Feeling really confused - any advice welcome.

[nearlythree]

I think I'm being a bit egocentric starting this thread but I'd really welcome some thoughts/advice/ experiences, esp. from Christians, pagans and anyone in between!

I've always been a Christian - in fact at one point I was going for the priesthood - but my faith has been expressed in different ways throughout my life. During my late twenties I became quite committed and was confirmed as an Anglican. But the church turned out to be quite unpleasant, and my intellectual study of my faith has led me to conclude that much of what Christianity teaches is false or unreliable in terms of the divinity of Jesus, although I still believe in his teachings as to how we should treat one another and ourselves.

My faith doesn't feed me any more. I've had a tough year and I get nothing from my faith, and the less I get the less I want to try. But I have tried, I pray, I read, I go to a different church - but it just isn't happening.

At the same time I've become interested in other spiritual ways. I have been collecting crystals and am starting to meditate. I've decided to get attuned so I can practise Reiki to help heal my children when they are ill. I want to start marking the solstices, and using nature in my sprituality more.

Although this doesn't really form a part of my tradition, it is a part of my family to some extent. My grandmother's family were Irish and I remember during my childhood little 'magic' things like she would never give a bag or purse without putting a coin in it 'so it would never be empty'. I am also sure that my mum described her grandmother as 'a witch'. I've also read a lot of the respected Christian author Elizabeth Goudge's works and her autobiography, and she clearly combined a belief in magic with Christianity.

I think that is what I am trying to do. I'm not interested in tarot or psychic awareness, that's not for me although I have no problem if it is for others. But still I am drawn to something.

If anyone has made it to the end of this, I'd really welcome your thoughts!

Thank you so much!

Hmmm, slightly more difficult for me to come up with as I have always felt drawn to the Craft side.

My best suggestion to be honest would to not let the mentions of witchcraft worry you or put you off. The magic side of the Craft is really no more to a witch than the saying a prayer, going to church side of things for a Christian. I may be reading you wrong, but I get the impression that your fears are standing in the way of you going further with stuff you already believe in.

Read, explore and take what you need as you already are doing. When you find the right path, you will know.

Thanks, StG. To some extent you are right. I am just coming to realise that I've been through this before in a way, when we got married I had a little cottage garden and I had a book on garden spells. Although I never used them I did enjoy the folklore side of it, and thinking there was an angel of our garden - I even made a little house for the toads and frogs! At the time I was still a Christian happy with my faith. It has only in the last 5 or 6 yrs that I have turned away from anything 'pagan' as I became more involved with the church etc. And of course when you are in a church - even a very moderate one - paganism and wirchcraft are seen as totally off limits. And whilst I don't share the church's fear of paganism, it's hard to shake off the feeling that I 'shouldn't' be going near it.

There are also things I just don't believe are true. I don't believe in astrology, for example. I am also reading a book called 'The Charmed Garden' and although I really am enjoying it I can't take on board the idea that certain plants might bring death or bad luck. Does that make sense? (One nice thing about this books is that the author suggests using statuary 'from your own spiritual tradition'.)

I think I remember reading that you have an affinity with herbs? I have been growing them since I was about 18, in fact I think that one of the reasons I'm unhappy in our present house is because I haven't had the chance to plant a herb garden yet, that is my project for the Easter holidays. Our last house was a 17th century cottage and all the herbs I planted dated from the time the cottage was built. This house is a 1960s chalet bungalow.

Anyway, thank you for your help and patience. I am going to look at a couple of the books you have suggested - I have ordered the Celtic Way one already. We shall see what happens...

Yes, I love herbs and grow my own. I have quite an extensive herb garden now but it is all going to have to be dug up when we have our garden overhauled . The good side is I can then redesign it how I really want it

Re bad luck/death etc surrounding plants. If you research deeply enough there is often a very simple reason why some of them have this reputation. Many have strong medicinal properties, often dangerous ones if not handled properly. Of course some of it is just superstition as well.

Feel free to give me a shout whenever you have questions, I am always happy to offer my view of things. Can't promise it will always be helpful though

antlxstew at yahoo dot co dot uk

Thank you very much, StG, that is very kind, I have made a note of your addy and if once I start reading I have any questions I will be in touch.

Can I ask, I read often about the need to protect yourself as a witch or pagan. What does that mean?

nearlythree, you might enjoy 'The Dance of the Dissident daughter', too. It's a womans journey from Christianity to a more female-centric way of doing spiritual things.
I suppose you've probably come across Christo-paganism, too?

Waits for thunderbolt from the sky

Christo-paganism? No, I haven't! Thanks for the book recommendation, it sounds v. interesting. (will need second mortgage soon to pay for them all mind...)

I love that book! It's by Sue Monk Kidd.

You might also like going through some books about gnosticism. The Gospel of Mary Magdalene by Jean-Yves Leloup, Jacob Needleman is a really good one.

Protecting yourself as a pagan or a witch might mean a couple of things, depending on context.

It may be referring to simply keeping your faith private. Unfortunately some people do still find themselves subject to abuse and discrimination because of their faith.

It may also be referring to spiritual protection, often referred to as grounding and protecting (G&P). This is something you might already do if you meditate.

I have some basic instructions written out on how to G&P during meditation. Drop me an email if you want a copy.

It's sad but true that there is still a bit of a stigma around Paganism. We live in an area flooded with Baptists. I do try to watch what I say. Although, the older I get, the less I care

Thanks, St.G, I will mail you - I use an old addy of dh's so if a bloke called Steve appears to be trying to get in touch it's me!

