Lost my way

[ChestOfDrawers]

I feel quite lost.

Very Christian upbringing. Have always been a very committed Christian. Worked in the church. Have been through some awful things in life but my faith has always been secure and strong. Very much about love and grace and a personal relationship.

Am working on processing my childhood and suddenly it's thrown up a huge amount of doubt.

I don't know what I believe. If I believe.

I think I believe in God. I feel a spiritual connection when I am in nature.

I struggle to connect with any of the Christian religion stuff. The Bible, the crucifixion and resurrection, communion. Prayer also feels detached. I think it has been like this for some time but I haven't been able to admit it.

It is terrifying. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know where to go.

I looked into unitarianism and I like the look of it a lot. But it doesn't seem to be very child/ family friendly or vibrant in terms of community.

Anyone else been through similar? Where did you go from here in your spiritual journey? Is there a faith or religion out there for me or am I now on an island?

All thoughts and comments appreciated. Thank you for reading.

Sorry MN seems to have removed my paragraphs!!

I went to a Unitarian church for years and my kids still go. The isn't the same "church family" with lots of children that you get in some churches, but they are included in the main service and have a Sunday school once a month. They also go on the Juniors weekends meeting up with kids from across the country.

Hey op sorry you are feeling awful.

Just want to putnit out there that it is ok not to believe, and to follow no religion.- wish someone had told me that sooner.

Is this a sudden attack on your beliefs or has doubt being creeping in for a while?

Broomstick, thank you, that's helpful to know. I have a very young child which obviously limits what I can explore - no Quakers meetings or Buddhist meditations What are services like? I can't picture how the openness of unitarianism blends with sermon etc format?

Ollie, thank you. I needed to hear that. I don't feel like it is OK to be honest. It's frightening and makes me feel extremely guilty and it's a big part of my identity. But it helps to here that objectively it is OK.

To be honest I think it has been building for a long time but for lots of reasons I haven't been able to look at it or acknowledge it. It's a relief to admit it, but like I say overwhelming and scary too.

It's hard to unpick what is mine and my beliefs, and what is my upbringing/ feels familiar and safe/ heard it so often it must be true/ a response to guilt and fear/ a sense of expectation from others/ etc etc. I don't really know how to discern that.

I keep teetering on the edge of reading about other beliefs but it scares me!

Services vary, but generally the will be 2-3 "standard" services a month with the rest following a different format. The minister at our church is part-time, and so half the services are led by members of the congregation.

The standard format would be that people arrive, and the chalice is lit to start the service, and that are probably some introductory words, which might include the phrase " all are welcome here", and which might introduce the theme of the service. Then there would be a hymn. The hymns tend to refer to a "Spirit of Life" or "Divine being" more often than they use the word "God". There is a good selection in this thread www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.religiousforums.com/threads/favorite-uu-hymns.37376/%3Famp%3D1

Sometimes the hymns are quite staggeringly hippy - literally so in many cases, as they are by Joan Baez etc.

After the hymn three will a reading. It might be a poem, or a sacred text (not necessarily the Bible) or a short story. If there are children at the service, one of the readings will usually be a children's story which fits in with the theme, and the children might be invited sit at the front to listen, or to act it out or do sound effects. It might be something written by a theologian or a saint or a an activist or the word of someone in need. Then there will be another hymn, another reading, a hymn, a sermon, some time for reflection and prayer and a final hymn.

Hi ChestOfDrawers,

I've been in a similar place to you for a few years now. A lot of what you've written could apply to me too.

I'm fairly sure I believe in God but I'm not absolutely sure what else I believe. I don't really go to my usual church at the moment because it just frustrates me but I go occasionally to a Quaker church which is lovely. My dilemma is similar to yours - DS is still very young. I found another Quaker meeting with a Sunday school but DS still doesn't like to be left somewhere unfamiliar. I also don't think it would be DH's cup of tea, although he's asking big questions too and is supportive of me trying different churches.

