Offended a friend who wasn't picked as godmother - how do I deal with it?

[binbon2]

My DD is being christened in a couple of months time, and we asked a friend of my DH (who is also my DS's godfather), and two of my friends (one of whom is my DS's godmother). Tonight I had a phonecall from DD's godfather-to-be, saying that his wife was upset that we had not asked her to be a godmother to DD. They were married after DS was christened, and I think she thought that she would be asked as well as her husband now they are married. I hope that makes sense.
Anyway, I'm sad that she is upset, and am going to ring her to talk about it, but am unsure how to deal with it.
So far, I have said to the husband that it was traditional to have one man and two women, and that DH chose the man and I chose the women, and we haven't picked the partners of any of the godparents.

Any advice/opinions welcome.

Ah bugger

Personally I chose different people for my second, mainly on the grounds that it is nicer for someone to be godparent to ONE person

I would add her in though - there is no limit (if it is CofE) and so I would ring back and say "Look we've talked about it and I'm sorry, I should have thought about it, we'd really LOVE her to be a godmother too" - and send her a note. Why not? It obviously means a lot to them which is lovely.

If you don't want her as godmother then explain things exactly as you have done here. However, you can have as many godparents for one child as you like - our dd2 has five!

yes agree with mp

A friend of mine deliberately chose godparents that were not related/married, as they wanted the godparents to have as much impact on the child's life as possible.

With a married couple, this would be one lot, but with one half of a married couple and someone else, this is two lots....

Hope that makes sense.

We had similar issues with family being offended we hadn't asked them - I just think it's plain rude for those wanting to be the child's godparents to actually come right out and tell you they were upset by not being asked. Go with who you want- I wish I had have done - instead of pleasing DH's family!

just read that back and it makes no sense whatsoever.

What I'm trying to say is that as wife of godfather, she gets to be involved in the child's life, just as she would if she were godmother.... by not choosing her, they are inviting another couple into child's life, thereby giving the little one FOUR people who care about her, rather than TWO.

Thanks for everyone's input.

I understand exactly what you mean Squonk, and that was our reasoning for picking one half of couples who are our close friends. It's not that we don't want her to be a godmother, but we assumed that she would take that role anyway, even if not officially a godmother. I was wondering whether to rethink and ask her, since it does obviously mean that much to her, but then would it seem like we'd asked her just as a second thought, and so she'd still be upset? And then DS would have 3 godparents, and DD four, so he might be upset. Hmm... I suppose you can't please everyone!

My dd1 has three godparents, dd2 has five and atm it looks like ds won't get any as I don't really class myself as a Christian any more and don't think he'll be baptised!

If you decide to ask your friend's wife, tell her you thought you weren't allowed more than three but a bunch of women on the internet have told you that you can have more so you are ecstatic and can ask her after all.

If you are happy then I think it is her problem and not yours. Think her DH was a bit off to phone and say all this to you. Not sure what he hoped to achieve...

Personally I htink I would say sorry that she felt unhappy with your decision but you have chosen the other people for good reasons. Leave it at that. Plus I think I might rethink my decision to have her DH as a god father - he doesn't seem very thoughtful of your feelings.

I do agree that it was wierd of her dh to phone, and it's not something she should have been bothered about, but given that you are about to make promises to raise your ds as a Christian, showing generosity and forgiveness are probably good places to start - unless there is any reason why this woman is totally unsuitable.

How truly bizarre that she thought she had the right to express her disappointment - and that her dh felt it appropriate to ring and tell you. Haven't we all been in the position of being crestfallen that we weren't asked to be godmother/bridesmaid/whatever, and didn't we all just swallow it back, plaster on a big smile, and move on? It always staggers me when people treat this kind of honour as a right.

Anyway, rant over. By all means include her now if you feel you can do so with good grace. Otherwise, be charming but stick to your guns.

Oh, I'm spitting chips atm about my dds being bought the crappiest horrible nasty itchy cheap bridesmaids' dresses by their godmother, who is splurging all over the place on the rest of the wedding, so I'm a fine one to talk (think I have hid it from the bride though so far - although you should see their frocks for the Reception!)

Just thought I'd let you know all is resolved OK. I emailed the husband saying our reasons for 3 individual godparents, and that we'd assumed his wife would take a godmother role, but not stand up in church. We also apologised for any upset caused and I asked if he thought she would like to be asked to be godmother. He then replied to say that the problem was that she wasn't with her husband when DH asked him, and was upset to hear it second hand. But when we asked we also had another couple with us, so were trying to ask when they weren't in earshot so that we didn't offend them! All very difficult! I did ask her if she wanted to be an official godmother, but she said to leave it as it is.

So thanks for all your thoughts, it did help clarify things.