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Original poster

Are relationships between believers and non believers difficult?

85 replies

FritzDonovan · 17/03/2017 07:25

I have never believed in God, my Dh didn't when I met him (both science graduates), although has always been interested in the philosophy of religions. He has been attending church on and off for a number of years, which I have never prevented. Recently he has said he now believes in God and finds it hurtful that I don't want to go to church with him. I feel we are growing apart fundamentally because of this new belief of his, and do worry how it will impact on us/family in the future.
Anyone got any words of wisdom beyond accompanying him to church? (we have limited free time together, I find church v boring and preachy, it isn't for me at all. No offence to anyone intended)

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BackforGood · 19/03/2017 17:42

backforgood were your dc always happy to go?

Yes. I mean, they don't go when there's been a clash - eg obviously not when they are away for the weekend on Scout camp, or if there's the chance to go out climbing for the day, but, until they (older 2) got jobs that meant they worked on Sundays, they've all come each week. The folk that work with the children and young people are good though and the Church involves young people by giving them responsibilities and little jobs etc. My older 2 have chosen to get confirmed a couple of years ago. I've never had to 'make' them come.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 19/03/2017 18:49

Thanks for the reply backforgood. How would you have dealt with it if the dc hadn't wanted to go? OH has said to me in the not too distant past that he is disappointed I don't back him up in 'getting the kids to go'.
(Yes, because they have actually said they didn't want to go to both of us, and cried when he insisted. Maybe I have been soft hearted in not making them go, but if they are of an age to express the fact that they don't want to go to an optional activity because they don't enjoy it, why should I force them to?)

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RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 19/03/2017 18:53

fritz

My dad only went to church for our baptsim, first holy communion and confirmation

We went to church with my mum every week and special occasions until i stopped believing at 13 , i cant remember how old my brother was

BroomstickOfLove · 19/03/2017 18:53

I wish mine wanted to come with me, not because I want to indoctrinate then with religion, but because I feel as though I am imposing on DP by having a couple of hours of child-free time, and he would really like to have some quiet time to himself at weekends. I take them out to the library or a museum for the afternoon, though, so he gets his break then, and that's our compromise.

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/03/2017 18:59

OP, why does he think it's your job to make the DC go? If he wants them to go then it is his job to take them (if they are young) or convince them (if they are older). Have they ever been?

EddSimcox · 19/03/2017 19:27

OP your world views are now very different, he finds that hard, you find that hard. I think what this thread shows is that different faith / no faith couples only work if each respect and largely ignore the others' position. If you talk about your strongly opposing views all the time you won't make it.

Your story seems pretty similar to mine, except I am your DH (kinda). I am not hurt by DP not sharing my faith, but I am hurt by the way she talks about it in highly derogatory terms, like lesstressed described her DH doing. We are not going to make it, and it's been a terribly hard road. I wish you and your DH more love, patience and understanding than we've been able to muster.

BackforGood · 19/03/2017 19:30

fritz - then I'd have let them stay at home with dh / on their own if they'd thought about it and decided that was what they really wanted.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 19/03/2017 19:54

dione yes, they have been regularly for years, and I always supported this while they were happy to go. (OH has been going to church on and off for a long time, but although agreed with the general ethos it is only relatively recent he has said he truly believes in 'god', as far as he has explained to me.)
Edd I'm sorry it's not working out for you and your OH . Do you mind me asking what your OH has said which you class as highly derogatory? I have a feeling that what I have always said about it to my OH, he would now take offence at, although he didn't have a problem with it before.

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I17neednumbers · 19/03/2017 19:58

"OH has said to me in the not too distant past that he is disappointed I don't back him up in 'getting the kids to go'.

(Keen church goer here, and totally disagree with dc having to go if they are anti. Why should they?) I think a pp got it right with the reference to 'the zeal of the convert'. i think people can become very enthusiastic when they first discover whatever belief they discover. For some people that translates into the fact that they simply cannot understand why everyone else close to them doesn't agree. Whereas you are just being what you always were - and would never have tried to encourage your dc to go to church.

Quite often though the initial zeal moderates - though you may not find that much comfort at the moment!

EddSimcox · 19/03/2017 20:07

The standard hard atheist stuff I guess - you're mad (she means it literally, i.e., she thinks its a mental illness) to believe in your sky fairy; your god is an evil bastard etc. It's true I wouldn't have been offended before either by those kind of comments, but then they weren't personal before.

I17neednumbers · 19/03/2017 20:15

Edd, so sorry that you are having such difficulties.

The 'God is cruel' comments - well I think that there are problems - so I can see that that is part of a reasonable discussion to be had! But 'mad' comments I can see are a different category.

The only thing I would add is that I think it can feel tremendously threatening to the remaining non-believer when one goes over to the believer side. "If that's changed about her, what else may?" So I can sort of understand a very strong reaction.

