Christians with gay children?

[godanswerme]

Here goes ... I have been trying to pluck up the courage to post this thread for at least a couple of years.

I am asking Christians about their stance on their children being gay? My wonderful, beautiful, clever daughter came out to me when she was 16 - i was so proud of her and yet so worried as i was a fairly new Christian. I feel so lost because i know the bible has a lot to say about gay people and thats what i said to her that i was very proud of her coming out but i didn't know what to think in terms of our faith.

She has always been a believer and has lots of biblical passages on her tumbler - i don't know if she has ever really committed to jesus but i know that out of all of my kids she is the most with Faith (even when i wasn't a Christian i tried to bring them up with some sort of faith).

I suppose the thing i am trying to ask is - i am afraid if i go back to church ( i haven't been for two years and we have moved in the mean time so don't know how to find one here) I am afraid that if i go to church and get involved with one that they will find out about my DD and that i will be forever defending her and that i want so much to follow the faith that i found but i am ashamed to say i was afraid to go back to the church that i used to go to because neither me nor my daughter want religion to 'pray the gay away'.

This is who she is. this is how she is happy - she has been in a relationship for a year now and tells me she would hope to spend the rest of her life with this person. How can i tell her this is wrong according to the bible? I personally don't think it is - a committed relationship is something that she strove for and that i am so glad she found.

Im asking other Christians who have gay children, where can i find a gay friendly church? how can i find people who will love my dd for her choices and embrace her into being a born again christian? I sound so ignorant because i am. I have no idea where to start. the last thing i want her to be is ashamed of what she is - one thing i did learn when i did the alpha course is that God and Jesus love everyone and forgive those that ask for it. She and i both feel that she shouldn't have to ask for forgiveness for being the way that god made her ( i know some would disagree with that but i can vouch for the fact that she has always felt this way)

I want so much to go to church again - i didn't go for long and i don't feel like i can pray about all this - it keeps me awake at night because i either feel like i am bigoted ( which i am not) or that i can't have a personal relationship with Jesus because i and my lovely dd will be judged.

Any advice would be welcome - there is no point in flaming me over this as i have done it enough myself and it makes me very sad and depressed because i literally have no one to confide in who is a Christian.

Let me make it clear, i love my DD without question, her GF stays with us most weekends and she is lovely - i always prided myself on being open minded but i don't know how to go to church and be proud of my family inc dd when this is so frowned upon?

Oh & by the way, I have previously had dinner with a guy whose partner was a catholic priest (not in the UK, and it seemed to be acceptable to his parishioners & the bishop knew) - so you can find tolerance & acceptance even in places where you might think it was highly unlikely.

It would be very different from your previous church experience, and also v different from the established church but I wonder if you would think about a Quaker meeting?

The roots of Quaker worship are in Christianity but they are a pretty broad church these days. They don't just 'welcome' or 'tolerate' LGB couples, they were the first (only?) Christian organisation to conduct same sex marriages.

Just a thought. They would be right up your DDs street ref the veganism and animal rights too though I realise you're not choosing for her!

Hello again, thank you for all the replies - some great advice here.

saintlyjimjams lol - i am actually really near Tiverton so Plymouth is no good for me but there is a newish vineyard church which meets nearby so i might pop the elder/pastor/leader a line and just ask the churches position on lgbt members?

I guess it is trial and error - the quaker thing sounds nice but i don't know about their silent meetings, i loved the fellowship of church so much but not the judginess. I know only the lord can do that but i guess just because you are a christian that it doesn't follow that you have to always be nice and welcoming to people who don't fit the mould.

I will try and find somewhere but it does feel a bit daunting - i would be happy to drive to Exeter if need be, dd can't wait to move, we only moved here 18 months ago but DH has a job in London now and we are going to move back to where we came from (wilts) so that he is only an hour away as we don't see him in the week anymore.

She will go to church again with me i think - she isn't fussed about which one i attend, perhaps the advice that was given upthread about attending more churchy churches ( traditional ones with spires that is!) is worth looking into. I rather thought they might be the least understanding so it goes to show what i know!

