My family can't accept I don't want to wear a hijab anymore

[SwallowMeUp]

I'm so upset.
I was quite religious. I'm now not.
My husbands family are angry I'm not a devout Muslim anymore. They've threatened to come to our house and bring my father and have a family meeting etc.
I called my family to warn them.
My brother said sternly that I've made my choices so I now I have to deal with the consequences.
When I used to dress Too Islamically they didn't like that either.
I'm so cross that I'm not free to make my own choices.
I feel shunned for not conforming.
I feel like being swallowed up by the earth.
I guess I will just wear my scarf and pretend to be Islamic around them.
I hate them so much. I wish I never had to see my family or my inlaws ever again.

So sorry you are going through this. I am not Muslim and have no direct experience of intolerance over religious matters but you are allowed to make your own choices and they should not bully you.

Your plan to wear the scarf around them as the path of least resistance sounds as though it may make your life much easier and could be a worthwhile compromise, but would there be consequences if you are "caught" without it elsewhere?
I would find it very hard to cope with if I wasn't able to determine such things for myself.

What does your husband say? Is he supporting you? How often do you see them? I hope someone is supporting you, sounds a horrible situation :(

He's not religious either anymore.
I guess it's less visible with men.
I don't live near them.
They're worried about my pernicious influence on their precious grandchildren and lineage.
Their perspective is that they have an Important Responsibility to lead those Under their Guidance. In my eyes this is Control and Bullying and Narrow Mindedness.
I won't offend their eyes or ears with my poison.
I'm more upset at my family. It makes me feel like I can never be good enough for anyone, which is an issue I already have and it makes me feel pretty alone and abandoned which is another issue I have.
Life is hard. I'm not a bad person. I'm just trying my best to live my life and this is added stress. I don't want the pressure of having to fulfil duties to others. Draining.

stick with it. You (presumably) live in a country with religious freedom, which means also freedom NOT to be religious.

they'll get over it, or not. Their loss.

BTW what does the chap who promised lifetime support to you have to say about this?

My inlaws are domineering and controlling and intense. They won't just go away quietly - they will come pounding on our door. Literally. That's why pacifying them is the best way. They're shallow and so a superficial "yes I pray, yes I wear the hijab" will relax them. They can rest assured that their children will not be burning in hellfire.

My family can do and say what they like, I won't have contact with them. Anything I do or say is clearly wrong - I am not going to bother with pretences. They will get the message when they don't see me again ever. Even as I write that I know it's unlikely.

Shame for my children. Id rather they have a good relationship with their extended families. How miserable and dull to have only your parents as family. It's very tricky.

Threats and bullying. Great way to raise your children.
They're backward. Arrogant, selfish . Unloving, controlling, false . Mean.

I don't really like the implication that because I am not dressing modestly in their eyes I'm .... What exactly? Shorter sleeves and lower necklines were mentioned and "see through" items. Are they implying my morals are loose now because I'm wearing these clothes? It makes me feel like they're saying I'm immoral or a slut for wearing t shirts and shorts. I don't dress provocatively but it is nice to feel attractive and pretty. But then people in hijab like to feel attractive and pretty too don't they?

If your husband isn't bothered and they are his family I would refer any comments made about it to him.

Might be a bit of a cop out though.

Or use the broken record technique. "I'm sorry you feel that way but I'm not going to discuss what I wear with you. "

The thing is, I grew up with a different dress code from the way your parents grew up. So if I wore a t shirt and shorts, nobody would ever have thought I was a slut (they might have thought I was delusional given how crap my legs are, buts that's another story) because if you like the language of dress didn't mean "shorts=slut" where I grew up. Perfectly normal nice girls with morals wore that stuff.

Your inlaws grew up speaking a different language of dress. Where they grew up,whether it was a differ country on me or just a different community, you wouldn't choose to wear shorts etc unless you were determined to be different and maybe have a lot of sexual freedom etc.

You now speak the same language of clothes as I do. Shorts and t shirts just don't have the same meaning for us. I expect your inlaws might look at me with my visible hair and my bare arms and wonder a bit about me, but actually I am so boring and virtuous you would not believe it.

Try to see the dress thing as a language issue. The religion I grant you is much harder. I don't want to be irresponsible here because I am not religious and so have little sympathy with your inlaws on this one. IME they are just wrong, your children won't burn in hell, and they need to get over themselves. I would not worry at all about avoiding them and I certainly wouldn't allow them to come banging on the door.

As for a family conference with your dad,your husband needs to tell them to fuck right off. Sounds bloody dangerous to me, they'll be locking you up next.

I'm a little confused. You refer to them as a devout family yet you say they didn't like it when you dressed 'too Islamically'. I can only assume you mean you wore niqab and for some reason they didn't agree with it?

having been through something similar i know how tough and lonely it is trying to be yourself when in you're in that situation. by allowing yourself to feel defeated and appeasing them you are harming yourself, you are giving them your power-don't!

take back your power and control of your life, your husband needs to 'man up' as such and tell his family to STOP. afterall, your dh is the 'head of his household' in their eyes so they need to respect that. if they continue to harass you then you may need to take legal action - hopefully the threat alone will stop them but sometimes it doesn't.

you have the advantage of a husband who shares your way of life and you don't live near them. use that and take strength from it. YOU decide how much contact you will have with them - and if it helps then wear your hijab on those occasions - and how you will deal with any comments directed at you on those occasions.

it's a tough road this one, but it CAN be done. i've done it, i had the advantage of distance but not a partner, but i did it and my life today is every bit worth all the hard work and tough times.

also, reach out to other people who can help you, whether it be listening to you vent or giving you practical help, keep yourself busy and focused on creating the kind of life you want and living it

Thank you for the comforting replies. They helped and made a lot of sense.