But I'd still like to encourage you not to give up! I don't believe God is angry with us for asking big, fundamental questions. Don't be afraid to try different expressions of church/prayer/worship.

If you like reading, here are some books I've found helpful:

Faith Shift - Kathy Escobar
Searching for Sunday - Rachel Held Evans
Ragamuffin Gospel - Brennan Manning
Faith in the Fog - Jeff Lucas
Most stuff by Adrian Plass

OP I feel for you.
It's not easy to think straight when you have the baggage of a very christian upbringing.

I have family members in a similar situation, and they too struggle to find a path.

The whole idea of human sacrifice/ sin/ god boss does not sit with me at all, perhaps your answer lies outwith christianity.
Maybe another religion, maybe no religion, perhaps paganism.

I would raise your sights a little and read & research as much as you can, about spiritual development.

There is a great big world out there outside christianity.

I am an atheist, although very spiritual.

No religion has all the answers.

Gosh op I have felt what you're feeling. I remember the realisation that I couldn't talk to anyone because everyone has their own bias, a Christian would naturally come at my dilemma from a Christian perspective and the same with an atheist. So I knew it was down to me to pick through it myself. One thing I was sure of throughout my journey was that I loved humanity and the world and wanted to put more love in the world.

I am faithless now but I don't feel like an island. I feel even more connected to others because my sense of community is much wider.

Don't be scared. If there is a God who is superior to you in compassion and understanding it won't mind you having doubts and trying to work out what you really believe.

Hello ChestOfDrawers. I'm so sorry you are going through this difficult time

As a Christian I think that doubt is important and that we should listen to and wrestle with doubt. Faith doesn't mean a constant certainty though there can be times of such. If we had no doubt, our faith would be worth little because it would be a faith steeped in a sense of shutting doubt out which is unhealthy. If you read many of the classic Christian writers over the centuries there is a lot of wrestling with doubt and darkness.

It sounds like you've had a strong faith through childhood but now might be the time to find your own faith or lack of - to break into your own journey. I found the book Faith and Doubt by John Ortberg (sorry lack of link on phone) to be really helpful in such a time, and also God on Mute by Pete Greig. What I would say is be kind to yourself; give yourself time and space to reflect and pray and listen. For me I have found faith in Jesus Christ to be enriching and upbuilding and glorious, but part of that has been in the recognition that so much is broken and the answers are not easy and pat.

I really hope you come to a peaceful place soon

Maybe you're in the process of finding a new way, towards a different faith/philosophy.
It's scary and a bit of a sad time. I went through two years of this and it was a struggle. What began as a drifting away from my Catholic roots ended with my leaving the church behind altogether. Lots of soul searching combined with a bereavement made for a difficult journey. But that's because it was a valid journey and my faith obviously meant so much more to me than I had recognised.

I have found myself drawn towards the Unitarian church and Vedic meditation. I have come through this with my faith in tact, still a Christian in many respects. And in many ways, I feel a deeper respect for my Christian beliefs, though some of my outlooks have changed over the years.
But I think my faith and philosophies just needed a new home. The Catholic church no longer fit, with all due respect. I am drawn to the writings of Baruch Spinoza and his philosophy that God is nature and nature is God.

To be human is to question. Question everything. Be curious. Doubt. Wonder. That's the magic.

I hope the shadows soon scatter from your path as you welcome new thoughts and different observations taken from new and different angles. You may find that your faith flourishes or adapts to fit with newly explored philosophies and aspects of other religions.

Anything that helps us to live in truth with full hearts is always a good thing. Feed your mind and fill your heart. I wish I had known that this was more of a beautiful exploration rather than sad departure from the Catholic church. It didn't need to be such a sad time for me, on reflection. I hope it won't be for you.

Best of luck!