I do like the more modern, (happy clappy for want of a better phrase - sorry i don't mean to offend) type of churches just because its so lovely to see people in the spirit - like i said i don't really have that type of relationship with god - i am hoping that with prayer and more commitment from me it will come though.

Thank you, all of you who are replying - it really means a lot.

Hello godanswerme. I am a Christian with a gay dd (though my dd is not a Christian). Clearly I cannot speak for all Christians everywhere, and I know that there are individuals and groups who believe that homosexuality is a sin. However, I personally don't know anyone who holds this view and I know that, if she ever wanted to (unlikely, but I can hope and pray) my dd would be welcome at my church... and could be as 'out' as she wanted there. I attend the kind of 'churchy' church (spire, organ, choir, incense... the full works!) that others have suggested might be welcoming, and I'd second the idea of not ruling out that kind of church out of hand. Bear in mind that not all Anglican churches are the same - some are very traditional, others may be closer to the kind of music and atmosphere you found in your old church, others - larger ones usually - may have a whole variety of services from the contemplative to the [also with apologies for the short-hand] happy-clappy. But please don't let your worry about this get in the way of your relationship with God... you clearly want to build that back up again and it would be sad to allow your fear of prejudice against your dd get in the way of that. Good luck.

The two anglican churches I have experience of are both happy clappy and welcoming! I agree with others they may not be judgmental at all. I suppose at those churches a lot of the congregation aren't quite as passionate about worship at (for example) the vineyard churches, so they may actually be more laid back and less hostile than sone in more evangelical organisations.

I find I bizarre that some Christians are aggressively anti gays (nobody on this thread), yet they are in favour of capitalism, lower taxes for the wealthy and are generally supportive of parties that hurt the poor.

The Republican Party of America and it's bible belt followers are a good example.

Hello I'm cofe. Some of my greatest friends are Christian and gay. They have no issue, despite areas of the bible.

One said, it sticks with me, it's been 2000 years. Even God matures.

Wishing you strength in your prayers

I can think of 2 members of our congregation who have GLBT children, and whilst we as a ministry team are welcoming of difference, not all of the congregation are. But most of the congregation aren't aware that this is the case about the children. I think if the ministry team is OK, then you are unlikely to encounter much prejudice. I think its worth if it forms part of the preaching and teaching of the church. I personally love the fact you care so much about your daughter, and hope and pray it goes well with your church or finding another church.

www.youareverywelcometorbay.org.uk/services-diary

This is the Metropolitan Community Church who are ?mostly LBGT community people and are probably more liberal than you are used to but it looks like they are starting something new in Taunton.

You could always quote the Pope:

“Francis's view on how the Catholic Church should approach LGBT people was best explained in his own words during an in-depth interview with America magazine in September. He recalled, ‘A person once asked me, in a provocative manner, if I approved of homosexuality. I replied with another question: ‘Tell me: when God looks at a gay person, does he endorse the existence of this person with love, or reject and condemn this person? We must always consider the person"

and

He said: “If someone is gay and seeks the Lord with good will, who am I to judge?”

Thank you for the heads up about Taunton, I will look into that :)

I didn't know that the pope said that, I always thought he would be a bit militant about gay people. That's a nice and comforting thing to say.

Sorry to be a bit late on this thread - I only just caught up with it.

First up, I wanted to say what a wonderful and supportive Mum you are. It's great that you are so welcoming and affirming of your daughter and her partner. It's just how I would aim to be if either of my DCs (currently aged 9 and 11) came out when they are older.

Also, there is no reason to worry about your daughter being gay from a Christian perspective. While some Christians, particularly from more conservative churches, may have an issue with it many others do not. I don't, and I am a lay minister in the C of E and have studied theology at university, so I have worked through the issue in some depth.

