts gratefully received.