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/03/2017 20:15

So your DH took the children to church when he didn't believe in god, now he does and he thinks it is up to you to make them go?Confused

picklemepopcorn · 19/03/2017 20:23

I am lucky that although DH doesn't believe, he treats me respectfully. He thinks bout whether there may be truth in my beliefs, because someone he respects holds them.

I don't call him stupid and narrow minded for failing to understand the subtlety of other people's beliefs, he doesn't call me stupid and narrow minded for believing in God. Neither of us is stupid.

We both know not everything can be known.

picklemepopcorn · 19/03/2017 20:27

It's really painful when people's disdain for your belief leads them to disdain you. It's fine to not share my beliefs, it's not fine to treat me as an idiot for them.

CocoaLeaves · 19/03/2017 20:35

Lessstressedhemum I am really sad for you reading your post, that sounds really difficult.

I think, as others have said, the key point is respect. If that is lacking on either side, you are going to struggle.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 19/03/2017 20:44

dione I don't think I'm explaining it very well. He has a long term interest in religious philosophy and has been to church for years, but I asked him on and off if he actually believed in 'god' and it seems only recently he does believe in an actual Christian God. Apologies to anyone if I'm not explaining very well. To me (who is accepting of any religious ethos which doesn't cause harm to others) this is a step away from upholding Christian morals and values, especially coming from someone who I shared a scientific background with. I don't believe in one God above all others, I don't believe the bible to be the literal truth etc, he doesn't agree with the churches stance on women/homosexuality etc, so I can't get my head around apparently believing in this (proof less) God, who there is a lot of negativity associated with, and always has been.

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Original poster
FritzDonovan · 19/03/2017 20:47

Sorry, that was a ramble and didn't answer the q! I think it's probably him having an issue with me apparently not supporting him in his faith, by not being more pushy about the kids going. But in a way, this is him not supporting us as non believers, so I don't totally get it.

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DioneTheDiabolist · 19/03/2017 20:52

How is your relationship apart from the faith issue? Are you starting to see him as "believer" rather than Mr. Donovan?

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 19/03/2017 20:56

Not particularly good tbh. I'm starting to see him as someone who is changing and growing apart from the family really. This is one part of it.

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MamaHanji · 19/03/2017 20:57

I am a Christian and my partner isn't. It's hard but the rule is, he doesn't mock my beliefs, and I don't preach or force them on us or our children. I am a very modern Christian and I fully support homosexuality, having children outside of marriage (like we do), women being in positions of authority, basically the majority of the things that the more traditional churches are against.

It's hard and whilst your partner would like you to come to church and support him, he needs to accept your beliefs and support you in those!

You both need to lay down what are the requirement for your relationship regarding his beliefs and your beliefs, and then you can figure out how you can compromise and still be comfortable with yourself.

It is hard though. Good luck!

jessplussomeonenew · 19/03/2017 20:59

Sorry, just saw your question. Dale McGowan is an atheist, think his wife used to be Christian but isn't any more. This Q&A gives you a bit of a flavour of what's in the book: www.patheos.com/blogs/takeandread/2014/08/when-atheists-and-religious-marry-a-qa-with-dale-mcgowan/

jimijack · 19/03/2017 21:04

I think it too difficult.
One of my very best friends has become a born again, spouts God bless constantly and it has resulted in making me feel so uncomfortable that I have decided to have no more to do with them.
I am sad that it has come to this but it is now bordering on offensive and I can't stomach any more of it. Everything comes round to his beliefs and while I get that it is important to him, I don't want to hear about it constantly.
Too hard.

picklemepopcorn · 19/03/2017 21:11

Maybe you don't know as much as you assume about Christianity? Lots of people think they know what Christians believe, but there is a huge range of beliefs. Even within my church we all understand things differently. We are all trying to make sense of what we experience, what we read in the bible, what the church teaches. The bible isn't usually thought to be a literal truth, it is a body of writing collected over centuries which describes our experience with God. Some of it is historical, some of it instructional, some of it a record of other people's prayers.

Before assuming your husband has gone soft in the head, check out what he actually believes.

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/03/2017 21:12

If the marriage isn't good in general OP, something like this can be the death knell.Sad If you both want your marriage to work, I suggest couple's counselling because there seems to be communication problems, responsibility issues and a lack of respect in your relationship.Thanks

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 19/03/2017 22:28

Yes pickle, from what I have seen people pick the bits they agree with and interpret the rest as they see fit.
dione I would agree with the couples counselling, it has been raised before and was last at the point when I told him to look for someone to see. Which he seems to have forgotten about. Problem is with him actually being around for it, as he often works away, doesn't have enough time to regularly take off work for it through the day, and gets back after 6 when working here, so we're straight into dinner/kids to bed etc. (And I have to say that the reasons we are not good at the moment are of his creation. So I do feel he should be making a consistent effort, rather than seeing to his own interests as the main priority. But that is another thread really.)

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