Hit by Mid-life Crisis - looking for the meaning of life

[nextfiveyears]

It's not that my life is really bad or something. I have a husband who's my best friend, a lovely young child whom I love very much.

But about two months ago, I was suddenly hit by the realization that half of my life has gone and I'm far far far away from what I always "thought" I would be all those years when I was young. I fear if I carry on like this, I would feel deeper regret that I didn't make this world a better place.

This "discovery" made me feeling empty and lost.

Is there anyone else ouy there feeling the same way? Is that all we shall accept about life, just work to earn a living and take care of your fami

I am a INFJ (used to be INFP when I was young).

Yes I know what you mean. I think there is some kind of tipping point.. When you are younger you are working towards building a life, education, jobs, career, promotions, buying a house, having kids... Then it becomes about doing things for your children and then they grow up and you may be left wondering what the point is? That is how I feel, just given up work and though I volunteer 1 day per week and have teens doing exams I am wondering what do I do now! This may be different if you have younger children?

I also have DH with chronic illness and two elderly (mid to late 80s) relatives who need support.

My plan is to keep trying new things and to embrace mindfulness so it becomes about the present moment more.

Hi ,Ruby, thanks for the reply. I started last week thinking to retrain as a teacher. But after all DH is less supportive on this idea, fearing too much sacrifice(financially and time wise) would do no good to the family. I understand his point, but I think it's very unhealthy to put all my focus/value for the family. After all, behind the roles as a mum and a wife, we are individuals and have our own value independently. As you said, we would be lost one day when our children need us less and less while the financial stability isn't where we find who we are.

Ruby,it must be difficult when you have little energy or time available to yourself because you are being the support of the family. It's good that you have one day set aside to volunteer. At least it would give opportunity to allow you see yourself outside the roles as a wife to husband and as a daughter for parents.

I think lots of people feel that way at some point.

Your posting on this board so maybe faith is something you might like to explore? I'm a Christian and faith is one thing which helps give you a broader perspective. You understand that you are part of a much broader picture. Your life is immeasurably valuable and unique but it also stands within God's work and plans from before time began to eternity. My church is running and identity course which talks about these kinds of issues - who am I, what's my life about etc. Maybe there is one near you.

Another idea is to get volunteering/involved in something you care deeply about. You can change the world by just spending time with an older person who is lonely, helping a mum who is struggling (through surestart schemes), fundraising for a charity like save the children etc. It makes a huge difference to peoples lives. Studies show volunteering makes volunteers joyful (it's up there with dancing!).You get back as much as(or more than) you give.

As a Christian I think we are made to be people who love and serve one another just like Jesus did so it seems kinda obvious that when we love and serve others we feel more ourselves/more purposeful/more fulfilled.

It's all easy to say much harder to do! Hope that helps a little.

What is it you thought you would be at this stage that you are not?

People have different motivations. For some it will be making money, doing deals. For some it is caring for others and for some it is expressing themselves creatively. Most of us need a little bit of all those things at some point.

I agree that you can make the world a better place simply by your actions towards those you encounter in daily life, and by being mindful of how your actions affect others who you may not ever know. It sounds like you want to do more than this though, so looking to work in an area where you can make a difference seems like a sensible thing to do. A good teacher is certainly someone who can make a difference to people's lives. I'd have thought teaching was infinitely more family friendly than many other professions, and I don't think it is fair of your dh to expect you to sah if it isn't making you happy and if your family finances can cope with you retraining. Have you thought about training to be a counsellor or some sort of therapist?

I love being at home with ds right now and i find a lot of fulfilment in it. I don't want to do it for ever though, and i totally understand the feeling of losing your individual identity - i actually have a very strong sense of my 'self' but am acutely aware that when meeting others they sometimes act as though i left my brains in the delivery room along with the placenta! When ds needs me less then i will start on my next chapter and am already working towards that. It is something that i hope will enable me to help others.

I would definitely recommend mindfulness. It is a wonderful tool for dealing with stress and anxiety, but the most important aspect of it is that by living truly in the moment we see all the things that we miss when we spend most of our time dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. It will help you be kind to yourself.

What I like to think of, when feelings you might not have achieved anything great in your life, is how the very, seemingly smallest, acts of kindness can have a huge knock on effect in their implications.

Sort of like the story HG Wells (I think) wrote about going back in time and squashing a butterfly which had huge knock on effects in the future (present day).....

