I wondered if I could maybe talk this out a bit with any Christians on here.
I am coming out of an eight year marriage which was emotionally abusive and pretty desolate. It took a terrible toll on my mental health, and after a year of being apart I am like a different person (well - like I was before I had all the confidence sucked out of me). We split up a year ago, which was a difficult decision to make as a Christian, but after lots of prayer and support, I still feel comfortable with my decision. The divorce is still in the process of going through - I'm waiting for the decree nisi - there have been some problems with to-ing and fro-ing of paperwork, and it is taking longer to go through than I had hoped.
Anyway... I hadn't planned to get into another relationship again - but I have. I have someone come back into my life that I have known for about 20 years. We have a "history" - in that we always had strong feelings for one another - but one of us was always with someone in the whole time we knew one another, so we never got together. There was a long gap of not seeing one another in the middle, and I moved to a different part of the country - only for us to end up living in the same town years later by pure coincidence. He has been divorced for a few years.
We started meeting up a couple of months ago, initially as friends for a drink and a chat, but it has escalated very quickly. We haven't slept together at this point, but emotionally we've become extremely attached - much quicker than a lot of new relationships - but as I say, we have the history, which changes things considerably. He is kind, gentle, intelligent, witty - he adores me - for who am I with all my faults, we have a crazy amount in common. It feels right. It feels like a gift.
We are restricted in how much we see one another, as I don't want to introduce him to my daughter until the divorce has come through and I can speak to STBXH about him first - and also we are having to move house and I want her to feel settled and secure before I introduce more change to her life. I don't get much time to myself, so he and I meet a couple of times a week for an hour or so and spend a lot of time on Skype. There have been a couple of times that DD has been with her Dad overnight, but I've not taken advantage of that to spend the night with my new man yet...
The thing is, were I not a Christian, I probably would have done by now - but I became a Christian 3 years ago, at a very low part in my life - and God has been so faithful to me and walked me out of a really horrible situation. In Church a few months ago, the passage in the Bible was covered where it is said that even if you are divorced, if the other party hasn't committed adultery or died - then you are essentially committing adultery if you get together with someone else.
I'm feeling so conflicted - because my divorce hasn't even come through (even though the marriage is well and truly over with absolutely no chance whatsoever of reconciliation) and I am kissing another man, and in love with him - and I have committed adultery in my mind even if we haven't slept together yet...
Then there is the fact that I'm not some young virgin - I am in my 40s. I have a child. Though the tally of people I've slept with in the past isn't huge, I have had sex with a few people in my life - including one night stands when I felt like it. If I were to have sex with this man it would be because I see us having a long-term future, so it's not just some guy I've picked up in a club. In fact it would be much more meaningful and loving than sex was within my marriage. I really want to have a sexual relationship with him, and I'm not sure that it's fair to keep making him wait, though he has been totally patient, respectful and understanding and hasn't pressured me at all. (I'll add here that my marriage lacked intimacy - with STBXH withholding sex and affection from me most of the time, and making me feel as though I was physically repulsive - so I almost had to put the sexual part of myself "in a box" - being with someone who desires me is awakening feelings that I thought I'd never feel again, which is wonderful and scary at the same time).
I know that a lot of Christians remarry these days - go on to have relationships beyond divorce. I don't worry about being "punished" for this - I do believe in Grace - but I kind of worry that I'm... upsetting God? Does that make sense? But at the same time, I feel as though this relationship is a gift - it doesn't feel as though it's something from the Enemy. I'm not having any "warning bells" in my head about it.
Anyway, sorry - this is long - I just wondered if anyone here has had a similar walk
Thanks for reading this far!