I focused a lot on leaving the church as opposed to leaving faith behind in my post. Sorry about that. I was speaking too much from my own perspective... though I still have faith, I believe, I don't actively practice. I don't really attend any Christian services, apart from the occasional Unitarian service. This has been incredibly liberating after going through a period of feeling like the bottom fell out from beneath me... a lot of guilt and uncertainty.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't be afraid OP. Don't be scared. Explore! That's what our beautiful minds are for.

I like what headinhands wrote: "I am faithless now but I don't feel like an island. I feel even more connected to others because my sense of community is much wider."

That's something I've noticed in my own journey away from the church (though my faith, as I said, is still relatively in tact... altered but there). I spend a lot more time walking in forests. The woods are my temple and God is all around. Sound corny, I know. But in so many ways, I feel a better human being, more enriched, more in touch with the life force that I consider to be God.
Ok, I'll stop now. May you find your own enlightened way. Peace be with you OP.

Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith. I would try to reflect on any experiences you've had in the past when you felt the Spirit, when you felt close to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, maybe times you were praying and felt supported and loved.

I came from no religious background to spiralling between Christianity and paganism for a few years before finally finding a church (and home). It's seriously a confusing time. One thing I will say though is I don't feel the scattergun, throw it at the wall and see what sticks approach really works.

If you think about those past times when you had a stronger faith, I would then start reading one of the Gospel accounts. I love Luke personally. And I would pray to know what it means for you.

Of course if you don't find even a seed of faith then at least your exploration will allow you to draw a line under it and allow you to walk away and explore other faith approaches. In my experience (both personal and watching others) until you are able to walk away from one thing you will never be able to commit to another and in doing so will probably end up frustrated, confused, maybe even angry but certainly lost and stressed.

1 Peter 1:7 is my favourite bible verse:

King James Bible
That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ.

We can have faith or fear, we do not have to have doubts but equally, as with all relationships, we must build trust to overcome those fears and doubts.

I once heard of prayer as being compared to a call centre, can't recall the specific quote right now, but essentially lines are open 24/7, all you gotta do is speak, or think or even write. Whatever is easier for you. Xxx

Agree with Annie that one of the best things is to go back to Jesus. Our faith is built on who Jesus is so it's almost about throwing the other stuff that gets in the way aside for a while and just look at him. Maybe read a gospel and take time to let it soak in. See what happens. But as I said, take time and be kind to yourself.

Thank you all so much for your posts. I will reply fully later when I can get on my computer, but for now I just wanted to say thank you. I'm so grateful and you've all given me lots to think about and be encouraged by.

How're you feeling today ChestofDrawers? Xx

ChestofDrawers

Leaving Christianity doesn’t have to mean leaving Jesus. You can take him with you!

In Christianity there are two depictions of Jesus – the divine saviour and the charismatic rabbi with a social gospel. The latter conception of Jesus is available to anyone who is interested, not just Christians.

Have a look at the website ‘Atheists for Jesus’ and maybe listen to the associated podcasts.

www.atheists-for-jesus.com

In short, you don’t have to believe in the supernatural stuff to continue to have Jesus as a role model and source of inspiration.

And above all, don’t feel frightened or guilty. There is nothing wrong with you. You haven’t suddenly stepped out of the light into the darkness. You are still capable of being good. Whatever you may read in theological texts, faith is not in itself a virtue, merely a facilitator of virtuous behaviour for some people. Kindness, generosity, compassion – these are true virtues, and all are accessible to believers and non-believers alike.

Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.

What does that even mean? Doubt your doubts?

Headinhands - basically before you question your belief in God question where those questions come from.

Well first of all, thank you again everyone, your posts have been invaluable to me this week I'll write a bit about where I'm at today and then respond to individual posters.

I am still very frightened by it all, it makes me feel like I am sinning, to even be thinking these things. Each thought is a battle, to get through all the barriers I have.

But I keep thinking: that's not the faith I want to have, one where I can't explore. It doesn't feel real or honest. I'm on a big process generally right now to thinking lots of things through and becoming more authentic. It's quite exciting actually, and liberating.

