Miscarried baby

[speedymama]

Three years ago I suffered a miscarriage with our first baby. DH and I were talking about it last week and he wondered if we would see it again when we died. We both believe in God but are not overly enamoured with religion itself. However, we do go to a CofE church from time to time and want our twins to start attending Sunday School next year.

So, what are your thoughts? Are there any bible passages that I could read that might help?

DH said that it would be weird if we met the baby as an adult but I'm wondering if that would be the case. I just don't know what to think to be honest. I am uncomfortable about talking about it to anyone else in RL because it is so personal. I guess DH and I will always remember the child that never was.

Thanks for reading.

speedymama, in haste as have to dash. I'm sorry your first baby died Our second child was prematurely stillborn.
I'm a Christian but at the time found kind, well-meant comments about how we would be reunited in Heaven etc really didn't help me.

We had this poem at Tom's funeral and I found the quiet assent that we would never know him, that it implies, matched my feelings better:

For a Child Born Dead by Elizabeth Jennings

What ceremony can we fit
You into now? If you had come
Out of a warm and noisy room
To this, there'd be an opposite
For us to know you by. We could
Imagine you in lively mood

And then look at the other side,
The mood drawn out of you, the breath
Defeated by the power of death.
But we have never seen you stride
Ambitiously the world we know.
You could not come and yet you go.

But there is nothing now to mar
Your clear refusal of our world.
Not in our memories can we mould
You or distort your character.
Then all our consolation is
That grief can be as pure as this.

that's beautiful Marina.

I don't know if this will help speedymama but when DH's grandfather was told I was pregnant and that was die in October he said "Oh - I don't think I'll be around that long [he was 91 and had been ill]. I'll have to meet that one in heaven."

2 days later I had a miscarriage and 2 days after that, Grandad died.

I totally felt that he had now met his great grandchild and it is a great comfort to me to know that our baby is being looked after by him.

My thoughts on heaven are that we can only relate to it as we relate to things on earth and try to fit it in with our own knowledge and experiences when, in fact, it has to be different. If you believe in heaven then you will meet you baby there and you will know him or her.
That's what redemption is.

Marina, that is a beautiful and heartfelt poem, Thank you.

Tommy, I relate to what you are saying. My father died over 20years ago and I have always known that I will see him again. I'm just not sure if I feel the same way about our child that was not even born.

i believe that it is the soul that is passed on and the soul is 'born' when the child is concieved. just because the physical body did not make it into this world, the soul will remain and you will (your soul) will meet it when you pass. I also believe that the baby will not be alone, as other loved ones that have passed will have taken on its care. I am religous, and do not know how the bible and god would fit into this view, but i beileve in a 'heaven' of sorts, and this is where your baby will be waiting.

sorry, i am NOT religious, i should learn to preview!

Thank you Sarz, your outlook is something that I have come across before.

speedymama, I am so sorry. I really believe that God's love is with all our little ones from before conception onwards and I hope this might help a bit. When I was pg with dd1 I got a very strong sense of God being Mother and that we were growing in her womb together. I also got a very strong image of Jesus playing with my baby and that they had fun together.

There is one of the psalms that says that God knows us before we are in the womb, I will try and find the ref for you.

When my friend's ds died I prayed so hard for him and definitley felt God tell me that he was safe, and to do my praying for his family.

As for heaven, I don't think we can ever know what it will be like or how we will be, not in this life. The Bible suggests that we will be 'like the angels'. I think it will be pure love, and peace, and safety.

All the love that there is comes from God. Your baby was conceived out of love, and will always be in his/her care.

Nearlythere, DH said last night that it would be unfair to see our child as an adult once we died because it would not have lived in this world and we would not really know it.

If I am honest, I actually believe in what you have said. When my father died, I felt his presence when I was at my lowest and knew instinctively that I was not alone and never would be. I guess DH and I need to nurture our faith. I have started reading the New Testament again and I'm going to attend the Spirituality at Work group at lunch times.

Thanks for all your advice

Hi Speedy,

I had a miscarriage two years ago, and I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

Like Marina, I had a lot of people make comments intended to help, but just didn't.

