Apparently, these are all taken from actual church notices:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much
about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
Church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"