Who am I?

[OinkBalloon]

I was chatting with a small group of friends, and mentioned my long-running struggles with depression. Three out of the four were genuinely surprised (the fourth is quite close and already knew).

From the discussion that followed, it would appear that I come across as a cheerful, chatty, open person and am often described as 'the one who's always smiling'.

So it makes me wonder: who am I? Which is the real me, the one others see or the one I see?

OinkBalloon

A lot of people nail a big smile on their face before they go out the door. According to figures, 1 in 4 of us in the UK will have mental health problems in any given year. And that doesn’t include those who are not telling a single soul about their feelings. As I go about my day, I have no sense that such a large proportion of the people I meet are struggling – and I don’t think I am insensitive. That means that a lot of people are hiding their troubles pretty well – we are a nation of Hyacinth Buckets desperately trying to keep up appearances.

Bearing all that in mind, who is the real OinkBalloon?

Well, as it happens, I think the upbeat laughing person your friends see and the sad overwhelmed person you sometimes feel yourself to be when you are on your own are both aspects of you, but not defining aspects. In the end moods fluctuate a lot and do not determine who you are. If you are at core a good person, and something tells me you are, you will remain a good person, whether you are happy, sad-but-faking-happiness or just plain sad.

Agree with Outwiththeoutcrowd.

I can relate deeply to what you have said, in fact it's funny how others view us through their own lenses of pain/drama/expectations and sometimes their interpretations are humorous in the mix. Once a friend told me she thought I was 'competitive' and I was literally taken aback, I have never thought of myself that way before. SO, if she had interpreted my actions or behaviour over the years as that - what was I doing that gave that impression?

I think this is very subjective and not easily expressed because others do see us based upon their own stuff. It's not meant as a negative connotation, just an observation.

On and off throughout my life I have suffered deep depressions, whilst onlookers would have had NO idea. Also, when I was having panic attacks and depression/anxiety people couldn't believe I had that either, given that I had a. the perfect (in their eyes) relationship, b. a good job, c. you name it, and so on. What looks good to others doesn't always come with the whole feeling thing that depression seems to me to be. It's almost like an overwhelmingness and powerless inability to either accept or change our lives, or to speak up or to ask for help or to do many other things.

I'm sure you didn't come here for my answer, but this is what I now know to be true in my case: my depressions have been very much me taking on board other people's stuff and not being able to deal with my own. CBT can really help. Those who have never felt what depression is like may never recognise or understand it in others.

Go easy on yourself, and don't define yourself by how others view you. If you do that - you will always be a prisoner to another person's concept. Let the real you out to play, and attempt to enjoy yourself along the way. You can do this. Your friends will love and accept you no matter what.

I wish you love on your journey, IB x

Oink, I sympathise - I have had severe anxiety and that led to me getting very depressed. It sucks.

In answer to your question, I don't think there is such a thing as 'the real me'. We are all stories - I feel like very different people depending on who I am with because I respond to their story about me. Your friends have the story that you are always smiling, you have the story that you struggle with depression. I don't mean that to sound flippant as I know MH illnesses are as real as any other - I was hospitalised with mine - but I still constructed a story around it. 'I suffer from', ' I can't cope', ''I am an anxious person' etc.

The good thing about the fact we believe our stories about who we are and how the world works is that we can choose another story to believe. With MH it might take some persistence and repetition but you can change your story through questioning and changing your thinking, using CBT (as Indigo suggests) or similar. The words we use are very powerful - I never say i 'suffer from' or 'battle with' my illness any more and it takes the heat out of it immediately. You can come up with a new story about you, the person that feels authentic to both the you that you know and the you that you want to be. Think about how that person lives, the choices they make. Write about them, looking through their eyes, and then live from that place.

You have to remember though that other people will still be believing their not so good stories - be nice to them!