divorce

[medic78]

I am a Christian who has been married 15 years. We have 3 dc. The 3rd was a happy accident (gift from God). Dh wasn't so keen but supported me throughout the pregnancy.

Since than he has said some pretty horrendous things about our 3rd dd. He twice said she should have been aborted and once called her a f*ing brat that I didn't even want. It all came to a heD again than wee when he wanted to have sex whilst dd was crying the other side of the door.
Really I don't know what to do. Dh has gone to his parents. I don't like the ide of divorcing but it would be worse staying wouldn't it?
Any advice appreciated.
Thank you

Your DH wanted to have sex whilst your DD was crying on the other side of the door? Have I got that right? That is truly appalling. That's not love that's control and subordination in a very nasty way.

Clearly he resents your DD hugely and is taking revenge through manipulation and worse.

How is he with your other DDs?

Seriously, divorce - though I do understand it would be a really awful option for you - would be better than your poor DDs (and you) having to live with this man.

No he isn't a Christian. Marriage was ok pre dds birth. He is ok with other dc. Although can get shouty with them.

Thank you for replies.

He sounds awful although may be he's under stress with 3 children one of whom may still be a baby?
Sometimes the only time to have sex is when a child is crying a bit though otherwise you never do it if you have permanent criers as some new parents do - not ideal but all you can manage.

I couldn't have sex while my child was crying, I wouldn't be able to concentrate or enjoy it, so it would be pointless to carry on.

I have to agree with you OP, if your DH doesn't change, then divorce would be a much better option than staying. I would suggest he goes to Counselling for his anger/resentment if you decide to stay in your marriage. I wish you strength and clarity of mind in the times ahead.

Maybe he's just going through a phase of fustration and feeling restricted by having three young children? Lots of parents can get fustrated with a crying baby and although the things he's said are extremely hurtful, did he really mean them? We've all said things to our DC at done point in our life that we regretted or didn't mean.

Your decision to seperate shouldn't be based soley on what happened in these couple of incidents. You need to Loonat the big picture and ask yourself truthfully- is he a good father? Does he love and cherish you and his children? When he said these comments did he mean what he said? Is he going through a stressful time and reacting badly to it or is this how he always is? If you talk to him about his attitude towards your DD will he realise what a jerk he was and try to change his manner? Do you love him? Do you think your DC will have a better life without him in it?

As a Christian, I think my first bit of advice would be to try and resolve the issues with some outside help, could you talk to him about getting some marriage counselling? His current behaviour isn't acceptable, but has he always been like that? It might be that he's reached the end of his tether and just can't cope anymore. Getting some support and help might be able to resolve that. Talk to him. If you can't work it out you could try separating for a time to get some perspective and see if you can work it out from there?

Thank you. Nice to get different perspective. He is a good father in that he provides for dc and does spend time with older two and has made some effort with you ger one recently.
However, I forgot to mention in op that he had bad mouthed me in front of dc which clearly isn't healthy. He apparently told dc that I was fat because I buy too much food and that he was going to drive home and leave me to walk. This ks because I was too long in supermarket. Much of this time was spent trying to decide which mullercorners to get him. This upset me especially as ds had been saying he wishes his legs were thinner. Ok I am a size 20 but it still hurt.
He also was extremely unsupportive in the early days. He didn't really help with dd or house at all when I was struggling. Still doesn't except diy and garden I was bogged down with all the Christmas parties etc you get at the end of term. Yet according to dh he couldn't help because it would kill him. Apparently I was only struggling because I go out too much spending his money.
Sometimes I think he does need help and that he may have issues to deal with. However, he has always been successful workwise so clearly doesn't treat work colleagues this way.
Really confused. Not even sure how to word the conversation.

Third dd is 18 months old now.

I hope I don't offend with my opinion, and please, I mean this with love over and above anything.

Regardless of your religion or what religion has taught re marriage etc, if you are not happy in your relationship and cannot see ways to change for the better (and by that I mean NOT sacrificing yourself to the point of immense unhappiness) then it's time to make a change to release yourself.

Please follow your heart to what will make you happy. At the end of the day being 'married' is a commitment made at a point in time, things change and so much hurt has been caused by people trying to fix something that just cannot be fixed.

I wish you love

IB x

Do you have anyone at church you can talk to?
I think to be honest he sounds abussive. You need to look at how much harm he is doing to the children and you. Is he modelling what a father should be to them? Is he showing them what love is? Would you be happy for your children to have him as the image they have of "Father"?

I'm fairly certain that whatever God you believe in you are not expected to sacrifice the physical and emotional wellbeing of you or your children on the altar of their father's crappy attitude.

Thank you. Think I will speak to the minister.

So hard to admit wee are having problem s. At house group this week we were talking about child protection and this really hit home.

Sounds awful. Please use this time away from him to consider all your options. Wishing you well whatever you decide.