I looked into unitarianism and saw a lot that resonated with me, but I didn't feel that it was enough. I have also been looking into paganism. This resonates with me a lot - the divine and beauty in nature, and also the passion and devotion of the pagan people I have spoken to. I have a lot more reading to do though.

I don't think I can go down the polytheistic path right now, and I am getting very confused about this. I always thought I understood the Trinity but now suddenly it isn't making sense to me at all.

One thing is clear to me right now: I do know a, the, God, I do have a relationship with God. For me it feels like getting to know God better, clearer, more honestly. The question is who is this God who I know? Is it the Christian God? If so why do I feel so uncomfortable with Christian doctrine? Is it a monotheistic God in a pagan context? Is it something else?

Broomstick thank you, that's helpful to know the format. It sounds like a freer/ less dogmatic version of "standard" church?

Amethyst thank you, your words are encouraging, and I'll look into those books. It's hard with a young child isn't it? It makes me angry because I think it's wrong that I'm excluded from exploring spirituality in a real life community because of having a young child. Can't it be a bit loud and chaotic too, you know?

Cailleach this has echoed round my head all week: "There is a great big world out there outside christianity." Very powerful, and very helpful. I have never looked out at this great big world, and it is both terrifying and liberating. As I said above, it's like I'm holding onto this God I know but trying to work out who this God is, outside the view I was in. I wonder whether I had a strong faith before, or whether I was just blinkered.

Headinhands thank you, that's a comforting thought. And yes, part of the difficulty is knowing that no one can tell me the right answer - everyone has their own agenda, and beliefs, and fears.

Madhairday you make some good points, and you're right, my faith (whatever it ends up being) will be realer, and stronger, and richer, for allowing myself to explore it more deeply. I've just never been hit by these doubts before so I'm finding it a bit weird! And thanks for the book recommendations, will have a look. Re: your second post - a great reminder to look fresh at Jesus, as well as everything else. I think for me the problem is that I have been believing in quite a simplified faith for quite a long time. I've struggled with the doctrinal stuff so ended up just focusing on Jesus and God's love. But I think I feel like it's time to dig in deeper and honestly explore because it now feels a bit stale and stunted, if that makes sense.

TheVanguard I relate to so much of what you have written. Especially this: "I think my faith and philosophies just needed a new home." This is exactly how I am feeling. Any recommendations on where I should start with Baruch Spinoza? Yy with the forests and woods! I also relate to the grief and letting go. Church has been a very big part of my identity and a foundation for me. Can I ask how you have kind of loosened up or freed up your beliefs, whilst staying a Christian? I don't know how I would stay a Christian if I admitted how hard I find some of the doctrinal aspects, if that makes sense. I worry if I drift too far down the spectrum I'm just not a Christian any more.

Annie that's helpful advice, thank you. A good reminder to look at the Bible/ Jesus with these new open eyes, as well as other things. I feel I need to look at other spiritualities too, but you are right on the importance of reading the Gospels etc to look at that fresh. Re: doubting doubts - this is a good point. I know why I'm feeling like this though - don't feel like I can explain here, but I think it is a positive growth journey thing, one that's necessary and that hopefully I'll come out the other side of with a stronger, realer, richer spirituality/ faith.

Outwiththeout that's a really interesting perspective. I've come across similar with unitarianism and with paganism, this idea of Jesus as extraordinary, and inspirational, but not divine. I don't know how I feel about it as I get stuck on the fear of exploring the idea as I've had a lifetime of thinking that would be a sinful thought, you know? But definitely one to ponder more.

Thank you again everyone, so much to think about!!

