Losing faith and can't leave church

[Doublegloucester]

Hi,

Can anyone help me please? Have nc'ed...
Am losing faith in God but have so much invested in church, not going seems impossible. Am PCC member, involved with a couple of Christian organisations and almost all of my friends come from my church. There is going to be a massive church shaped hole in my life if I stop going, but I don't want to be hypocritical and keep taking communion etc....argh...has anyone else been through this? Thanks.

Many years ago when my children were small, I plucked up courage one day, and said to my OH,"I don't want to go to church any more." To my great surprise, he replied, "No, nor do I." I was very relieved and felt as though a huge weight had dropped away from me. I haven't been back except for family occasions etc.

Might be worth a try!

I'd agree with going to a Friends/Quaker meeting. I'm an atheist these days but if I have ever found real spiritual comfort anywhere in lots of different states of belief, it's in the Society of Friends.

I was raised as, and was quite a devout Christian in my youth.

I now follow an Earth-based spiritual path and, though I do sometimes project my ideas into a female, human-shaped form, that's not what I believe In, if you can understand what I mean?

I sometimes question my beliefs, I struggle with the inhumanity and materialism in society. I try to walk, to be outside, to meditate, to listen to my inner voice, to read and sometimes to talk to others.

I don't know what I am trying to tell, just to say you are not alone, you sound like a good person who needs some space to reflect and to move on in some way.

It is hard to change when the fabric of your life is caught up with the Church as a practical place, an organisation.

May I second, it may be third even, the Quakers? Wonderful people, kind and who offer a very safe space for everyone.

When I lost my faith I kept going to church as I was in the choir. Used to have a blessing Instesd of communion as to not go up to the altar at all would have drawn attention

As time went on i became more and more Uncomfortable saying the prayers and responses so I stopped, only noticeable by the choir members nearest.

But after a while I just felt I couldn't do that either, I felt such a hypocrite listening to others saying things I felt were nonesense.

I am in a village so a lot centres around the church and I still support any community ventures and supply cakes etc but I won't attend services, I felt such a relief when I stopped attending.

I try and be a good person and to help others. I can do that alone

fairhair, thanks - although I'd be sad in some ways to leave, I can see what you mean about a weight dropping away!

Thanks annandale and earthymama, I will have to look into the Quakers properly. Your spiritual path sounds nice, earthymama.

mrhanky, I cam see myself doing similar. I have also been involved in leading music and it's odd singing and playing hymns when you don't really believe in the God they're praising. I just try and appreciate the more tuneful ones in terms of their musical quality...

Hi I have been going through what you describe in the past 6 months. Has been incredibly painful. Woke up one morning, felt I was suddenly an atheist. That was a big change as I'd considered myself a christian for over 30 years despite not having a religious background originally.

I feel for you. It is very disorientating. I read an article on line, suggested going to church and partcipating as you can. So eg only sing what you can do authentically. Have been doing this.

You might also want to google mudroom blog, "when you feel like you're losing your faith". Sorry can't do links! That really helped me. Others are going through this too!

I have moved on. Am rediscovering faith slowly. I think something in me just rejected all the "trappings" of christian faith in this culture and I needed to go back to the beginning and rediscover the core. If that makes sense.

And I do think part of it is God allowing us to grow up, be responsible for ourselves.

Have you done any reading on the dark night of the soul?

Op, if you feel like I did, the hardest bit was knowing no one could help me, if I spoke to a Christian they would ultimately want me to believe in God, if I spoke to an atheist they would also come at it from a place of non-belief so I had to work through it myself. Anyone I spoke to would just want me to come to their conclusion, because they thought they were right, as you do. I did find that quite strange. I think you're past that stage now and at the stage where you're feeling that disconnect between how you feel and what you are doing.

In the early days of my deconversion I too knew the beliefs that I didn't want to let go of, and it's not necessary. In fact I see that it was my overriding beliefs of humanity and compassion that had actually heralded the loss of my faith such as the biblical view of certain groups. So far from those core values being in danger of being weakened, they became stronger due to letting go of religion.

Faith is not always the kind of thing you can consider from outside a spiritually active life-it's too relational.

This. I have been struggling for months to explain that to someone. lost or anyone, can you explain it further?

dnwig, thank you for sharing and for the links. I can identify with the 'woke up one morning' feeling. I will have a look at the dark night of the soul. Mudroom looks good.

headinhands, yes, your first para is spot on.

