Friend has asked us to be godparents but we aren't religious

[karategirl]

The short version is in the subject of this post. The long version is...

One of my closest friends and I went to school together - we've known each other for about 20 years. She has a 7 year old who I love like a niece, and had a second daughter earlier this year who I also adore. We live around an hour and a half away, so due to work we don't see each other very often, but I try and always catch up with them when I can.

Shortly after her second was born, my friend and her other half asked my husband and I to be her godparents. Both of us were christened, but we are both atheist. I love attending a christening or a church wedding, but whenever we go along we don't join in with the prayers and so on because it would be hypocritical. I respect other people's beliefs, and I feel like joining in would be a lie, and cheapens their religions - almost like we'd be play acting.

I'm so so touched that my friend would like us to be in her daughter's life in this way, but I don't think I feel comfortable with being a godparent, since it's not what I believe in. She knows that I'm not Christian, and whilst she is, she only goes to church for celebrations like weddings, christenings and perhaps a Christmas service. It's not a big part of her life - almost a peripheral thing.

When she and her other half asked us to be godparents, I was so taken aback I didn't really know what to say. I didn't say yes, but I didn't say no either, as I didn't want to upset or offend her (particularly as she had only recently given birth).

Like her sister, I'll always consider this child to be my niece no matter what. Should I go along with being a godparent, knowing that I feel like a hypocrite, but knowing that it would make my friend happy, or should I tell her that it makes me uncomfortable and if so, how?!

I'd particularly appreciate responses from people who are religious, or other atheists who are godparents, because I'm in a real conundrum with this.

My sister is an atheist, married to a practising Catholic, had Catholic wedding and both kids christened as Catholic. She is also God mother to my daughter.

For me it was about her respecting my choice to hold faith and to respect that in helping us raise our daughter.

If she wishes such a good friend then talk to her, see what her take on it is.

I know our vicar and her husband's priest were brilliant about the whole conundrum.

I think you should just be honest with her - you've expressed it very well on here. Maybe put something similar in a letter to her? If religion is only a peripheral thing in her life, then she may just be looking for someone to be a "special person" to her child and not be bothered about the religious aspect at all.

FWIW, DH and I aren't religious at all and didn't have our children christened. We did, however, ask people to be godparents for exactly that reason - to be special people in their lives. Just used the "godparent" term as shorthand because it's easily understood by others.

PS. I wouldn't worry too much. You sound smashing - and the way you express your care and concern for the children means you will be an excellent choice! No hypocrisy in that at all if you're all clear about the religious angle from the start. As I said, "godparent" is a term that is generally well understood so we have always just seen it as a convenient shorthand.

I am a God parent who is an atheist. My friend knows this. She wants me to be a kind and caring influence in his life. To be there for him and if anything happens to his mum and dad to have responsibility for him. The ceremony and religious aspect was important to her for the christening. but she felt I didn't need to believe in God to be a good God parent. during the ceremony I replaced God with good. for my own peace of mind. I believe in good etc.

Presumably your friend knows you're an atheist? I can't work out why she'd ask you to take on a religious role. The ceremony involves saying you believe in god and will help bring up the child to know him. It puts you in a really awkward position of having to lie.

I'd say you're uncomfortable with the religious part but you'd love to have a special role in their children's lives.

I think the ceremony is an issue. If she hasn't been to that many she may not have thought about what she is asking you to sign up to! I didn't mind rejecting Satan etc but it's quite odd once you are an atheist to find yourself doing it.

Perhaps you can ask to be a 'godlessparent' without the vows, or to be an Auntie with a capital A?

In the baptism the godparents have to affirm their belief in God, declare that they turn to Christ and declare that they pray for the baby/child. I would have thought that this is very hard for an atheist to do. If this is a CodE church you can be a sponsor which is all the lovely stuff about being a special person in a child's life without the religious promises.

The worst baptism I ever did was one where one of the Godparents was openly laughing at the words he was about to say. It was very uncomfortable for everyone.

Thanks everyone for replying, and for your supportive words!

I just need to be up front really, don't I? Time to plan a coffee with my friend I think.

awkward situations come up like this in other religions too. i was asked to be a milk mother by my dear friend which means nursing another person's baby. this is no small request as it gives one a status in islam similar to God parent in Christianity so is chosen wisely. not often asked of people outside ones family as it has alot of (religious) legal ramifications. you become a mother to that child and your husband also becomes a father to that child through breastfeeding. like by blood ties. your children also become that child's siblings and they are not allowed to marry in religious law. I feared the gravity of that and said to her that i loved her and her children but what if our children fell in love when they were older? Id much rather be joined by marriage with her family (even if its a low chance of that happening) than by breastfeeding and so we put our hope in that we'd be in laws to each other instead!

It is only words - but all promises are only words. As an atheist I could not stand up at a service run by people who do believe and say words that I think are nonsense. Insulting to both sides.

If your friend also has integrity and tolerance she will understand.

Ehm, like others have said, doesn’t the ceremony involve affirming your belief in God? Isn’t lying about it blasphemy, i.e. kind of a biggie in pretty much all religions? How can a truly religion person be fine with it?

In case anyone's interested, I finally managed to pluck up the courage to phone my friend about this at the weekend. She was so sweet about it, I don't know why I was so apprehensive!

She completely appreciated why I didn't feel I could 'do the churchy bit' and said she was really glad that I'd spoken to her about it. And I felt surprisingly relieved to have stuck to my principles on this one.

Thanks again to everyone for their thoughts on this.