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Original poster

torn between leaving and working it out - help with a christian perspective

23 replies

Fedupofthisshit · 16/04/2015 14:56

Hi All,

I posted this in relationships and got the expected response of leave him. But to me, that doesn't feel very Christian and I so badly want things to work out between us. To keep things brief, DP has been out of work for over a year now. It's causing us so many problems as I hate where I'm working but I keep going as I'm the only one earning and haven't managed to find something else. It seems like DP just sits on his arse all day and expects me to do it all. He's in college at the moment as we thought it'd boost his employability but it hasn't helped at all and we're both super stressed having no money. He says he's been looking for work for the last few months but hasn't got anywhere. Yesterday he went out with a friend and spent the afternoon in the pub. He only bought one pint but then he had the audacity to moan at me for spending money - on essential things and a gift for a family member's birthday! He has the occasional part time shift and his contribution this month comes to a grand total of £50! Yet he thinks it's justifiable him spending the money because of that £50. Our rent alone is £500, his contribution doesn't even come close to all that we spend! I asked if he'd applied for the jobs he'd mentioned spotting, he says no! Today he spent the morning looking for work and said just because I don't see him applying all the time it doesn't mean he doesn't. We have no kids together but he has a DC from his previous relationship - which of course I'm paying for - not maintenance but general day to day things + things like uniform and school trips. Don't get me wrong I love DSS but he's not my child and I shouldn't have to constantly foot the bill - I wouldn't mind if he was earning too but it's the expectation of me paying I can't stand. I honestly don't know why I'm still here! I keep hoping that he'll actually get off his arse and be more proactive in looking for work but then I guess why would he when I've enabled him for so long? I really don't know what to do. Part of me thinks maybe the job market is harder than I think - he's only had one proper job since leaving school whereas I went to uni and got a good degree plus worked part time throughout my degree. So perhaps I'm just far more employable and it's harder for him? I keep praying about things but it hasn't really made things any clearer. Told him he's got until the end of May to find a job as per someone's advice on relationships board and he says he's trying but I really don't know :(

OP posts:
Vivacia · 16/04/2015 18:48

What were your vows? For better for worse? Did you pledge him all of your worldly goods?

Original poster
Fedupofthisshit · 16/04/2015 18:53

We're not married yet but still, I can see where you're coming from.

Not sure what you mean by the second part?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 16/04/2015 18:54

Are you asking what Christianity has to say about having a sexual relationship outside of marriage? Confused

Original poster
Fedupofthisshit · 16/04/2015 19:51

No. Just feel like I'm having a shit time of it right now and don't know whether to stay or to leave him.

OP posts:
poocatcherchampion · 16/04/2015 19:57

Mine is an often unpopular Christian opinion, but if you are living together unmarried then I dont think you are doing what God prefers in the first instance...

Vivacia · 16/04/2015 19:59

Fedup how would you feel about talking to a vicar about this?

bakingtins · 16/04/2015 20:05

Are you engaged? Or intending to marry him? If you haven't made promises then what the wedding vows say is irrelevant. I think the Christian thing to do would be to forgive him 'seventy times seven' but since you are not yet 'yoked together' I'd take a long hard look at the man you are proposing to share life's burdens with. There's a difference between trying desperately and struggling to find work in a difficult economy and being prepared to sit back and let someone else take the strain.

Original poster
Fedupofthisshit · 16/04/2015 23:17

Would love to talk to our vicar but he's so busy it's really hard to pin him down. We are engaged but not set a date yet. baking thanks for the reminder of forgiving 77 times. Kind of hard to do when someone won't stop swearing at you though. I've asked him countless times to please stop swearing and he won't :(

OP posts:
VanitasVanitatum · 16/04/2015 23:23

He doesn't sound at all the kind of man to spend your life with. Being Christian doesn't mean you should make bad choices. You have not yet married this man and you absolutely should not.

Do you think it would be the Christian thing to do to bring children into this kind of situation?

VanitasVanitatum · 16/04/2015 23:25

*cant really criticise him for swearing when your username contains a swear word...?

