Spiritual confusion

[OnwardsAndUpwardsYo]

I'm a little lost. I feel that in my mid-30's I should be sorted on the whole faith thing but I'm more confused than ever.

I was bought up CofE, but wasn't strict at all. I went to Sunday school for a couple of years at a young age because all my friends did it, it was the standard thing where I lived. School was closely connected to the nearby church. My parents didn't really attend church, we didn't really speak about religion.

I always felt fairly Christian, felt calm and peace when entering a church but did only attend for celebrations and funerals.

Nowadays, I feel more that traditional religion was created as a control mechanism for the people, I don't think the things in the bible happened, water into wine etc.

I still feel a connection and peace when in a church but I think now, that it isn't so much a religious but a stability peace. Things never change in church, it feels safe and the local ones are the same as they always have been, it never changes and that's comforting.

I have always loved spirituality, I just don't know where to go from here. When I attend school church events I don't pray, I simply don't feel like I can.

I do believe in the universe power, positive thinking and cosmic ordering.

I feel most at happy in woodlands, forests and open wild land, but I don't feel I want to worship trees. :/ Although the most beautiful things are wonderous, sunsets, a clear crisp day, golden leaves...I just love the amazing gifts nature gives us every day.

Paganism is interesting...I don't know enough about it.

I think, in conclusion, I'm muddled and don't know which path I should explore, spiritually. I'd like to look into a path and need some guidance.

I've always thought of cosmic ordering as a kind of prayer, except unfortunately a kind that involves being on transmit, when prayer should be on receive a lot more.

Having said that, when I used to pray, I did a kind of transmitting - it was around a Quaker concept called 'holding someone in the light' - just imagining someone with light around them and then trying to think what would help them. At times I found it surprisingly powerful - a lot of the time, it involved me not DOING anything for them but listening to them and making time for them.

That's lovely annendale

OnwardsAndUpwardsYo

Well most pagans don't actually worship trees!

Have you looked at modern- druidry? It is not incompatible with Christianity and there are plenty of Christo- Druids (Look at the OBOD forums). This may mesh with the type of thing you are seeking

You seem to be searching for a religion, rather than just believing whatever you believe and that's that and I'm not sure why. The truth is that 'from here' you don't really need to go anywhere.

Have a read of Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch, I found that fairly helpful, spiritually as it kind of put into words all that I believed anyway.
The power of now and the celestine prophecy also make for good spiritual reading.

My experience is that as I grow older faith is less black and white and certainty and more about being comfortable with mystery. I don't think we ever get faith sorted!

There is a movement called Forest Church which combines some of the Celtic and contemplative traditions of Christianity with the natural world. If you google them you might find something near you.