Edith, I hope you don’t mind the two bits worth of an interested heathen who likes to search for patterns!
Just to concentrate on the first part (Luke 14:26):
If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.
I think that the somewhat overblown language used in this passage could be rationalized in two ways. Firstly, Jesus is availing himself of rabbinic hyperbole to make an impact on the crowd. He knows the love that most accord their families and asks that a love even greater than that be imagined such that familial love seems, in comparison, like hate. Secondly, there is in the air the notion that a time of conflict and judgment is imminent - a time in which family member will be pitted against family member - and the message must be understood in that specific context.
The words also call to mind a description of the anticipated period of discord presented earlier in the same gospel (Luke 12:53). This in turn harks back to the Blessing of Levi (Deuteronomy 33:9) within the Blessing of Moses in the OT where it is said of the Levite that he
said of his father and mother,
‘I regard them not’;
he disowned his brothers
and ignored his children.
For they observed your word
and kept your covenant.
This passage refers to the ‘mini’ day of reckoning in the time of Moses when the Israelites were asked to choose between God and idolatry. The Levites alone were faithful to God and turned against their idolatrous kinsmen to demonstrate that their loyalty to God took precedence over human ties.
In short, then, it seems to me that in the original passage (Luke 14:26) Jesus is telling people in heightened language how they should behave in desperate times and is making oblique reference to the OT story because he fully expects a similar but larger-scale time of reckoning to come soon.
Elsewhere, in contrast, Jesus refers to the commandment honour your father and your mother. (And, by presumable extension, take care of the rest of the family too.) So he is still endorsing this less crazy family-friendly commandment for normal circumstances. Indeed, he declares his distaste for people who opt to put religion before family in a superficial self-serving way that absolves them in their own minds from familial duties (Matthew 15: 3-6).
So, Edith, I think you should feel free to adopt the default peacetime mode of cherishing and supporting your family … at least until the apocalypse!
(Caveat: an outsider’s rambling musings/thesis – please excuse any inaccuracies.)