How to move forward in finding a church that is right for you, and possibly your family? First, you could join a group called "Changing Attitude" on Facebook. They are a C of E based group working for the full inclusion of gay people in the church, and they often have someone asking if there is a welcoming church in a particular area. With around 2000 members there's bound to be someone who knows something about the churches in your local area, and not just the C of E ones.

Otherwise, I am not a million miles away (based in Taunton) so know a little bit about churches in the West Country. Someone has already put a link through to the Metropolitan Community Church, which is starting something in Taunton but I don't know how far they have got so far. They would be a good place to start as they are openly affirming of gay people.

If you are looking for somewhere you can go and have a good sing with a decent sized congregation you would be very welcome to join me at St James church in Taunton. We have around 130-150 people along every Sunday, and while we meet in an old building our style is modern and relaxed (music team and singers instead of organ/choir, chairs rather than wooden pews, screen at the front instead of hymnbooks, crèche corner in the church for little ones, etc.) We are also just about to start an Alpha course (we run one or two a year), so may not be too different from the sort of church you have been involved with before. We certainly have a focus on people being able to have a relationship with God in the context of a loving Christian community. The congregation is welcoming, supportive and friendly and not judgemental. Sexuality is rarely preached about from the front, and while I can't vouch for everyone there (some of our older people, and perhaps a few not so older people, might be more "traditional" in their outlook on gay people) I know that several in the church that I have spoken to have no problem with people who are gay. So while we aren't explicitly gay-friendly, we aren't explicitly unfriendly either - on the whole it is a non-issue, we are there to worship God, not judge others. If you are at all interested we meet at 10.30 on a Sunday morning and I would be very happy to meet you, so you would have someone to sit with - it makes it a bit less daunting knowing there will be a friendly face!

Best wishes,

Nic
(Househusband and Dad to Emily (11) and Simon (9))

Hi godanswerme,

I'm also just catching up on this thread, and don't know Devon very well, but you said you could drive to Exeter, where there are several churches which specifically state they are open, inclusive and welcoming to LGBT people.

I found:

www.parishofcentralexeter.co.uk/index.htm (C of E - several churches)

and

www.southernhaychurch.org/ (United Reformed Church)

I suspect these are likely to be 'less evangelical' than you might be used to, but at least you know you won't have to hide and you shouldn't hear negative messages preached.

There are also some churches listed on the Progressive Christian Network site in the Devon area:

www.pcnbritain.org.uk/locations/region/south_west

Also, as mentioned by someone else further back, I would also recommend Diverse Church for your daughter if she is interested. They are doing great work with young LGBT Christians from more evangelical backgrounds. Contact details are on their website:

diversechurch.org.uk/index.html

Good luck with your search, I hope both you and your daughter find what you are looking for.

xxx

Hi OP, I'd recommend a book called Living it Out: A Survival Guide for Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Christians and Their Friends, Families and Churches. It's written by two gay Cristian women.

I would second googling Inclusive Church, also recommend a site called Affirming Catholicism.
Maybe you could research getting a spiritual director - a wise Christian who you could talk to one to one about stuff, especially feeling far from God. Trained Spiritual Directors are very non-judgey. Your C of E Diocese should have a list.

Why is people's opinion so important to you?
Are they free of sin to judge your daughter?
Jesus tells us to love everyone, and that God is sole judge!

I think that it's not so much people's opinions that are important to her, so much that her god condemns gay people to death and eternal punishment.

Viv, where did the OP say she was worried that god would condemn her DD to death and eternal punishment?

I didn't say she did

moifem said not to worry about what people thought, I was assuming that OP isn't worried about what people think, so much as what her god thinks.

What did the OP say that lead you to that assumption Viv?

That she mentioned being a christian and believing in the christian god and knowing that not all christian churches will be accepting of her and her daughter.

That is completely different from being worried that god will condemn her DD to death and eternal punishment Viv.

It was in answer to moifem's post which may have been taken to mean that OP's concerns were unfounded. I think that it's reasonable not to dismiss her worries - her god is on record as stating that gay people are abominations and condemned to eternal punishment.

Oh right. I was unaware that making up answers on an OP's behalf was a thing now.