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Original poster

Family new to church and asked to do chores all the time

18 replies

MoreSpamThanGlam · 26/09/2006 18:57

Family agreed to go to a small local church after years of me saying how I felt about faith etc. Cut a long story short, its a very small growing church and dh was asked to be on the commitee for everything, to set out chairs, to be on the football team to host a prayer meeting, to read, I was asked to do flowers, help with sunday school etc etc. It felt like there was all work and no spirituality. i feel a bit conned, we have not been for a while and vicar keeps ringing to ask why we havent been. any thoughts?

OP posts:

Twiglett · 26/09/2006 19:00

yes tell him the truth

isn't that the basis of religion .. truth?

tell him the truth

SherlockLGJ · 26/09/2006 19:01

Well it is also about a sense of community and if all the volunteers in our parish withdrew their support, we could turn out the lights and go home.

IME from community comes spirituality, in that you know and care about the people you are worshipping with.

Are you sure you aren't just looking for a get out clause. ?

WigWamBam · 26/09/2006 19:09

The clue is in the fact that the congregation is small, so everyone has to be involved otherwise there is no Church and no community. As LGJ says, from the community comes the spirituality ... and on a purely practical level the Church can't run just on spirituality. Individual people can, but a building and a community couldn't.

Many Churches jump at the chance of people helping out and yes, it can feel that you're being put upon - particularly if it comes very quickly after you join - but isn't doing your bit what Christian service is meant to be about?

A bigger congregation might expect less from you, but it also might give you less back in return community-wise. You pays your money and you takes your choice - if you don't like it, find a Church that is different.

Ladymuck · 26/09/2006 19:17

I think that you also have to set your boundaries. I have to say that as a general rule we find it hard to get someone to do more than one role/task, so if we find someone willing to do more then I guess that there is a irsk of burn-out.

Small churches are a lot of work - we stepped out of a small church when we started a family as we felt that we couldn't really commit to the efort, but(selfishlly I know) still wanted to share in activities such as P&T groups, sunday school, decent worship etc.

There is an issue about whetehr this is the right church for you overall, and you need ot pray about that. But I agree with the marmitey one - go and have a chat with the vicar and explain how you feel. See what his reaction is. Yes, you are part of a fmily and chores need to be done, but not all of them should land on you. And how do these tasks fit with your giftings/potential ministries?

What is the mix of people (age/families v singles)?

donnie · 26/09/2006 19:18

it is very revealing that you regard reading in church and hosting prayer meetings as 'chores'. Are these not spiritual practices ? presumably the readings are from the scriptures amd prayer meetings - well you can't get much more spiritual than that really.

Agree with www and Sherlock .

cat64 · 26/09/2006 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

MoreSpamThanGlam · 26/09/2006 20:06

Hold on before you all shoot me down!
We rarely get to listen to a sermon as a family. Yes my DH does find hosting prayer meetings a chore because he is new to it all and finds it quite stressful that he doesnt say the right things and (funnily enough) finds a few that are much further along in their Christian walk a bit judgemental. to be honest we were doing an awful lot for such new members, because others didnt want to and had other commitments. Im all for doing my bit without question, but when there is no spirituality coming back in return, just turn up and get your weeks chores, oh and by the way heres your direct debit for the priviledge.

OP posts:

WigWamBam · 26/09/2006 20:15

Then change Church. It doesn't sound as if they suit you or your needs - and maybe you're not right for them either.

Original poster

MoreSpamThanGlam · 26/09/2006 20:43

No I think you are right. I think I should have joined the WI instead. Less judgemental, cliquey people, who wont talk to you if you cant mow the Vicars lawn on a day that you are actually doing something.

Is it any wonder people are turning away from the churches in their droves...

OP posts:

nearlythree · 26/09/2006 20:52

MSTG, I'm with you on this one. All you need to know about your church is the division of labour between you and dh - so sexist. A true fellowship would be supporting you on your journey, not over-burdening you. It's mad to ask your dh to host a prayer meeting when he is just starting out, people should be praying for him. And do you really have to mow the vicar's lawn?

There will be a church out there for you somewhere (I'm looking for mine, too!)

Original poster

MoreSpamThanGlam · 26/09/2006 20:58

Sorry - really went ott there for no reason. . am just cross because I dont feel it is us that they want there but more what we can do for the Church. It is mainly an older church (over 50s) but we both work 6 days a week (except i am due to have a baby any day now). My DH really wants to learn and grow more and listen to more, but is always asked to go and stand at the door during sermons or help out with moving furniture for Sunday school, and so when it comes down to it he doesnt know what certain words or phrases mean and feels too stupid to ask. We think it right and proper to do our fair share but its almost as if we have been given the role of odd job people without really asking us. It would be nice if some of those that look down their noses at us for not saying the right thing or asking dumb questions actually got themselves on the blinkin rota.

OP posts:

ja9 · 26/09/2006 21:01

Gosh, this thread doesn't read very well. Seems to be lots of jumping down each other's throats...

sorry you fell lumbered MSTG. I agree with what Cat said that often being asked to be on various rotas is a way of trying to include new people, helping them get to know others and wanting them to feel that they have a place etc. in smaller churches there is naturally going to be more opportunity for you to get involved in a greater number of things.

I'd have thought that one 'duty' each is definately sufficient for a new person, and only then if they feel comfortable doing it.

you should speak to your vicar about this - tell him it's all a bit overwhelming / much etc. try to do this with a gentle tone - he probably hasn't meant for you to feel such pressure and there is almost certainly no bad intention behind it. i'm sure he's excited about having a new family and church and just wants you to feel valued...

bobsmum · 26/09/2006 21:07

Agree with Ja9.

Spam - Our church has a congregation of 17 if that's any consolation

DrMaloryTowers · 26/09/2006 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marina · 26/09/2006 21:12

MoreSpamThanGlam, just seen this thread and can see what has upset you a bit from my own experiences of changing churches because of a house move.
Congregations shouldn't overwhelm newcomers with rota-joining IMO - they should give people a chance to feel completely comfortable with the Sunday worship routine, and get a chance to know everyone's names and roles.
Reading your OP I realise how great our new church has been with hindsight - also an older congregation but what kind, nice people We have been there almost two years now and are being asked to do more, (coffee, readings rota, PCC) which we are more than happy to do now we know everyone's names and how things are done. I don't think you can do a lot of what has been asked of you, until you feel really at home.
I have a good Christian friend who left a church for exactly the same reasons as you did - and no-one could be more firm in her beliefs and willing to do her bit.
You don't mention your denomination. My friend, raised a Baptist, was so dismayed by her last experience she has shopped around to find a congregation that genuinely shares the admin out and doesn't pounce on newcomers.

cat64 · 26/09/2006 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MaryBS · 27/09/2006 12:14

Personally I think its a shame to leave a church just because they're giving you too much to do. I would speak to the Vicar, give him chance to sort things out. A small church needs new members, otherwise it'd die...

I've been fortunate, in that now I've started Lay Ministry training, the Vicar has been really firm with the various committees that they can't co-opt me on, as I have enough on my plate already. Otherwise, I'd be on the social committee, the publicity committee, the children's committee... etc.

And if you're finding people judgmental, maybe the vicar needs to know about that too...

SSSandy · 04/10/2006 13:14

We attended a church for a month or so that was a bit like that. I was asked to take on quite responsible tasks (representing the church at inter-church meetings etc) although I knew no one there and I found it OTT. I'm not and never have been a committee person so I felt unhappy with the pressure to run all sorts of things and I left. I much prefer to be a bit incognito and so I prefer large congregations.

I think you can go ahead and tell the vicar next time he calls why you feel uncomfortable in his church. That might guide them towards cooling it a bit with future newcomers .They may not even realise that they have put you off.

I think generally it is ok to make new people aware of what they can do if they would like to be actively involved but I don't think there should be this huge pressure.

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