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Original poster

Losing faith and can't leave church

68 replies

Doublegloucester · 26/01/2016 22:47

Hi,

Can anyone help me please? Have nc'ed...
Am losing faith in God but have so much invested in church, not going seems impossible. Am PCC member, involved with a couple of Christian organisations and almost all of my friends come from my church. There is going to be a massive church shaped hole in my life if I stop going, but I don't want to be hypocritical and keep taking communion etc....argh...has anyone else been through this? Thanks.

OP posts:

headinhands · 20/03/2016 08:01

Hi op. Maybe it went into her spam folder and she hasn't seen it?

It sounds like you're feeling more comfortable with where you are in your beliefs/non beliefs and that's good obviously.

thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts · 20/03/2016 13:54

If your vicar is usually good about replying then something has happened (vicars get ill, have family crises, crashing computers etc etc) so give her another call.

It sounds like you are in a place that is OK at the moment. Faith changes and that is normal. I don't have the certainty of youth any more and that is fine. My younger self would probably be shocked how much mystery and paradox I can handle and still be orthodox.

EdithSimcox · 22/03/2016 22:20

Re the vicar - it's a massively busy time of year for her. Maybe wait till after Easter to contact her again - she'll have more time then. It is probably a genuine oversight for a good reason but this week might not be the best time to chase.

I do think doubt is essential sometimes. In Stephen Cotterel's book 'How to Pray' there's a chapter called 'when it seems impossible' that made a lot of sense to me.

EdithSimcox · 22/03/2016 23:52

"Faith is holding out your hand in the dark and not knowing it is held. Otherwise faith has become certainty, and this is not the Christian way. Faith is holding out your hand in the dark and believing it is held, even though there are times of great doubt as well as times of great faith. The two belong together. We too often speak and act as if doubt were the opposite of faith. This is not the case. The opposite of doubt is certainty. Doubting is part of believing."

The rest of the chapter is worth reading too.

Original poster

Doublegloucester · 24/03/2016 22:37

Thanks you three

And thank you for sharing that quote Edith.

I can't pray so I think I need that book!

OP posts:

123lekl · 14/04/2016 21:48

Do you have a spiritual director? (Or someone who you can talk to apart from your vicar?) Doubt is a part of faith and faith can be a huge struggle. Prayer is hard when God feels distant or non existent and I wonder whether a SD might help you by listening and talking with you about how you're feeling. It's bit like therapy- it's about faith and if you're CofE your diocese should have a list of SDs..... just a thought xx

123lekl · 14/04/2016 21:48

Oops that should say 'not' like therapy!!!

LarrytheCucumber · 17/04/2016 11:04

This thread has been so helpful to me.
I was brought up in an evangelical tradition where attending Church on Sunday is obligatory or else you are seen to be 'backsliding'.
Something really bad happened in our family before Christmas. I rang someone from church, who I thought was a friend, and told them and they have texted me once since, not visited, phoned up, or offered to pray with me. I know this seems childish but it added to my problems, because I felt let down.
Our current church is Baptist, and they are very happy ( but not clappy). I have really struggled because I am dealing with the original issue, plus feeling let down by my 'friend', plus the fact that I missed church for the whole of March and no one contacted me.
DH has been every week and one of my prayer partners said she saw him and assumed I was in Sunday School or crèche which I suppose is fair enough.
I do have another prayer partner who has been very helpful and supportive.
Last week I walked out part way through and drove round for ages shouting at God, about the original issue.
What reading this thread has shown me is that having a break from Church ( and the equally happy ladies group I go to) is what I need, so I can come to terms with the original issue.
So today I am on my own at home, reading Krish Kandiah's Paradoxology, which I am finding surprisingly helpful.
Sometimes I have sat in church and thought 'This is a load of rubbish'. Thank you to the person who pointed out that the emotional froth is a relatively new concept.

Original poster

Doublegloucester · 18/04/2016 23:39

123, I do have an SD who has been helpful but she charges, and things are tight atm.

Sorry to hear about your friend's attitude, Larry. I also find it scary that churches can leave people a whole month without contacting them (you sound like a normally regular attendee)? I hope a break from church can help you come to terms with the thing that happened before Christmas and give you some peace.

OP posts:

LarrytheCucumber · 19/04/2016 06:18

Me too! I wonder how many other people have just slipped away. I used to be a lot more involved with children's work etc, so people do assume that you are there, just out with the children. I am only an emergency stand in now though, so that doesn't apply.

EdithSimcox · 21/04/2016 20:34

I'm interested in the view that some people think churches would contact someone who is absent a few weeks. I was brought up in a popular suburban CofE church where I'm quite sure no-one noticed who was there from week to week. Of course a real friend might notice - but then they would probably be in touch anyway. I really don't think either vicar or congregation would notice unless you missed something you were supposed to do - reading, coffee, sidesman, whatever. I've assumed both churches I now attend are the same - though my attendance is far too erratic anyway to test the point. If someone needs support I'd have thought the usual thing is for them to contact the priest or pastoral care team - not expect them to somehow know... Am I wrong? It would be lovely to imagine that churches are more proactive than that, but I'd be surprised.

thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts · 21/04/2016 21:22

Different sized churches operate in different ways. In a small church of up to 50 people then it is fairly easy to see who is missing and as the vicar I'd be checking that they were OK. In larger churches of up to 100 or so it is easier to be anonymous but in churches of 150+ it gets really hard to know everyone. One of my colleagues was vicar at a student church with 1000+ every week. He was good with names but not that good!

Different sized churches suit different people. When I was a new Christian I liked the really big churches as I could just dip my toe in the water. These days I try really hard to know the names of all my congregation of 80 or so people but some people are really hard to get to know as they turn up after the service has started and beat me to the door at the end. If that level of anonymity works for them on their spiritual journey that is absolutely fine but I can't call to see how you are if you have missed a few weeks if I don't know your name or phone number......

EdithSimcox · 21/04/2016 21:33

Thanks greenheart, makes sense. In my weekday church, I go to a service with a congregation of about 5. The rector did ask my name once, but in the many months since hasn't shown much interest. I'm torn between telling her how hugely important her church (the building primarily!) has been to me, and trying to get to know them a bit, and assuming that no-one is interested. Of course they may be thinking I'm stand-offish.

123lekl · 21/04/2016 21:53

Our church tries hard (as a ministry team) to notice when people are missing and stay in touch, especially older people who may need communion home etc. But in reality it is hard, especially in a big church

123lekl · 21/04/2016 21:54

There's a hospitality team and church wardens can often notice if people stop coming ( especially as a lot of people have a regular pew!!) I think vicars visiting people or calling them is a way of people feeling they still belong and also an opportunity to talk through any issues

LarrytheCucumber · 21/04/2016 22:33

Our church makes a big deal of being 'family'. We have a directory with everyone's name, address and phone number.
I think I was being a bit childish being upset because no one got in touch, but that is just part of how I have been feeling.

EdithSimcox · 21/04/2016 22:47

larry I didn't mean to imply anything at all about your situation - certainly not that you were being childish. Having a directory like that sounds lovely - but only if people use it - in that situation I think you were right to be disappointed.

LarrytheCucumber · 22/04/2016 08:15

I had discussed it with my prayer partner earlier in the day Edith and that was when I decided I sounded a bit childish, not when I read your post, don't worry.

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