Apparently my father In law has told my DH to divorce me if I don't sort myself out.

They really need to leave me and him alone. I think he will stand up to them. We can't discuss religion with them because it would be too shocking for them (you don't hear about death threats for apostasy for no reason). Culturally - I guess a bra strap being a little visible if a loose too is wide necked may be seen as immodest by them. Is it really though? I kinda like that look :) I'm happy to cover up. I feel like this isn't the issue anymore. Things have become so messy and awkward I don't know how I can see them without this awkwardness being unbearable. The FIL tells his son to divorce me if I don't so xyz and then calls me up to say how are you?? (According to the answerphone he left). How am I supposed to behave with my In laws?? My family (brother/sister in law) want me to be polite and respectful to the extent that is acceptable to my Inlaws - I can't do that. I feel like crawling into a hole again. God, I think DH will tell his parents to back off but I don't know if it will work. I can't envisage a face to face conversation going down well. They're too stuck in their ways and treat us like children to be able to have a sensible conversation with.
I'm just rambling. I don't know . Let's see what happens. I feel mortified that people can hate me so much. I'm not really a bad person.

You are absolutely free to make your own choices. They disapprove. That's tough. Just have as little to do with them as you can but no point in getting their backs up so keep a low profile with them for the time being.

I didn't see your last post. But I agree with your DH telling the lot of them to back off.

To be honest they sound a bit unhinged. Theres being devout and then there is telling ppl to get divorced because they differ very slightly from you on faith matters. I guess it is all about control from their point of view.

I would go no contact with them and be very careful about seeing any one of them except in a public place with witnesses.

I thought religion was supposed to be about tolerance? They sound like the most intolerant people ever. Do they have any spiritual connection with their 'religion' whatsoever? They sound like robots, parroting around words like hellfire and divorce.

Tell them that your relationship with God is between you and Him and they have no right to poke their nose into that.

It's not purely to do with religion. They've never liked me as they don't think I was good enough for their son.
They are insane. We are just from different planets it seems. They have gripes with my "dirtiness". I'm a little scruffy round the edges. Think Odd socks and unfolded suitcase. Not dirty at all though! I'm clean and chaotic. I don't wash my windows from the outside though. Patents in law are clean freaks - OCD style - so I would never live up to their standard. Perhaps this is nothing to do with religion at all.

I feel like dealing with issues by burying my head in the sand and hoping they all just go away. I don't feel strong enough in this situation to stand my ground. Partly because of self esteem issues and partly because I fear my family.

My DH doesn't want to talk about it anymore. It keeps popping up in my head. I have counselling this week for "depression?" Or something funny in my head anyway. Let's see what the session achieves. I have no faith in the NHS counsellor - I wish she was better.

We have become agnostic After having children. I did not plan things to be like this. I know I want them to be raised as good people and I would vaguely like them to have an Islamic grounding in case when they are older they get strength from faith and choose to practice. Perhaps if I believe that I should be doing more to support that education. I don't know :( they're under 6 so hardly had time to be lead away by Satan yet. Some children at that age already attend madrasa or Islamic schools to learn prayers and how to read and write arabic to enable them to read the Quran.

I am not experienced/knowledgeable about your particular situation but I hope you get the support you need on here.

it's a mixture of both religion and culture. your family and your in laws are judging you and treating you based upon their own interpretation of islam. your in laws are also culturally very insular and so not open to understanding or tolerating a different way of doing things - with clothing for example.

my family were strict muslim when i was growing up but not extreme conservatives, we didn't wear hijabs but i was expected to adhere to their way of dressing in the family home. so i can understand the insanity around their attitude to you wearing 'western' clothes - i used to wear jeans and long sleeved shirts to college (the only time i wore western clothes) but all the small minded/brainwashed kids would still accuse me of dressing like and wanting to be a 'white person', i was a 'slut' etc. i knew when i was 10 years old that i was not a muslim and that lifestyle was not for me, as i got older and more vocal about that i would be told that i was going to 'burn in hell' because i refused to be muslim or believe in god....i actually do believe in god just not in religion but there is no difference between the two for those who are brainwashed/extreme in their views.

your husband is being a coward, sticking his head in the sand will not make the problem that is his family's attitude and behaviour disappear. you can use this to your advantage and lay down the rules for what is unacceptable language and behaviour in your home when it comes to his family visiting. when they don't respect that you ban them from your home. you don't have to have ANYTHING to do with them.

I want them to be raised as good people and I would vaguely like them to have an Islamic grounding in case when they are older they get strength from faith and choose to practice

how about teaching them about all the different faiths and religions out there? they will see what all these ways of life have in common and what they don't, they will learn that you don't need religion/belief in god to have morals and standards and values, and if/when the time comes they will be educated enough to make a fully informed choice about pursuing a particular path.
the problem i see with giving them a 'grounding' in islam is that as they get older and naturally start questioning your beliefs/rebelling or they have an existential crises, the only 'real' thing they know to fall back on will be islam and given the in-laws pernicious influence you may find your own children ending up exactly like them. so you're not really giving them a choice.

your self esteem issues will only get better once you start standing up for yourself and making those hard decisions about how much (if any) contact you have with your in laws and follow through with the consequences if they don't respect your wishes.