Even God enjoys a good laugh :D

[Ulysees]

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
4. He went into His Father's business.
5. He lived at home until he was 33.
6. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
7. He talked with His hands.
8. He had wine with His meals.
9. He used olive oil. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
10. He never cut His hair.
11. He walked around barefoot all the time.
12. He started a new religion. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian
13. He was at peace with nature.
14. He ate a lot of fish.
15. He talked about the Great Spirit. But then there were 3 equally good arguments the Jesus was Irish:
16. He never got married.
17. He was always telling stories.
18. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
19. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
20. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
21. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work

ha ha ha ha ha i know that this is a religious thread room but that was good rofl

LOL (have just sent it to my priest )

I love this. LOL

hahaha. that made me smile, and i dont even believe in god/jesus/religion !

Glad you all liked it

We're always laughing in our Church.

Oh and my vicar sent this to me btw

Very good

my priest said it was an old one..... so if you have any more Ulysees, please send then this way!

I've seen that one before too, but its still funny.

My DH works for a firm of builders, he was sent a v. funny one "Noah's Ark 2006" re: the problems Noah had trying to build an ark, what with building regs, the RSPCA etc - have you seen that one? I can post it here...

I'm always being sent them so will do

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim
that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country
illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You
mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord.
"Looks like the government beat me to it."

brilliant!

bump

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"

"Don't what? "
Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.

"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit !"

"No Way! "

"Yes way !"

"Do NOT eat the fruit! "
said God.

"Why? "

"Because I am your Father and I said so ! "
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,

God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
God asked.

"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.

"Then why did you? "
said the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.

"She started it ! "
Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too! "

"DID NOT ! "

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY !

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life
   teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
   the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward
   for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
   some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.
   In fact, they usually repeat word for word
   what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
   is to remind yourself that there are children
   more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes,
   but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU ! HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

LOL!

marybs you never fail to make me smile

Good, I'm glad! What is a world without laughter?

I'll just have to see if I can do the same with my sermons

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his
lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they
entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on
each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed
contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the
preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were
also puzzled. The preacher had never given them any indication that he
particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many
long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious
behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker asked, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly,
"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."