Are relationships between believers and non believers difficult?

[FritzDonovan]

I have never believed in God, my Dh didn't when I met him (both science graduates), although has always been interested in the philosophy of religions. He has been attending church on and off for a number of years, which I have never prevented. Recently he has said he now believes in God and finds it hurtful that I don't want to go to church with him. I feel we are growing apart fundamentally because of this new belief of his, and do worry how it will impact on us/family in the future.
Anyone got any words of wisdom beyond accompanying him to church? (we have limited free time together, I find church v boring and preachy, it isn't for me at all. No offence to anyone intended)

Ah. I think I recognise you and was on another thread of yours last year OP. Why are you still with him when he doesn't bring you any happiness?

Niminy

Even your version of St Paul's writings -

Do not be mismatched with unbelievers. For what partnership is there between righteousness and lawlessness? Or what fellowship is there between light and darkness? What agreement does Christ have with Beliar? Or what does a believer share with an unbeliever?

looks religionist to me!

(religionist = prejudiced against those who don’t share one’s belief system. Could be extended to include atheists being prejudiced about theists.)

The blanket condemnation and demonisation (Beliar) of non-believers is uncalled for, whatever Paul’s experiences.

There are Christians who have read the relevant passages of Paul’s epistles in detail and in context and have concluded that they are being told they shouldn’t marry non-Christians - even today because they might be corrupted by the immoral ways of their non-Christian partner. It’s not some glib maverick atheist interpretation of mine.

Though I find Paul religionist, I would not say the same of Jesus. His Good Samaritan parable is a gem. It certainly portrays a belief outsider - such as the Samaritan was to Jesus’ followers – in a wonderfully positive light.

It would have been good if Paul could have picked up on that particular aspect of Jesus’ generosity but it didn’t happen. Instead we have Paul apparently assuming that, without Christianity, people are incapable of behaving morally.

Fritz

I found your point about the shared scientific background you have with your DH interesting. I had a relationship with a fellow scientist that came to a horrible, difficult end when he became a born again Christian. That he suddenly seemed to be throwing evidenced-based thinking out the window was particularly bewildering!

I do hope you can make some progress and find a way through eventually. Goodness knows, it's not easy.

I had a relationship with a fellow scientist that came to a horrible, difficult end when he became a born again Christian. That he suddenly seemed to be throwing evidenced-based thinking out the window was particularly bewildering!

The same thing happened to my neighbour, who also became a born again christian. He left his wife (who was also a scientist) and married another christian woman, they both now live next door to me and dh (we are both atheist).

He asked to debate creationism with us and we even accompanied him to a creationist evening, which was basically a sermon. After the debate he told us that he realised a lot of what he believed was silly, but he couldn't not believe it.

It was troubling.

Fritz, I don't want to put words in your mouths, or thoughts in your heads, but I think you and your dh have fallen into very natural and understandable ways of thinking about your new situation. The question will be, can you get out of this and find a way to live together happily?

From your point of view, your dh has moved the goal posts. When you met, you agreed - you were both atheists, and everything was fine. Now he's totally changed, believes something which you consider nonsense, and he would like you to give it a try, or at least come along with him sometimes. Why should you compromise? He's the one who has changed! You are hurt that his new interest takes up family time, and that he thinks you are 'lacking' in something now.

From his point of view, he's discovered something that has changed the way he looks at life (for the better), and he thinks you would be happier if you found it too! Or at least if you understood what he now believes. Effectively, he thinks he was wrong before, and that he should persuade you to change your mind. He's hurt that you are not interested.

I don't think it's wrong for either of you to be hurt. Feelings are just that - feelings. The question is, what do you want to happen?

I would guess that you would like him to give it all up and go back to being the man he was before, while he would like you to become a Christian and join in with his new life. Neither of you are going to get all of what you want.

So you both need to compromise, or this relationship is doomed. Maybe you would rather walk away than compromise - and that's your choice of course.

But if you both want to carry on, you need to have some practical ideas. It's not about persuading each other of the rightness of your view, it's about living together without falling out.

Could you try some of these ideas?

Maybe you all go to church once a month. In between times, some weeks he goes alone, some weeks you all go out and do something else (non religious). No one sulks when it's not 'their' week. You try to appreciate the efforts the other is making to compromise.

You agree not to try to persuade each other of the rightness of your views for a period of time (a few weeks or months?) to let things cool a bit.

You both try to find some other couples who make this work - and ask them how they do it. Focus on what you do have in common rather than the differences. Take some practical advice. Try not to focus on who is being more or less tolerant.

