cherishing others

[professornangnang]

I'm interested to hear people's opinions on this. I know that there are no easy answers. I am reading a buddhist book at the moment and it says that one of the main aims in life should be to cherish others, not in the sense of loving one's family etc... (which is easy), but in the sense of putting all people first, even those who've wronged you. Clearly, there's a similar sentiment in most religions.
My question is: how does one do this when one has had a very difficult time with other people? How do you get over the hurt and mistrust? How do you look out on the world and think: 'I'm going to cherish everyone, even though I have not always been cherished myself?'
I'm struggling with this although it is my ultimate goal. I've had such a hard time. I've experienced such cruelty that I was pushed to suicide. This wasn't by one person but a number of people in my hometown. I was mercilessly harrassed. Somehow the fact that it was a group effort makes it worse. The repercussions of that haunt me to this day.
I've been betrayed, attacked, treated like dirt and sometimes I feel very old and tired, even though I'm not. I have a family and a life and a mediocre job despite all of this, even though sometimes it's felt like I've been swimming through a tide of . I am very good at my job but I've never been particularly recognised or encouraged by anyone.
I've learned to try and stay under the radar as much as possible and mistrust and be afraid of people. I've tried to protect myself as much as I can but I know that's useless really and I'm totally vulnerable.
I'm wondering how I can get through all this and cherish others? How do other people do it?

Possibly the average person does not have your starting point, and i am dreadfully sorry that those hateful people have been so cruel to you in the past.

Cherishing others in small ways might be the way to begin. A few small, random acts of kindness to those around you can make you feel really good inside and those you cherish generally show appreciation for you in return (but if they don't, don't even think about it, you are not doing it for the recognition).

When you make a small change like this, done for long enough, it will be habit forming and you will see a change in your attitude to doing it, so you can then slowly build upwards.

Pick something easy. Do you know anyone at work who might need cheering up? Give them a kind word. Bring in a cake on Friday for people to share. Make sure you smile and hold the door/lift/pass on a parking ticket to someone. Really small, achievable things.

Do not go into this thinking you need to be selfless, to bend over backward to please people who might be cruel, because if you do that you will feel like it is a chore, not a pleasure.

For me it's annoy remembering that all these people are struggling/suffering as much as I am.

I also don't think that starting with everyone include the ones that have hurt you do much is the best way. Start easy, start by remembering you are worth of love. Thinking about your close ones and wish them to be happy. Smile at them. Little things can make a huge difference.
Then you might want to think about people that are completely neutral to you. People you hate area but the last thing to do unless the hate you have for them is such that it has taken over your life.

Tbh I think this idea of cherishing others is scary at first. It goes against most people experience.

Thank you strawberry and pots. You've given me lots to think about. It's all become more relevant at the moment because we'll be returning to that area soon. I know that we have to for practical reasons but I also know that on a spiritual level, I need to as well. I can't be running and hiding forever. I am dreading it a little though. I want to be a really good person, living a life which really adds to the world. However, I feel like I need to get over some of that stuff first. It's just hard. What happened made me really ill. The police couldn't really help even though they were kind. It was the kind of bullying which was like going into the local shop and someone hissed something under their breath at me as I went out the door. It got much worse than that but it was done so that there was nothing that could really be pinned on them.

One of the lessons of Buddhism is to let go of attachments. Most people think of this in terms of not being materialistic, greedy, etc, but it also means attachment to ways of thinking. Your thinking has been (understandably) affected by past events, but in doing so you make the impermanent actions of others a permanent influence on your life. Always remember that other peoples thoughts about you are not necessarily the truth about you - other peoples actions are often borne out of ignorance or out of their own suffering.

Just to be clear, this is not about saying that others actions towards you were ok, or that you should just get on with it. Simply that you cannot change what has happened in the past, but you can change the power it has over you now. You start by dealing with your feelings about the experiences, rather than with the perpetrators of those experiences - be kind to yourself and leave that until they no longer have such power over you, and be prepared for this to take time, maybe a long time.

The important thing is that letting go of the hurt will be showing kindness to yourself - you will be the main beneficiary. Start with cherishing yourself first.