Thinking of you as you try to work this out op. I could have written this post myself at one time, have spent most of the last decade searching just as you are having been brought up Christian and then pulling back from a lot of its teachings. Everyone's journey is of course their own and I wish you all the peace in the world on yours but in case it does help I explored a lot of what you have. I was looking for something more liberal and more inclusive than the Christianity I was brought up with and in my searching I did go along to a Unitarian church and found it very welcoming and lovely but again for me somehow lacking in something I couldn't put my finger on. I also attended a very liberal charasmatic church which again was lovely but in worship style too close to what I had I left behind to make me comfortable, and explored Baha'i teachings and some Tibetan bhuddist teachings but kept feeling drawn back to Christianity in a way I couldn't explain. Looking back I think my big breakthrough was discovering Marcus borg's books, especially The Heart of Christianity, which opened my eyes to a new way of viewing my old faith. Eventually, I found Quakerism which for me is a perfect spiritual home just now, but I am so grateful now for the years of searching and for my faith in its own quiet way now being stronger than it was when I unquestioningly believed all I was taught in church. Now it's mine wherever I go and it's thought out and I'm so thankful for that. I wish you all the best. X

You could almost be describing my lifes experience op. I try to live by the teachings i learned even if i have great doubts as to my faith. I had a cousin who was raised unitarian and i think it was an intellectual fellowship experience for her growing up as opposed to religious or heavy church experience.

Thanks for sharing this ChestOfDrawers I feel the same. I was brought up Christian and church has always been a massive part of my life. However when I had children it started to unravel. I found myself feeling uncomfortable about Christian teaching. I don't want my children to be told that their sin is responsible for a man having to sacrifice himself and die a horrible death. I also can't come to terms with hell anymore. Why would anyone deserve eternal torture? If people are brought up in a different faith why do they deserve to go to hell. I am nearly 40 and feel so embaressed that it's taken me so long to question these things

Hi again, thanks for the comments, and sorry it's taken me an age to reply. I wanted to do some more thinking before I came back here to write.

At the moment I am really drawn to paganism. It makes a lot of sense to me. I am interested in a one God/ pantheistic belief, as I feel I do already do know God, but it's about finding the right place, the right framework. I am so put off by Christian doctrine. I want to find something simple, no complicated rules or baggage. So paganism is feeling like quite a good fit at the moment, but I'm still very much looking around at what is out there. I am also trying to make sure I just listen and explore, without being completely intellectual about it. Since exploring this I have had some really exquisite moments of spirituality, and it feels much more honest than it did, much realer. We'll see where it goes, it makes me feel scared, but I'm trying not to rush.

Fiona thank you for sharing your journey, it's really encouraging to hear. It sounds like there are a lot of similarities with my own, and it's great to hear that you found a place where you feel at home, but that also your faith became deeper and more yours. I don't know much about Quakerism but it is one of the things I want to learn about (although I have a toddler so wouldn't be able to go to meetings).

Crisp that's interesting to hear. I'm sorry that you are struggling too, I hope that you are able to explore and reach a place of peace.

Pandapop I could have written your post, thank you for sharing. Having a child has been when it's really started to unravel for me too. Like you I feel really uncomfortable around Christian doctrine. A lot of what's in the BIble doesn't really make sense or add up for me, and so much of it feels incongruent with the God that I do know and believe in. I can give the correct answers explaining the awkward bits, the wrath and mistranslations and so on, but I don't really feel it, I feel put off and uncomfortable, like it's too complicated. I struggle particularly with the crucifixion, like you say I don't feel comfortable with the idea of original sin, and sacrificing His Son in a gruesome way because I am so sinful. I feel really uncomfortable with it. I've tried to avoid it for years but I don't think I can any more, I need to be more honest. And yes, I also struggle with the idea of hell. As a parent I work hard to be peaceful and forgiivng and so on, so the idea that the ultimate Parent would be so punitive is hard to get my head round, even though I can give the perfect Christian answer as to why it's ok, it doesn't feel ok to me. And yes I feel embarrassed too! I worked in the church, preaching and everything!!! But I think we're all different, our journeys are all different, and sometimes it takes a long time to get to the point of being able to look at it all honestly. This is getting too long but do pm me if you wanted to chat more.

I'm finding this interesting because you are the other way around from me. I started off as pagan, combined paganism with a Unitarian church for years and then became a Christian.

I hope you find what you need.