Converting to Islam

[DancingGoose]

Hi everyone

Please can anyone give me some info on what it means for me to convert to Islam and perhaps give me some advice on how to find out if it's a religion I might like to pursue.

Background is I've grown up in the UK - come from a not particularly religious family. I'd describe myself as a spiritual person and I believe in God, although I don't especially practice any formal religion.

I've met a Muslim Arab man who is working over here. We've discussed having a future and it would mean me converting. I'm happy to find out about Islam to see if I can connect with it but I am unnerved with all the lifestyle changes.

I know some will be suspicious of his intentions ie passport etc which is fair enough. I know there is this risk and we have discussed it. As much as I can I feel reassured that he doesn't have ulterior motivations of this kind. He currently has an Israeli passport. He is very open, happy to answer any questions I have and happy to hear my concerns. He hasn't put any pressure on me to convert or anything, but has made it clear that this is how he would like to live his life and it is important to him.

I'd like to chat with other Muslim women to see what life is like because at the moment I am trying to work it out on my own and it's impossible to really get a sense of it without talking to other people.

Thanks in advance

Saying he wants to be more religious in the future, i.e. when he's married is a huge red flag for me.

Either he wants to be more religious or he doesn't, so do it right now. Saying he wants it in his future, and when married suggests he expects the sort of lifestyle that would work very well for him indeed, but not for his wife at all. And it's not really anything to do with religion (well, it is, but that's very much my negative interpretation of all organised religions).

I'd be a extremely wary, and wanting him to front up, and make whatever commitments he needs to make to his own religion (since he's asking you to do the same) before you marry. So that you can see what you'd be getting yourself in for.

No we are not living together. Just dating, which I know is also against the rules.

I know I don't have to convert, but it seems to be important to him to end up in an Islamic marriage. I can't dispute that, can I? Lots of people in all religions prefer to marry someone who has similar beliefs/practices.

The more I talk about it the more unlikely the whole thing feels anyway :/

Perhaps he's only saying it to prevent our relationship moving forward anyway :/

I agree Dowager

I agree with dowager regarding red flags. That's exactly what I meant.

I just thought he meant he recognises he's not really practicing much at the moment (ie not praying 5x a day) and he feels bad about it.

And he can easily fix that right now, if he so wishes.

I'm Jewish and married a Lutheran. The only thing up for discussion was how we raise our DC with regards to religion. DH never asked me to convert and I didn't ask him either.

How did you raise them, if you don't mind me asking?

Sometimes I feel like he needs other people to keep him on track - and that he has a kind of hope that whoever his wife is will help him with this.

I believe if something is really important to you, you do it because you want to, not because someone else doing it has made you feel motivated or guilty enough to finally get on and do it. We disagree on this point.

I have met lots of moderate muslim men. There seems to be an idea amongst them that their future wife must be very pious and practicing in order to provide the type of Islamic family they expect their children to grow up in. Whether they will then become more religious or pious is very much up for debate. Based on these men's ideas of how they will be in the future and how that future never seems to arrive, I'd say not likely.
Be very, very careful here. You cannot carry him and his children into a pious religious life and nor should you be expected to.

A friend of mine married a man who wanted to be more religious and married her because she could help him become the man he wanted to be..... That didn't end well.

Your dp will expect children to be bought up as Muslims and probably be better than he is.

I wouldn't agree to do it, I'd warn off religious sisters from him too.

He can be as wonderfully religious as he wants right now. Nothing is stopping him.

We agreed to raise them Lutheran but with an understanding of Judism. That means that they are baptized but we acknowledge Jewish holidays so the kids are exposed to both. DS is not circumcised and we don't eat kosher (we eat pork at least once a week).

We also live in the US where a mixed marriage in terms of marriage is far more common compared to the UK. In DDs school she isn't unique in having parents from different religions. I think that makes it easier for both us and the DC.

From a personal perspective I would be wary of a man wanting me to change my religion. It is quite fundamental to who you are, although I never realized that was the case until after I was married and I saw the differences first hand.

Just really think this through and speak to him about it because he might not realize that he is asking you to change who you are.

Want2b - I'm interested to know in what way Judaism is "fundamental" to you. For me, passing it on to the children is the biggie. It would be very strange for me bringing up kids as Lutherans, especially given Luther's views on Jews.

When you are different religions there are going to be huge differences in culture that you as a couple have to work through. It's why so many older people will say don't marry someone from a different religion. It does make it harder.