Seriouslyffs · 16/04/2015 23:31

A tradition Christian pov would be that he should be providing for and looking after you. It would also suggest that you should be chaste! Wink
Shock I've just re read and seen that he 'contributes' £50 and your rent is £500!!
He's a cocklodger and taking advantage of your good nature. Please don't even think of marrying him.

Original poster
Fedupofthisshit · 17/04/2015 00:37

Fair enough vanitas about the swearing but I'm not swearing at or around him whereas every other word with him is f'ing this and f'ing that after I've specifically asked him not to.

Turns out a job he applied for last week has got back to him offering him it. Don't worry seriously I've no intention of marrying him unless he takes this (or another) full time job and starts paying his way.

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 17/04/2015 06:33

That's good. I think from a Christian pov the relationship doesn't really fit and rules about tolerance, kindness and love are leading to you be walked over. I also think that as you're unmarried there's no reason you can't split up.
Your faith is obviously very important- look for a Christian next time, not because we're all perfect but you can both use the same techniques to work and live together.

Lovelydiscusfish · 17/04/2015 06:48

Hi OP, I'm Christian and a divorcee, so my faith didn't prevent my LingTB, and I suggest yours shouldn't here either. It's not just the job thing (sounds like he has sorted that) - the constant swearing at you is disgusting and abusive. I've nothing against swearing in general (and think the point made by a pp about your user name was strange and completely missed the point of what you were saying), but swearing AT someone is completely different, it's horrible, and for your own emotional safety you should get out, when this becomes a constant or frequent thing.
Good luck!

Original poster
Fedupofthisshit · 17/04/2015 11:40

He says that he's not swearing at me and is just swearing in general. But there's no need to swear so much! It's not constant in that it's every day, it's just every time we have an argument.

I think we'll see how this next month goes with him starting his new job and go from there.

OP posts:
cheapskatemum · 23/04/2015 20:52

Fwiw I don't understand why you are paying for things for his child. If child benefit doesn't stretch that far and he can't afford things for his DS, then the child has to go without. I wish your DP well in his new job and hope he swears less at you having been offered it!

fulltothebrim · 23/04/2015 23:02

cocklodger. Get rid.

And be thankful your christian values don't run so deep to have been married to this guy.

Original poster
fedupofthisshit · 26/04/2015 11:01

cheapskate he's not the one getting child benefit though - DP's ex gets the child benefit & child tax credit.

He seems to be in a far better mood since being offered the job :)

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupofthisshit · 26/04/2015 11:10

Anyway it's irrelevant now as he'll start getting paid soon. Fwiw I have no issue spending money on my DSS and when both earning i think as a couple money should be shared rather than segregated. Obviously he wasn't earning much before and that was an issue, but now he is (or will be when he gets his first pay) it's not a problem.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 30/04/2015 19:11

I am completely BAFFLED 1. at some of the truly bonkers responses on your thread and 2. that you think being a Christian somehow means you ignore basic common sense.

Perhaps the wisdom you were asking God for was provided on your relationships thread?

He is taking the piss, isn't that obvious? ONE job his entire adult life?? You paying his child maintenance? You paying £500 rent and he'sprovided £50 to the overall budget?

For goodness sake op, it's blatantly obvious. Why do you think being a Christian changes the obvious? You can forgive him 777 times but that doesn't mean you actually yoke yourself to him. Two different things.

springydaffs · 30/04/2015 19:17

Except you've seen how he behaves when the chips are down. It has been fully flagged up, with bells on, the sort of person he is in good time ie before you tie yourself to him.

God is shouting at you from where I'm standing.

GoldfishCrackers · 16/05/2015 12:31

What Springy said.

There is a big difference between forgiving someone and continuing to have them in your life.

Forgiving him would be a brilliant thing for you (never mind him), as long as it leaves you free to move on and find someone who is going to be a good partner and father to any children you might have.

Really, if someone only starts to pull his weight when you threaten to leave him, is he really a good man? What happens when circumstances make him think you can no longer play that card (pregnant, young children, isolated, ill)?

springydaffs · 17/05/2015 00:05

Read 'Boundaries' by Dr Henry Cloud op

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