Yes, just because I'm losing God, I still have a choice about which beliefs I hold on to. That is quite reassuring.

NC, yes I would like a bit more on that too. I need new ways to keep myself spiritually nourished and this thread has given me some very helpful suggestions.

headinhands,

Sorry, don't know why headinhands appears twice in that post!

I feel a bit like the Christian headinhands speaks about who will ultimately want to try to convince you to believe in God, so I'm going to preface this by saying that you may well have definitively decided that you don't believe, and that's absolutely fine, I am definitely not going to argue with you about what you should or shouldn't believe. I wish you luck whatever the future brings and this is not a (semi-covert) conversion attempt.

My perspective is that I quite often have to talk to people whose faith has been emotionally-based and try to get them to see that equating belief with feelings is probably unhelpful (as well as a really late development in the history of the Church). Emotions are sort of surface-level responses which are affected by hormones, external circumstances and so on. It's great when we 'feel' in touch with God, but it's not the primary basis of our faith. Faith is an assent of the intellect and will, which means we make a decision to believe (with grace) and that decision abides no matter whether we can feel God's presence or not. As previous posters have said, this is often related to a stripping away of false images of God (sitting on a cloud with the thunderbolts type thing), which can help growth into a deeper faith.

You may or may not find it a helpful comment in your particular circumstances. What I would normally suggest to people in the above situation is to renew their prayer life, especially mental prayer and prayer with Scripture, and try to trust God. And also to pray for faith. Like I say, feel free to decide that's not the approach for you.

Thanks Fink. Unfortunately I think my current belief that God doesn't exist is intellectually rather than emotionally based.

Although a key part of my belief in God was that desire to be held, and carried through by God, it was actually quite rare that I experienced God's presence on an emotional level. I think it was that desire for a mental 'comfort blanket' that kept me going, and I found it in the idea of God.

Now I can look back and see that actually I was missing having that strong parental guidance in my life (now my parents are more reliant on me than vice versa) and my poor old brain drove me to construct a replacement parent figure.

Next weekend is going to be quite tough. Lots of churchy stuff on...important stuff I can't miss. I haven't been for a couple of weeks so people will want to talk. Argh. The week after that though, I think I shall be going to the Quakers

Just popping this here in case as time goes by you don't feel you can keep going, but are left with too big a church shaped hole that you want to fill...

www.sundayassembly.com

It doesn't exist in the country where I live. But I can see the appeal.

It's up to you to keep your personal integrity and whatever level of practice that means you feel you can or can't participate in, but I wouldn't worry too much about churchy stuff coming up at the weekend:
a) most people are too wrapped up in their own concerns to notice who does and doesn't take communion or other little things that may seem like a big deal to the person concerned but really aren't that obvious.

b) I once had to deal with gossipy people in my church being too concerned with my personal life. I spoke to the priest about it and a swift (non-personal) reminder was delievered from the pulpit about minding one's own business!

c) as long as you're not trying to lead worship, just participating in flower arranging, bell ringing, coffee mornings etc. doesn't imply any level of belief and I wouldn't be at all surprised to find lots of people with difficulties and doubts about their faith heavily involved in churchy activities. I don't think there's anything at all hypocritical about joining in with whatever you're happy doing without telling everyone about your faith.

d) You could always just chat to the people about other things. "I haven't seen you for a couple of weeks, how's ... doing?" Talk to them about their own lives if you want to deflect attention from yours!

Have you identified where the loss of faith stems from? Did something happen or was there a gradual ebbing away?

I stopped going to church ages ago, ironically in order to protect my faith, because I do believe in God and all the rituals and 'praise the way we tell you to or you're not a proper Christian' nonsense felt like being bullied at school. It was a huge relief to stop going.

Do you miss your faith, or do you just feel honesty and relief? If you miss it, there's no reason why you couldn't attend an Alpha or Christianity Explained course at another church. And there's also no reason why you shouldn't continue to attend church for whatever reasons you have. I'm not trying to keep you in the fold, but as a believer, I'd say God will be fine with you turning up for social sustenance while you are going through this period of doubt, however you come out the other side of it. He's there to prosper you and not to do you harm, as it says in Jeremiah.

Thanks ipost - sadly the Sunday Assembly near me seems to be on hold at the moment, which is a shame.