DH is Lutheran so if I had such a huge issue with my kids being raised in the Lutheran church I wouldn't have married DH. I am not overtly religious and in our family we are using religion as a way to teach the kids right from wrong. We keep it light and once the DC are old enough we plan to expose them to all religions. The huge downside of the U.S. separating church and school is that there is no formal religious education. The teachers try to sneak it in but it ends up being a disjointed lesson so often the kids end up confused. We have mosques, temples and churches all close by who hold education sessions for children.

Also, could I point out to the OP, a post up the thread from stairway, a western Muslim convert:

"I am married to an Arab and converted 7 years ago. Being a Muslim is easy as it is simply a belief in Allah and the profets. Depending on how practising you are or your husband makes you practice will depend if or how your life would change.

I'm not very practising and my life is pretty much like other English women's.We celebrate the Eids and Ramadan which is great. I still visit my parents for Xmas but nolonger go to church. A very strict muslim husband might say I can't see my parents at Xmas '.

I appreciate that this poster herself says she isn't a devout Muslim, but seems to take it for granted that a Muslim husband has an alarming amount of control over his wife's level of devoutness?

OP, to add, having lived in the ME, there was a distinct trend among local young Muslim men to sow their wild oats and then placate their families by marrying someone devout (often a family member) and imposing an extremely strict lifestyle on her now as a 'family man'. Then, this being the ME, it was frequently followed some time later, if he was wealthy, with the acquisition of another, sometimes foreign, 'fun' wife, whose religion wasn't important at all.

Obviously if you marry this man in the UK, he cannot bring pressure to bear on you to accept another wife, so that's not relevant, but I'm just pointing out that I've very often, in more than one country, come across young men who aren't currently practising Muslims - which is why they're out dating - who have a rosy imaginary future of married piety and respectability all mapped out, rather as people who are always about to go on a diet glut themselves on chocolate because they're starting tomorrow. Do you really want to get mixed up in someone else's conflicted future dreams of religious strictness, or blamed later on for not leading him in the paths of righteousness, and reminding him of the bad old days when he dated and didn't pray?

Thanks for your post Siege. The more I think about this situation the more I think you might be right. I've felt disconcerted at times by how easy he finds being in our relationship when so much of it goes against his beliefs. And I find it odd that he is willing to lie to his family about it. I don't think i could lie to my family so easily and for a period of time about something which I know would upset them.

So perhaps he is just having a good time away from his family and society, and has never really seriously considered marrying me. And perhaps he will be one of those men who end up marrying a 'suitable' girl from back home who will meet his religious requirements for marriage and life. There doesn't seem to be much I can do about any of it :/

I do believe he has strong feelings for me, I can tell by he way he is with me, but I guess this is not enough ultimately. It makes me feel very sad to think our relationship will end one day due to these kind of reasons rather than because of how we feel about each other.

I would definitely not feel comfortable in a relationship with someone who was actively covering it up and lying to their family- have you never met them? If you're thinking of long term plans then that seems like a very basic essential step. Have there been any other intercultural marriages or relationships on his side?

No, I haven't met them. They are not in the UK.

I can only think of one cousin he has mentioned who has married outside the culture - he married a women from the USA.

It's good but hard to talk about this. The more we discuss it the more I am starting to think he acting in ways I would never accept if it was someone from my own culture (i.e not telling parents), but I have been justifying it to myself because of the religious aspect - which leaves me feeling on the back foot and powerless.

I feel so conflicted.

Our relationship is so close and lovely. I feel so great when we are together and I believe he feels he same.

Yet I read all this and I feel like I am being so naive and stupid.

Him not telling his parents that you are a couple would worry me an awful lot. Both sets of parents knew DH and I were dating and DH asked for my dads permission to propose. My dad was wary and talked to me about taking the relationship slowly so we could learn more about each other and close any cultural gaps before getting engaged. We moved in together after we were engaged and it was just over a year before we married.

I would want a darn good explaination as to why he hasn't told his parents about you. If he can't be honest with them or you then I would end the relationship. You are worth so much more.

Dancing, please take it from someone who knows how this should be mapping out for you - your situation has warning signs written all over it.

My sons, both Muslims, are married to Europeans and how they've gone about it is totally different to how this bloke is 'courting' you. I also have a nephew married to a European and again - he did things very differently to your bloke.

The ME has plenty of very successful cross cultural marriages and based on a lifetime of experience I think your situation is only going to end in tears. I doubt you'll get much further than being a girlfriend and if you were my daughter Id be telling you to get out now and cry for a week rather than give give this another year of your life and cry for months after it all.

You seem like a lovely person and I wish you all the best that life has to offer.

idea*

Sansoora, can you give me an how should this be mapping out?

Xenu1 is chatting bollocks.

Surah An Nisa is a lot about women's rights!