abuse, masturbation and porn - please help!

[StrugglingChristian]

I'm scared of writing this but I know it's something I desperately need help with. I've name changed as I'm quite ashamed of it all. From the ages of 13 - 18, I was in a relationship with someone who sexually and emotionally abused me. This has left me with serious issues being sexually intimate with anyone. I'm now 25 and struggle to have sex with DH. I still get urges but find it hard to let go with DH and actually enjoy sex. So, sometimes I turn to masturbation. But, I can't even do that without looking at porn. I know this is so wrong, but I can't help it sometimes. But then when I do watch porn, I feel absolutely awful afterwards and often turn to self-harm - a coping mechanism I've struggled with for years. I don't like the path I'm leading myself down but I'm finding it so hard to turn off it. I feel like I can't talk to anyone in real life as I'm so ashamed. I pray all the time asking for forgiveness and asking for help to get off this awful path. Please help, I don't know what to do :(

Also, my ex used to watch porn all the time and I found it disgusting. He even filmed us having sex a few times, I was just 15 at the time :( - something else I feel ashamed of but am learning to accept through counselling it wasn't my fault that happened. So I feel like to watch porn now makes me just as bad as him.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this and for what you've gone through. I really suggest counselling to help you come to terms with the abuse and how it is shaping your life currently. I would also add that masturbation is not wrong, nor is porn (may it help to find porn from directors who only use professional actors - just in case part of your concern is due to worries the women in the films may not be fully consenting?) ... but I appreciate where you have posted this so my opinion (a stranger) may not mean much to you as

Hello OP, I'm so sorry you've been through so much and you're struggling with your sexual expression.

I think the first thing to do is have a think about how you can get some support to resolve the issues stemming from the abuse you suffered. You could approach your GP and ask to be referred for counselling on the NHS (you don't have to tell the GP specifically why.) You can seek a private counsellor or therapist at BACP - you can look for someone who specifically deals with abuse recovery. If you regularly attend church, you could also ask your vicar or priest for guidance - however I would stress that the issue here is you overcoming your past abuse NOT just "please stop me masturbating".

As far as that goes, I think you are masturbating because it is "safer" than having sex with someone who might hurt or abuse you. In some way you may be subconsciously seeking out porn films which mirror your own experiences, in an attempt to try to take control over your past. But this is leaving you feeling conflicted and ashamed. I think if you can work on your trauma with the help of a trained professional, you will be able to have more intimacy with your partner and feel the need for masturbation less.

That is not to say that masturbation itself is a problem, and neither is ethical porn. (If you're looking for that, googling the Feminist Porn Awards would be a great start.) But clearly your feelings around your use of porn are very conflicted and upsetting to you, and that's something that needs to be resolved.

Struggling I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with good advice here about getting professional counsellor and not feeling gulty about things that have happened to you (they are not your fault) or about masturbation, which is not wrong. I also agree with pocketsaviour that you may be using masturbation rather than sex because it feels safer and easier to manage.

You do say in your second post that you are having counselling. Can I ask if this is professional counselling and not just a person from church etc? It is important you get professional help. You also mention self-harm and hopefully you can get some help for this. If you Google 'self harm' you get a couple of charities, no idea if these are any good but might be worth a look.....

www.harmless.org.uk/

www.selfharm.co.uk/

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/#.VV5OQUajtWQ

www.nshn.co.uk/

The experiences you had may have caused you a kind of trauma you are finding it impossible to move on from. Although prayer is very helpful, Christians do not normally aviod medical help and just go for prayer if there is something wrong with their body. The mind is part of the body and so with our minds when they are hurt or damaged by traumatic experiences etc it is important to seek proper medically qualified support and help as well as praying. I suffered from anxiety about 15 years ago, I got a lot of prayer for it but it never went away. My lovely GP refered me to the local hospital for counselling and I was made better very quickly. I am sure God helped to heal me, but I needed professional help.

I am not sure how long you have been seeing your current counsellor but if in the long run (or the short run!) this does not work for you, please seek help again and ask for specialist help for the abuse you have suffered.

Does your husband know all about the past? I am not saying he should, it is your life to tell or not to tell. I am asking because if he does understand it may help him to be understanding when you are together.

Also, in my humble opinion it may be helpful for someone to support you. Is your husband able to help and support as well as to advocate for you? By this I mean if you can't get the counselling you need, can he help you to get the right help?

If not, is there another person who can help you? Important that they are not judgemental. So you do not feel alone and you have another non-judgemental and caring person who can tell you that you are not to blame for what happened and for what this has done to cause this effect in you?

The thing that shouts out from your posts is that you feel ashamed and I absolutely want to shout back at you (in the nicest possible way) that you do not need to be ashamed for things that happened to you in the past.

Remember Jesus loves you very much and you are a special and wonderful person who needs some help to make sense and move on from the pain of the past.

I sincerely hope this message is not over the top with too much information etc. please only look up what seems helpful in terms of the websites I cannot vouch for them I just Googled them.

It seems clear that the self harm is in some way tied into the abuse and I don't think you will necessarily be able to tackle one without the over but I don't know, as it is outside of my experience. I have a dear friend who also had an abusive past, and is a lovely Christian lady who also self harmed - and so your responses to the past are probably quite common and understandable. Again this is all reason not to feel guilty or terrible for what you are doing but to find the help you need. Lots of people masturbate and I don't think it is a problem, but I can see for you it is a problem in relation to your relationship and maybe is just an indicator of your inner turmoil. Please do surround yourself with non-judgemental people.

Bless you.

StrugglingChristian I am currently on a course called Freedom in Christ and feel it would be an ideal course to help you overcome the difficulties you are experiencing. It's based on the books of Dr Neil Anderson, Victory Over The Darkness and The Bondage Breaker. There's a website: www.ficm.org.uk. You can do the course by yourself, or find a church that is running it near you - or suggest your church runs the course (that's what I did!). There's a book of testimonies called, "Songs of Freedom" edited by Eileen Mitson. I think it might be best if you started with that. I read it and found that I could really identify with one of the stories it included. I felt that if Freedom in Christ could help that person, then it could help me. I'm only 4 weeks into the course and it's made a huge difference already.

I'm so sorry you're having such an unhappy time, OP. I do know of a couple of good therapists (based in London) and I would say that the key issue with a therapist is finding one who is the right 'fit' for you. Some therapists are just not very good and others will be very helpful to some people but less so to others (it's to do with your outlook and personality and the way you learn, etc.)

I would also suggest that if you are, as is the case with some people, concerned with the wellbeing of porn performers and this is fuelling your distress, you could try erotic fiction instead.