Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Philosophy/religion

Join our Philosophy forum to discuss religion and spirituality.

Flip

Original poster

MARRIAGE IN CHURCH AFTER DIVORCE?

22 replies

gemmz · 13/10/2006 10:38

Not really sure if this is the rght place to ask but here goes...

My dad has met a lovely lady and has found happiness again after losing my mum. His fiancee has been married before but she was a faithful and loving wife to her husband and he had an affair and left her and they divorced.

They really want to get married in church and the vicar has refused to marry them, he says it's not because of her divorce he just says he doesnt think they should get married in church.
He said they are obviously in love but wont marry them??

why not

OP posts:

MaryBS · 13/10/2006 10:43

The short answer is find another vicar. I'll try to give a better and more considered answer later, but I had the same problem. My ex had been unfaithful. My DH's ex had been unfaithful. We talked to a sympathetic vicar about what went wrong in our former marriages, and he agreed to marry us and was happy to. Not all of them feel the same way. The vicar who married us put us temporarily on the church's electoral roll.

MaryBS · 13/10/2006 10:44

Marina · 13/10/2006 10:47

Shop around. Our vicar marries committed Christians who have been divorced. Our churchwarden, an abandoned wife is due to marry in church shortly and we will all be there cheering them on!
Are either your dad or his fiancee currently churchgoers - just wondering if that might be a factor?

Original poster

gemmz · 13/10/2006 10:47

yes they are going to look into that but it means going to the next town. We live in a small place!
Can a vicar from another town come to our church for the day?
Was also thinking about going to the guy above him, not sure who it is though is it the bishop and how would be contact him, would we need to go through our vicar?
Dad said he was really harsh and had clearly made his mind up before he even met them

OP posts:

Original poster

gemmz · 13/10/2006 10:48

they are not particularlt weekly church goers but do go occasionally and some members of the family are on the committee

OP posts:

bobsmum · 13/10/2006 10:50

I'm pondering the same as Marina I think. Why are they interested in a religious wedding ceremony of they're not particularly religious. If it's for the setting - are there not loads of beautiful places they could get married in nearby?

Marina · 13/10/2006 10:51

Hmmm, it might be a combination of the divorce and the fact they are also not on the electoral roll then. Not excusing, just rationalising.
If this is the C of E I think the next person to speak to about this is the Rural Dean rather than the Bishop. Hope you can get it sorted.

Original poster

gemmz · 13/10/2006 10:53

they do believe in god very much, and dad works shifts so often cant go They are not there every week but do go somtimes and they go a lot more than i do and the same vicar is marrying me there next yr! I only go to church for weddings and funerals

OP posts:

Original poster

gemmz · 13/10/2006 10:54

They are on the electoral register for our town.

OP posts:

Marina · 13/10/2006 10:57

Now that is interesting gemmz. It does sound then as though the vicar is not being fair to them. Has he spelt out why he won't marry them? and I would try and find the details of your Rural Dean, which you can do by googling your diocese name and the info should be there.

Original poster

gemmz · 13/10/2006 10:57

He basically wouldnt give a reason just said he wsnt convinced it was right. They asked if if it was because of the divorce and he said no! They are really upset. He said they were clearly in love and they are its so sweet
Thanks everyone anyway

OP posts:

Marina · 13/10/2006 10:57

Electoral register for town and Parish Electoral Roll are two different things though.

Original poster

gemmz · 13/10/2006 11:00

I didnt know what you meant to be honest. Im sure they will be on it they have both lived in the town all ther lives

OP posts:

nearlythree · 13/10/2006 11:00

Stupid man. Obviously hasn't read anything in the Bible about forgiveness. Nothing Christian in his attitude, IOM, and your dad and his new lady would be better off elsewhere.

You could try the Rural Dean, who can over-rule him. You can't bring in another vicar unfortunately, and marrying in the CofE in a parish other than your own also requires the Rural dean's permission. If I were your dad though I would be looking at going to another denomination - IME the Methodist church are very welcoming to people who are remarrying. I understand why your dad and his fiance want a church wedding, it is possible to be a Christian without going to church all the time and when it is such a special occasion it is understandable that they want to bring God into it.

Original poster

gemmz · 13/10/2006 11:04

yes dads fiancee is so upset she doesnt want him to marry them as he was so awful to her about the divorce.
Got to go out no but will check this thread later.

thanks all

OP posts:

nearlythree · 13/10/2006 11:04

The electoral roll for the church will be those who attend often enough to get on it - not the same thing as the secular one for voting. It makes no sense why he will marry you and not your dad and his fiance unless it is the divorce issue, which the vicar has denied. He is being grossly unfair. If your dad really wants to be married in the CofE then I would try the Rural Dean as Marina suggests, but personally I would look elsewhere.

bobsmum · 13/10/2006 11:04

aha - in that case I agree with Nearlythree - sounds like it might be the vicar who's not a Christian in this instance - sadly happens quite a lot

I think they might be better finding a more welcoming church if they really want a faith based ceremony. Sounds like this vicar would have to do a huge turnaround in his thinking and might perform the marriage through gritted teeth if he had to be pushed into doing it.

Original poster

gemmz · 13/10/2006 11:08

Yes they dont want to be married by someone that clearly had a problem with them and doesnt want to marry them.
Didnt know about that electrol role thing, but i honestly go a lot less to church than they do and there is no problem for me!
Im a bit put off now as he has been so horrid.

OP posts:

nearlythree · 13/10/2006 11:14

Have a look around at some different denominations - Methodist, United Reformed - and see if you can find a more welcoming attitude. FWIW I wouldn't want this man marrying me. Sounds like he added to your dad's girlfriend's anguish over her divorce at a time when he should have been supporting her. Sounds a bit bigoted.

WriggleyWitchesJiggle · 13/10/2006 11:15

find a new church. DH and I had no prblems

MaryBS · 13/10/2006 12:26

Being on the church electoral roll can simply be a matter of paperwork. I wasn't on the electoral for our church for quite a while, it was only when I wanted to go for Licensed Lay Minister (aka Reader) training that it became an issue, very quickly solved.

As for not being regular church attenders, when I got married in the C of E, I was a Catholic, soon to become ex-Catholic, due to my remarriage, so couldn't really count as a regular churchgoer, especially in the church I was getting married in. I told the Vicar I still believed in God though, and following a long story (testimony elsewhere), here I am, 9 years later, training as a minister. However, I believe that if I hadn't remarried in church, my life could be a whole different story.

Secondly, I am wondering if I was sent this for a reason (ie you!), but 2 days ago, a fellow trainee sent me the text of a sermon that he gave at the beginning of October. The text of his sermon was divorce. I found it very comforting, and relevant to forgiveness following divorce. If you would like me to send it to you, email me at
suttonmb "at" talktalk "dot" net, and I'll send you a copy. WELL worth a read (and I have his permission to give it out!)

(sorry, sneaking on at work, shouldn't be here really )

I will just add as well that our vicar is divorced! (shock horror! )

sleepysooz · 22/10/2006 14:22

We have the same problem in our village, CofE won't marry you but methodist will!

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread