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Philosophy/religion

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Rejected by family because of beliefs...

4 replies

Milchardo · 22/09/2014 12:35

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this - or even if it should be in Relationships - just feeling a bit low today, probably because I've got a really grotty cold! Normally this sort of thing wouldn't bother me at all.

My dad died 25 years ago (car accident) and we pretty much lost contact with his side of the family. He had quite a large, extended family and they're all either Christians or Born Again Christians.

I always used to be really close to my cousin when I was a young child (she is 15 years older than me) but again, we lost contact after my dad died. She got in touch about a year ago via Facebook and gushed about how much she'd missed me over the years (so why not find some other way to get in touch?) only to unfriend me a couple of days later when she discovered I'm Pagan. I have no problem at all with her Born Again Christianity, so why should she be so upset by my beliefs?

To cut a long story short, according to that side of the family, I'm the 'black sheep' and have been ostracised by them all, apart from one family member who lives overseas and is only a relative through marriage! Although she's a Christian, she's completely nonjudgmental about my beliefs. However, she tagged me recently in a photo she posted of my dad and his brothers (one of whom is her father-in-law) and another cousin (the sister of the gushy one and the daughter of my dad's other brother) sent me a PM this morning saying she was concerned that as I'd been able to comment on the photo, that I could see her profile! I explained I wasn't looking at her profile - and never had - but if she wanted to make sure I couldn't see it, she should just block me.

I know this is another facebook thread, but I'm just hurt by the rejection. My mum wasn't close (putting it politely!) to my dad's family which is one of the reasons we lost contact over the years - I was a teenager when my dad died. I miss my dad and I suppose it would have been nice to be part of his side of the family. I have two older sisters and a younger brother. One of my sisters is very close to his family and keeps in regular contact, but she's a Buddhist, so why is she accepted and not me?!

I don't expect any replies to this - just wanted to 'get it out' so I can move on! :)

OP posts:
whataboutbob · 22/09/2014 16:15

Hello, I am neither a Pagan nor a BA Christian, but have worked with the later and I know that Paganism, also White witchcraft are big no nos for them. As far as I could see they have a fairly literal interpretation of the bible sometimes, and believe these pre Christian beliefs are misguided.
Maybe there is more to this than your beliefs, families can be very complicated and a little tribal. If your mum did not like your Dad's family, maybe some of that is coming through (although that does seem to contradict them getting on with your sister). Do you have any old resentments against them?

Milchardo · 22/09/2014 16:58

Thanks, Bob. No, there's no resentment there on my part... I'm a few years younger than my sister who is in touch with them all, she's a little closer in age to them - maybe that's it? I don't know... I'm pretty certain it's my beliefs that are the stumbling block - certainly that's the reason my cousin gave me sister about why she deleted me. She was 'frightened' for me, apparently... Hmm

OP posts:
combust22 · 23/09/2014 06:51

I sympathise. My family are BA christians- the adults, and the children are being brought up in strict faith.

I am a practicing witch, so you understand the conflict. While my family don't know about my spiritual side- I don't discuss it, they are freaked out by my home. Nothinng scary bu I do have little bits of paraphenalia, crystals, symbolic pictures etc.
I have caught my sister trying to exorcise my house with holy water ( she is a pentacostal paster) . Downright rude.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 23/09/2014 10:58

Milchardo

I'm sorry you were unfriended by your cousin. Snubbing can be taken to a whole new level on Facebook!

I think the crux of the matter might be that the word 'Pagan' has different connotations for you than it does for your Born Again relatives. Had you written, 'I feel close to Nature and revere it' - a central tenet of Paganism - you might have had a friendlier response.

Paganism has been the traditional enemy of Christianity down through the ages, dating back to the earliest period of expansion of Christianity, when its growth was dependent on converting Pagans. Christianity and Paganism were competing mind memes and so it's not surprising that the Christian spin doctors of the day were spinning madly against the alternative.

Even in today's society, particularly in some Christian circles, there is a residue of the feeling that Paganism is primitive (in a bad way) and that those who engage in it are of sinister intent.

Here are some of the things your Born Again family might believe about Pagans:

They worship the Devil
They use black magic for evil purposes
They harm human beings and animals

I'm guessing that this does not describe you and your experience of Paganism at all. You probably see yourself as venerating the natural world. You pay attention to and celebrate the passing seasons. Perhaps you are also interested in using plants for healing purposes and, all in all, you are a good, loving person.

In short, you have not yet been able to communicate all that you are to your cousin and other relatives through using the simple word 'Pagan'.

Your sister, a Buddhist, has been accepted. So there is hope that if your relatives were to have a better understanding of what Paganism means to you, you might also be accepted into the fold.

Why not reach out in love to your cousin? Without wanting to sound too cheesy, love is what's important here.

Why not find a card with a beautiful picture on the front that expresses perfectly the special feeling you have about Nature? You could write a few words to your cousin, letting her know a little about your beliefs. Let her know that you respect her beliefs too and have no interest in changing them. Maybe you could recall a cherished memory of time you spent together in the past? Tell her how much it would mean to you to have contact with your father's side of the family. Of course, there may be aspects of your belief system that your family would find difficult - and a bit scary - I'm thinking crystals and cauldrons! There's nothing wrong with maintaining a diplomatic silence on those aspects. Concentrate on finding common ground.

Having said all that, a word of caution needs to be expressed. Your cousin's views might be so deeply entrenched that reaching out to her wouldn't work and you would have to be prepared emotionally for that possibility.

In the end, perhaps it's your Dad you are missing. (I miss mine too.) Remember that some of his essence will be in you, your children and your siblings. And, as you move through life, you will also find, quite unexpectedly, some of the qualities you treasured in him in others, completely unrelated to you by blood.

Outwith x

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