Not something I would want to do to everyone.

I do try to spread good cheer in my daily activities. I try to helpful and patient with others.

My 6'5" ex husband beat, raped and hospitalized me. Even when I left him I lived under a death threat for several years.
He blamed me for making him so angry that he was "forced" into violence.

I cannot cherish him.

I do cherish myself though and have been healed since those times. I have self nurtured and become an even stronger person.

I am a better mother as a result of what happened to me. I found my voice, my strength and compassion. I can speak up for the underdog and tread gently on my children's emotions, I am careful to nurture them gently.

I meditate, I practice yoga, I am a spellcaster. I feel a balance in my life.
My ex has left me with no lasting damage. My scars are strong.

Him? I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire- but that is a position of ambivalence not anger.

To remember those things we frequently do become who we are, they form our character. It makes no sense for someone to be constantly cruel but say "that is not the REAL me" - we are our thoughts and actions. With that in mind the smallest loving actions and thoughts constantly made and performed form us.

Forgiving and letting go of the past does not mean justice should not prevail. We can be healed over time so that we find peace but that doesn't require that we put ourselves in the path of someone who is not capable of loving or cherishing us. Remember to cherish yourself.

Be wise and discerning and do not go into unloving situations.

"Be wise and discerning and do not go into unloving situations."

Easier said than done.

Just to add, being able to cherish others will not be instant, it will come over time, maybe a long time. Be patient and loving with yourself and begin in the smallest ways to move toward your goal.

looking- I can't see it's always desirable or necessary.

Thank you everyone for replying. You've said some very interesting things which I'm going to be mulling over this afternoon:) I think I need to get over the feeling of powerlessness.
Combust, I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's awful. I think it definitely illustrates that there are no easy answers to the question. Velvet green - I'm going to try and do that - let go of my attachment to the past. I think the reason I have found it difficult is that I feel that I've never got justice. It makes it more difficult to let go. However, I think I will need to get past that.

OP- I do think it's very easy for people ( even authors) to write about cherishing others and forgiveness when they have not been serioulsy hurt by others.

In fact I find it quite patronising.

I never got justice either, but my own personal justice is that I have gone on to have a happy life, and learned from the experience.

All the things that happen to us in life shape us in some way, but finding that personal strength and defiance to refuse to be damaged or lessened by horrible experiences is my justice.

Like scars on skin, scars on our spirit can be strong. My scars are some of the strongest parts of me, and although they don't define me I am proud to be a survivor.

I walk taller and more gently as a result.

Combust22 - You obviously suffered some very serious trauma, many others have too. I think you should not assume that the people writing about love and forgiveness have never been traumatised or lived through serious suffering. It is from those experiences that they want to find a way through to healing.

Professor - I don't think finding healing means denying the past or not seeking justice if that is appropriate. Neither does it mean going back for abusive treatment - that would not be loving or cherishing yourself.

looking- have you experienced tauma? You seem to have a lot of advice.

Why would you think I hadn't?

I am just curious as to your own situation.

I find the whole idea of forgiveness and cherishing abusers quite christian, and at best can be unhelpful.

I have been told several times ( by christians) that I will never be truly healed until I forgive my abuser.

I find that very patronising.

I agree with looking.
Regardless of whether I have it not being in traumatic situations (but I have if that helps), it's not unusual that it is this trauma that helps people getting stronger and better.
I think you said it yourself combus.

I just wouldn't sneer at people who says that they are trying to be kind to people that have hurt them.

Mainly because I use to think like this and I know now I was wrong (not that I always manage btw!)

I can see why you would find that patronising.

Xpost.
We are not in the Christian paradigm here where you HAVE to forgive your abusers or you won't heal/go to hell.
It's much of a way to look at life in general. To remember that even those who are hurting us are hurting too and are seeking happiness, even if it's with very misguided ways.
There is no forgiveness in there. More of an acceptance of things how they are, ie in the past and unchangeable.
And the courage and the wisdom to change what you can (in the present) for example by ensuring that you are protected from your abusive ex.
We are not talking about accepting everything and anything under the name of compassion. But you can stand up for yourself wo putting people down, getting angry.