I honestly believed "Mid-life crisis" is a myth and even if it happens, only applies to men or people who's having relationship issue at home. Didn't know "I" could be hit and so hard... Quite depressed for a few weeks and terribly lack of motivation for anything. A bit purposeless.

DH wants me to improve my work situation by change industry, but still want me be reasonable about the financial side. But to be honest, my current job destroyed my last bit of faith in business and people who run a company. And I'm so not good at dealing with office politics and "the inspiring talk". With all what I had experienced, I couldn't find the motivation to carry on or change to another industry. That's how I started thinking to be retrained as a teacher.

fizzoclock, I did lots of research about teaching and the prospect of education system in this country. The more I read, the less confidence I have. Survey says primary teachers work 60 hours a week on average. The highest point of the pay scale is less than my salary now. Even if I don't mind a pay cut, the 60hours/week workload is a bit scary - particularly my little one is still very young.

I wouldn't have time to do much volunteer work. I work full time, and housework as well as precious time with family take all the time at weekends. (That's also the other reason why initially I thought to move to teaching as a career.)

I do believe we have souls and we are here for a purpose. To live shouldn't be just for ourselves...

Yes, fizzoclock , OneEggIsAnOeuf , capsium , all of you are right. Little things we give out makes a difference to people around us to the surroundings. But in my mind, I deeply sympathize so much those who could have a normal life, particularly children who can't see a bright future only because of the traps in life. (I thought to be a teacher in the deprived area...)

I'm so sick of myself thinking all the time what otherwise I could be while taking no action. Simply because of fearing what if I am wrong, I wouldn't be as capable to achieve, or the damage to people around me for whom I have responsibility...

Why not take a little step, then OP?

There is a massive range to volunteer work, I think the more 'difficult stuff' will offer training as well. Something simple such as doing someone's shopping for them, or offering lifts to the doctors can make a big big difference.

There is no danger to finding out what you could do, it sounds like you have a burning need to do something.

Sorry, missed you do not have much time to do volunteer work.

I think if you don't have much time to do, it might be worth making a list of all the small things you could fit in and doing them.

Eg, sorting out old books and clothes to donate to charity, weekends activities that can involve the family but also fundraise (these are often advertised in local papers), being kind to neighbours, some may welcome help with shopping or lifts if they are infirm, babysitting for people...

If you do have fath you may well find being part of a local church community will help. Churches have many kinds of groups which serve local needs and respond to people around them. I am Catholic and the Catholic church has a volunteer organization called The Society of St. Vincent de Paul (SVDP) Parishes around the world start small groups. The group helps people locally in need, they do not need to be Catholic or even Christian, the members receive some training but most help is quite straightforward. The whole of the parish supports with financial help, giving food to the foodbank or furniture and household goods when needed.

The SVDP group I was part of paid for a local unemployed man to take his long-distance truck driving exam so he could find a job, at Christmas we would buy presents from the lists struggling parents gave us for their children. Rent would be paid for local families, much of the help was not financial - it might be emotionally supporting a family struggling with a special-needs child, or visiting someone who was lonely, or helping someone in their home who was recovering from an operation - we saw the needs and met them. Ordinary people helping ordinary people. If you don't have time to volunteer you can support financially or pray for the people involved.

capsium , lookingforfocus . Thank you so much for the response and tips. I think it's a good idra to make a list, which would provide me with a better picture of what I can do and what I shall focus. I will check out more ways to help people financially. We are far from well off, but at least a lot better than people who don't have a job while raising a family... I will also check with the church to see if anything feasible for me to dedicate to...

Thanks again!

nextfiveyears, is there space on your list for those skills you have, but never thought to have made a living from? I am sure you have certain talents that you might just have taken for granted (for example aspects of your personality...good listener, etc) OR, if time is short - could you in any way reduce your hours in your current employment to allow you a bit of flexibility to explore other 'things' in life? OR do something with a few hours at night, say - write your book that you didn't get round to before.

In my own life, I am now more fully embracing my energy healing skills, and finding that after many years in a stressful office environment, where days and weeks roll by and stress upon stress just keeps cycling round: the energy healing is such a joy. It's like finding my own perfect place in the world, whilst sharing this gift (as a business....bills bills bills & family) to those who feel drawn to me to receive some relaxation or deeper energy work. Such satisfaction seeing the relaxing shift in my clients, and a faster recovery time for those who cross my path :)
Just a thought, perhaps you might like to learn reiki or similar? It's real, and it works :)