All this is easier said than done. I've been in a relationship like this, and it was hard. It's a lot better now. I don't think we were as entrenched as you both are, perhaps, but not far off. All I can advise is to remember it's not about winning the argument. You might win, or he might, but find yourselves alone. That would be a shame if you could stay together and both be happy, but to do that you have to stop wanting to change each other's minds.

Lucien what you say makes a lot of sense wrt what we are (probably) thinking individually.
However, I have been supporting his going to church/bible classes for well over a year (having the kids so he can do it), have been to the occasional event, and have taken the kids to related church events they enjoy while he has been away. I am not going to sit in on a sermon regularly (with kids who don't want to be there, I have done it before and it largely becomes my problem to keep them quiet because he is engrossed in the preaching) purely because he wants to share it. Doing something non religious as a family is not the other side of the coin, it is just what you should be doing as a family anyway. Thanks for your other suggestions though.
My worry is not so much about changing his mind because he believes what I do not. It is more that I think he is changing as an individual and will use this as a reason to ultimately show how incompatible we are , and yes, an excuse to get together with some god fearing woman who now has more in common with him. Even so, I cannot sit through a sermon I don't believe in, pretend to be someone I am not and talk about ideas I find unbelievable purely to try and prevent this. I would become exceedingly bitter and no doubt the situation would be worse. He is welcome to his religion but I am hurt that he is hurt that I don't embrace it, iyswim.

Yes, I do understand what you mean, and I sympathise with how hard you are finding it. As a tiny point, I don't think he should be leaving you to do all the child-amusing during the sermon! Just because he wants to listen to it and you don't, doesn't mean he gets a free pass!

Your point about doing something non religious being just what you have always done, so just 'life', is interesting. Whatever you think of the fairness or unfairness of it, that 'life' has changed. Your dh has introduced something new into your lives, and 'life' now includes religious activities. I'm trying to suggest a balance, but that won't work of course if you don't feel you can tolerate the presence of any religious activities in your joint lives. You are of course entitled to feel that way.

No one has to accept a change like this in their life. But if you can't tolerate any change in this area of your family life, then you are at a stalemate. He's not going to change back to the man you used to know.

One of the reasons I suggested a period of not discussing it to cool off, is because I think you haven't accepted that this is a permanent change in your dh. Maybe in time you can accept you still love him, changes and all, enough to stay together and reach some sort of agreement. Or maybe time will just highlight that the change is forever and you can't live with that.

I hope you can sort it out. You sound as though you really love him.

Oh, and I'm sorry, I meant to say that I suspect he's thinking he can convert you, rather than trying to prove you are incompatible and go off with someone more god-fearing. Most Christians probably aren't looking to divorce and remarry if a marriage can be saved. Wild generalisation there, of course! But he probably wants to change you, rather than leave you.

Not sure if that makes it better or worse!

I do accept there could be a balance, and we had this before. But asking me to go to church regularly would be like me asking him to go to a yoga retreat regularly, and I know he won't do this as he has no interest in it, whereas I do. It seems unfairly one sided to me.

Doing something non-religious as a family is not the other side of the coin, it is just what you should be doing as a family anyway.

I think this is a good point Fritz.

Does your DH have an obsessive personality?

The more information you give, the more I wonder if the problem isn’t actually religion per se but more an addiction to religion.

When does a healthy interest in religion cross over into being an addiction? It can be hard to tell when a line is crossed but some of your comments suggest he is now prioritising religion over family well-being. It seems concerning that he wants to keep pushing for you and your children to go to church when you have been clear that it is a source of discomfort for you.

It's like pumping the wrong type of blood into someone, watching them manifest mounting signs of an incompatibility reaction, continuing with the transfusion regardless and asserting all the while that it’ll do them good in the long run!

That your DH’s emotional focus is increasingly outside the family home is another disquieting development.

Here’s a link to an article about religious addiction and how it might be recognised in an individual. Maybe it will resonate with you.

www.recoveryplace.com/blog/5-signs-you-may-be-addicted-to-religion/

Written from a believer's perspective, it says that religion is a good thing but you can have too much of a good thing. It’s also written specifically for those who are recovering from other addictions, have turned to God for help and have ended up swapping one addiction for another. Nevertheless I think the information is of relevance to all whose interest in religion has developed into an obsession - to the extent that other aspects of their lives have been thrown out of balance and they are causing distress to those they love, albeit unintentionally.

My ex believed in god.

Told him, don't talk to me about why I should believe in a fairytale and I won't talk to him about why he shouldn't believe in a fairytale!

His mother wanted us to marry in a church, I told her no, we will marry in a non religious venue with a vicar/priest whichever one it is.