The Forgiveness Project might have some useful resources. theforgivenessproject.com/

I found it when I was looking for reviews of Stephen Cherry's 'Healing Agony' which I found really helpful when I was struggling the forgiving someone who had hurt me. As a Christian I don't believe that I have to forgive someone or I will go to hell. I believe in a loving and forgiving God but no one said forgiveness is easy. As a minister I see a lot of hurt and grudges that are held for years or even generations and I see the poison that it brings into people's lives.

For the OP to want to cherish others shows that she has a very big heart. Maybe you should try and be kind to yourself first and then try very small kindnesses to others and see how it goes. Can you see a counsellor who can help you with all these emotions, perhaps through your doctor?

Following on from Pots and the greenheart, it is the idea that peace is not just an absence of hatred and violence but that peace is also an active thing that takes effort. Peace building and peace making. I heard this from a local when I was in Bosnia during the war. Our seemingly small efforts all help. We can build momentum in our families and in our communities.

Professor - the lack of justice probably does contribute to why you haven't been able to resolve your feelings about what happened. However, like the events themselves, this may well be something you can't do anything about.

There is a saying 'forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past'. Instead of focussing on events that you can't change, focus instead on your reactions to them now, your feelings and emotions. In terms of how to actually achieve this, loving kindness meditation (initially for yourself) is one way. Mindfulness meditation works for me. There is also a technique called tonglen (basically means taking and giving) - it may not be something you want to try just yet, but is a very powerful meditation, and may help you in due course.

I'm Christian and have no intention of forgiving my abusers! Nor do I know other Christians who go around telling survivors they have to do this in order to heal. I know this is said to survivors, by people of all faiths and none, as I used to do a lot of work with survivors, and know the kind of damage this kind of advice can cause.
(I don't mean by this that forgiveness is necessarily wrong either, if the survivor themselves wants to forgive and feels they can - but it's a very personal call, IMHO.)
In general I find the idea of cherishing others a positive one in my life - I try to be loving, and when faced with small slights -people who piss me off at work, or locally, or family/friends arguments, then it helps me to "pray for more love".
But I do not and couldn't apply that to major abuses I have suffered. OP, the fact that you are moving back to this place sounds in itself very damaging - have you any options? Hope you are ok.

Professor

You sound like a lovely person. Despite your experiences, your wish is to go forward and find ways to value and care for those you meet along the way.

I first visited Mumsnet because my DS had been shunned and sneered at and I was looking for advice. I know how damaging the experience of bullying can be.

The art of cherishing is usually easier if practised reciprocally. Are there people at your work that you could see yourself becoming closer to? And if you do go back home, I wondered whether you had any friendships you could re-establish or if you could think of simple, not-too-overwhelming ways you could make new contacts there? Understandably, you feel wary of people but there will be good, kind people in your old town that would welcome your friendship. If you were to slowly start to form positive bonds with others outside the abusive group, and began to feel valued, you would find yourself automatically getting into the way of cherishing others.

You already have within you an ability to cherish one group of people especially well - those who have also been bullied and abused. I'm not suggesting you go out looking for these people but, when they appear in your life, you will be able to offer them the gift of empathy and understanding. You will be able to cherish them in ways that are not open to those who have not been through what you have been through.

Letting go of the past is desirable. Forgiveness can be helpful in some cases. But don't feel bad if you just can't do either at the moment. Most people would find it difficult without the closure that comes with seeing justice served or at least remorse expressed by the perpetrators. I think you will find in time, as your own life moves forward and you form wholesome, nurturing friendships, that you will be able to let go of the past without consciously willing it to happen. As for forgiveness, I don't personally think it is necessary in every situation. If, however, you want to forgive because you feel it will help you, then it is certainly an avenue you could explore.

So get your cherishing practice in with nice people first. Cherishing those who made your life in your hometown unbearable, if it is ever to be attempted, is a challenge best left until you have achieved your black belt in cherishing and feel secure enough to offer a detached sort of compassion, or even just civility, while protecting yourself from hurt.

Actually lovely has a point. Why are you going back to that place OP?