When it comes to heaven, I've always struggled with many ideas i.e. that there won't be a sea or marriage ect ect. or similar things that I enjoy here in this realm.

But I've gotten to a point to accept what I call my "better than..." theory. i.e. If I won't be married to my husband in heaven, I trust God's promises and know that my relationship there will be 'better than' what my limited imagination could conceive of here and now.

I'm not sure any of us have an "age" in heaven as we do in this life. If we are talking about ETERNAL life, I'm not sure there will be babies or adults or old people in heaven... if you get what I mean. I think we might just be beings...but more glorious and perfected than we can probably understand within our realm of experience.

The bible does speak about having 'new bodies' (some theologians disagree as to whether this will be immediately in heaven when we die...or at a later time when Christ returns.) The bible speaks of feasting in heaven, and Jesus ate a meal with his disciples AFTER his resurrection- so I like to think I will still be able to order my mocha lattes at the heavenly Starbucks counter... but I trust that if there are no such thing as mocha lattes in heaven that what God has in store for His children will be better than what I could ever hope or imagine.

I'm really bad at providing specific scripture references...sorry!...but there are many versus that speak to how much God loves children.

My vicar's wife, who also lost a baby, said she just read a book called 'Heaven and Hell', and found it very helpful. I'll try and find out the name of the author.

Psalm 139 :

"For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you bevcause I am fearfully and wonderfully made:
Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, yor eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were writen in your book before one of them came to be"

Psalm 139 verse 13-16.

I would say that if you believe in God but not overamoured with religion (your own words), then why not try re-reading what Jesus had to say. Choose one of the gospels, and read it right through, see what it has to say about His life, and what He had to say about Himself. Use a good modern translation such as the Good News or the New International, or try 'The Message'.

If you want to send your twins to Sunday school, then I would say choose that Sunday School as carefully as you would choose any other school - find a curch that has a good children's programme, that is interested in children, that treats them with respect, usually a church that has a lot going on, and visit a few before you make a decision. It might not be the church you have been going along to. We have just swapped from the Scottish Episcopalians (Anglican - our version of the CofE) to the Baptists, not for any big theological reason, but for many other reasons, far from least of them being that we loved the childrens ministry in our local baptist church when we moved house.

I lost 3 babies to miscarriage, as well as having 3 living children. I love to think that I will meet them again one day in heaven, when they will be the perfect people they had the potential to be, just as I will, when I am there, be that person too.

harrisey, you just beat me to it! It's one of my most favourite passages from the Bible. I'm so sorry to hear of your miscarriages.

speedymama, I agree with lillabean that trust in God is so hard, but that is where we will find peace. I have three healthy kids and have no idea what it is like to lose one, but at some point in their lives I've thought that each of them was going to die. I've also watched a good friend lose and grieve for her 4 yr old ds. I'm almost working on trusting God again from scratch. Like you, I'm disillusioned with some organised religion (I've left the CofE) and like harrisey have found the Baptist church to be more child-friendly. Ultimately though, it is what you do at home that matters most.

If you'd like to chat more at any time please CAT me. I'll be praying for you and dh and your little ones.

i'm sorry to hear of your loss. i had a mc 11yrs ago and i still remember the baby i had the privelege (sp?) of knowing for 10weeks. babies who are mc are looked after by family members that have gone before. i have always known that i shouldve had an older brother and always felt him around, especially when i was seeing someone that wasn't a very nice person - he got quite cross with me. that was on my 21st which i spent at home wiht my parents - my sister (still at home at the time) had a dog who was going nuts loooking at the same space i was.
i have known that my 1st child was a girl and first saw her when she would have been about 4 or 5. my older brother brought her to see me saying that he had brought someone to meet me.she had ringlets in side pigtails and was carrying a brown teddy bear and was holding her hand. the song that was playing on the radio at the time was "tears in heaven". it is only recently that i can hear that song without crying.

i do not know of any bible passages sorry but i hope that what i have said will help some of you x

privilege sorry