Thanks Fink, your post is reassuring

notagiraffe, my loss of faith came on quite suddenly, although I'd been having difficulties at church for a while (child noise related) which meant I haven't been feeling 'nourished' for a long while.
That's interesting re: stopping going to church to protect your faith.
I feel a certain amount of relief at not believing in God anymore. I always felt like I was jumping through hoops trying to justify my faith to myself.

I did think maybe the unitarians would be an option but I think I would be the youngest in our local congregation by about 30 years, and whilst there's nothing wrong with that, I might stand out a bit!

I always felt like I was jumping through hoops trying to justify my faith to myself

I am on the opposite path to you OP so your perspective is really interesting. I lost faith 25+ years ago, and refound it last year. But I tied myself up in knots for months trying to explain and justify it - both to myself and to others. I have finally now begun to accept that you can just 'know' something without being able to explain it. That is a relief to me. Interesting that for you it is just the opposite!

I definitely think you can go to church whether you believe or not, and pick and choose which bits are useful or meaningful for you. It's not an all or nothing thing (for me anyway).

hmm. Sounds like your church isn't a very nourishing place to be. It's hard to keep faith if you are surrounded by people who think they are morally superior to atheists and yet behave like some of the meanest spirited most judgemental people around. In my experience, a lot of very petty, mean-spirited people pride themselves on what they think is their Christian generosity which is actually quite stinting. They would be gobsmacked to know how generous hearted and morally sound many atheists are. Like I said, I left church to keep my love of God in tact. There is no right way to worship, except the one which brings you spiritual sustenance and happy proximity to God. If you believe, that is. No need to force it. But nor is there a need to make a decision either way when you are in a period of doubt.

Were you made to feel unwelcome due to your children making noise? To be fair to my old church, the one thing they got completely right was how welcoming they were to children. Toddlers could run up and down the aisles waving superman toys and hooting at the tops of their lungs and all the vicar or congregation would do is smile fondly. It made exhausted, frazzled parents feel included at a time when they really needed to. There are very family friendly churches around.

It's interesting to hear your perspective Edith, thank you.

notagiraffe, yes, I have had comments on my toddler's noise. Some of the congregation are really good with children, others not so much.

Today has actually been ok. I managed to talk to my friend briefly who said she'll come round for a chat, which will help.

Weirdly, it was quite nice just being in the church for the service and listening to everyone else do the singing and praying.

I am due to continue a church related course I have started which involves slight elements of leadership and lots of having to assert belief in God. It takes place over quite a long period of time. Do the Christians amongst you think I should leave the course?

I have paid for it so the church wouldn't lose out.
I have been faith free for about a month now.
Grateful for any thoughts.

How would you feel about it op? In reality it won't harm anyone but your own sense of peace. I think it also depends how vulnerable the people you'd be leading are. Would the role put you in a specific role of trust, such as counselling, or is it more non specific such as leading worship?

I would be guided my own conscience. I certainly don't think that you have to give it up, or even that you should; maybe you just need to spend a bit of time pondering what is right for you and for the group. I think I would be inclined to stay if I was enjoying it, and not if the asserting belief in God made me feel uncomfortable.
Also one month faith free doesn't seem long. It may last, but there's also the possibility that it may not. And you may change your mind again next week, in 40 years time, anytime or never. So perhaps also think about how you would feel in the future about staying or going in those different scenarios.

Just to update this thread:

Firstly, thanks for your replies headinhands and EdithSimcox - sorry I thought I'd replied to you at the time.

Still lost my belief in God. Still can't pray. Still been pressurised to take on some church stuff.
Still going to my course in the hope that one day I may regain my faith and it might be useful.

Have decided to adopt a memorialist stance to taking communion and just seeing it as a remembrance of the Last Supper.

I've spoken to the friend I mentioned earlier in the thread and had a really nice chat. She is very supportive and has gently suggested we try out a meditation class nearby that doesn't require faith but which might give me a.bit of peace. So that's nice.

Also spoken to someone else who reassured me how normal the process of doubt is and basically encouraging me to stick with it.

Emailed my Vicar to arrange a time to talk but didn't get a reply. Surprised and disappointed as my email account assures me it's been sent and she is usually the type to reply straight away. Haven't been brave enough to speak to her in person so just leaving that one for the moment.

So that's about it for now!