Jabberwocky, I have already read The Gospel of Mary Magdalene, although I have Karen King's transaltion and commentary which is probably a bit drier. I can understand (sadly) the need to keep the fact that you follow the pagan faith private. I don't know anyone who is openly pagan in RL. Our village focusses very much around the church - we have both Anglican and Baptist churches. I get on v. well with the Baptist minister - she has dcs at the school and dd1 loves going to Sunday club as she is friends with her dd - although she knows we have no intention of joining her church as members I do wonder what she'd make of us if she knew the path that I'm taking.

nearlythree, good luck with exploring.. it sounds as if you are simply a very spiritual person, born into one particular faith, but I'm sure you'll end up finding the path which is intrinsic to you.

this old rabbi once said to my aunt that God is at the top of a mountain, and all the different faiths are climbing up the same mountain towards God, taking different paths. this always seemed very apt to me...

anyway wish you all the best!

nearlythree, you may be right about translations. I have read one other and it doesn't "sing" like this one does.

sometimes I'm a bit sad that Paganism/Wicca is so misunderstood by so many people. But, it brings me so much happiness that I can overlook their attitudes now.

Gemmity, I love the mountain analogy. So, so true.

Gemmity, thank you! Although I am a bit worried that right now my spirituality is all about my soul, my journey.

Jabberwocky, Karen King is a respected theologian and expert on gnosticism but I think she sees it as an academic exercise - she is def. a Christian although not sure of her denomination.

I love that your new faith brings you so much joy. There were times when Christianity made me feel like that - but a lot of the time I felt that there was something more I should be doing or being. Lately it's just been frustration at there being nothing there.

nearlythree

How goes your journey?

Hi, squidette! Thanks for your message.

My journey is progressing in baby steps right now - the dcs have been unwell and finding the time to do anything has been hard, and I'm so tired that some nights I've been in bed at 8.30! I think having small children is both a huge boost to my spirituality and a huge hindrence - I have so much more understanding and yet so little time to use it to grow in any way.

Anyway, I have the Way of the Celtic Tradition book recommended by St.G, and when I ordered it I found and ordered another couple of Celtic spirituality books by a man called Donald McKinney. I am really excited by these - I have been interested for years in Celtic Christianity but have found even that too conventional of late. But although this guy states he is a Celtic Christian his ideas and suggestions are far more pagan than any other CC books that I've come across - for example he talks about washing crystals in a stream, or making a ritual for the spirits of the house with fennel biscuits! I'm hoping that this might be the starting point for what I am looking for, and def. feel that my path lies with the Celtic tradition in some way.

I am a little worried how dh will react. Church he can just about cope with, but me offering an angel some biscuits might be beyond him!

So how about you? How is your wish to live more simply going?

Oh, that sounds as though you are finding ideas that are matching your own thoughts - how lovely. One of the great things about exploring is the feeling of being able to investigate your own beliefs, without insisting anyone else believes the same. I do hope your husband extends that same understanding to you.

I too found similar feelings with the arrival of small people - almost like a seesaw. Up one minute with the awe and sheer amazement, joy and wonder of their presense and the other moment down with a sense of loss of time, creative energy and a very blurry path for me personally and as a whole human being on my own. I found it was a bit like a battle of wills and quite a lot of 'all or nothing' thinking - that it either had to be all about them or else i was a bad mother. I have found a pleasant place to sit for the moment - in the middle of the seesaw, not bouncing wildly up and down anymore.

Someone recently reminded me of the Oxygen Mask Rule - look after yourself FIRST, otherwise you will be unable to look after others. Its taken a long time to be able to do that without feeling guilty!

I am doing well on my move to simpler living. I feel energised and alive. A consumer version of a colonic irrigation i think. It is hard too though - as any changes can be, even when they are changes we Want!

Nice to hear from you

Hello, squidette!

The book is v. good, it's just finding the time to put any of it into practise. How many small people do you have? I've had my three all relatively close together so have't really had a break from the chaos and sleepless nights. The dds should be back at school and pre-school after the weekend so at least I will get a little time in the mornings when ds is asleep. It totally changed verything, doesn't it, when you have children? I remember being quite shocked when dd1 was a year and finding I still had teh same interests that I had before she was born, I'd been that wrapped up in her.

Totally agree about the Oxygen Mask thing, I was reminded of that before Christmas when I'd neglected my own health so much I ended up at A&E. Now I make sure I eat well rather than snacking on the run, and I do take time for me when I can.

My dh is very down-to-earth, he just won't get the idea of ritual, at least not outside of a church. But I don't want to keep that side of my life private from him, even though I know he won't join me on my journey (he didn't when I was a more conventional Christian, either.)

Glad your consumer detox is going well. I know you said that you are an atheist but you seem so spiritual. What exactly is it that you do believe in?

Hi, squidette, just wanted to say I might not be around for a while and don't know when I'll be on-line again. Something very bad has happened.

nearlythree

I dont know if you will read this, but if you do, please know i am thinking of you and am really hoping you are coping as best you can with whatever it is that has happened.

Hi squidette - still around although not up to posting much - thanks for your thoughts, they mean a lot. N3 xxx

only just seen this - really hope you are ok nearlythree - i emailed you recently but didn't realise things were bad. Thinking of you.

N3 - just wanted you to know I am praying for you. I'm sad that you seem to be hurting so much, and I just want what's best for you.

Nearlythree - hope you are ok

Thank you. xxxx Still here and on-line atm but things very confused.

If there's anything specifically you want to discuss, I can lend a willing (and nonjudgemental) ear... just email me...

{hug}