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Original poster

The vicar and his wife

81 replies

curiosity · 23/07/2006 18:48

I've recently found out that our vicar and his wife got together a long time ago whilst both married to other people.

I have no strong feelings on this subject, but I've been thinking about it since I was told. I am not a regular churchgoer, although DH does attend.

I have no wish to offend anyone with this post, and whilst everyone is entitled to their views, I'm mostly interested in how churchgoers view this.

OP posts:
Xavielli · 23/07/2006 18:53

Where they Christian at the time?

Original poster
curiosity · 23/07/2006 18:54

Yes, he's been a vicar for a long time.

OP posts:
flibbertygibbet · 23/07/2006 19:33

Are you very sure of your facts?
Most UK denominations have a fairly poor reputation in coping with vicars/ministers/pastors who split up with their spouses (no matter where the fault/blame lies), and certainly tend to send them packing very promptly if they are caught having an affair.

Having said that one of local vicars got together with his wife having had an affair with her, whilst still married.
But it was before he was a vicar.

Original poster
curiosity · 23/07/2006 19:38

Yes, I'm very sure of my facts.

OP posts:
shortcake · 23/07/2006 19:47

I am a Christian - and although I believe we need to be forgiving , I do not think that he should have continued to be a vicar and I am very suprised he was not disaplined by the church of england. It goes against Christian teaching and doesn't glorify God.

Original poster
curiosity · 23/07/2006 20:18

I understand that there was a disciplinary hearing, but I don't know the outcome of that, other than he is obviously still a vicar.

OP posts:
Original poster
curiosity · 23/07/2006 21:23

bump for other opinions

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Goldie · 23/07/2006 22:34

Here's my take on it: God hates divorce. But I bet so do at least half the people who go through it. God hating divorce just means that he knows the emotional devastation it causes, and wants that not to happen, and that we should try everything we can not to let that happen. But we are human, we fail, we get so hurt that sometimes we cannot try any more, we struggle and we get it wrong. And, having completely messed up, thank God we can go to Him and pour it all out and have Him hear us and love us and forgive us.
None of us knows the circumstances of the couple you are talking about, nor should we judge.

Original poster
curiosity · 23/07/2006 22:39

I'm not judging Goldie, I'm just curious as to what people, particularly people who might be ministered by a vicar, feel about this.

As I said earlier, I have no strong feelings on the matter.

Thanks for your opinion, and others on this thread.

OP posts:
chopsolata · 23/07/2006 22:42

does being a vicar make you not human??? I dont think anyone can pass judgement on this, no-one knows what their previous relationships were like, the circumstances, or what happened so as long as they are happy and committed to each other now and he's not a serial shagger then they should be left to enjoy their relationship

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 23/07/2006 22:43

first thoughts - does it actually matter if it happened such a long time ago and presumably he's been faithful to his current wife.

Secondly - were the vicar and his wife actually 'with' their respective partners when they started seeing each other - or had they split up and waiting for a divorce?

3rdly - are you 100% certain that he was a vicar before this occured?

Original poster
curiosity · 23/07/2006 22:49

Chopsolata, he is the most human of human beings I have ever met.

OP posts:
Original poster
curiosity · 23/07/2006 22:50

first thoughts - No it doesn't matter QOQ, I'm just curious as it's a new situation to me.

Secondly - they were with their previous partners when the relationship started.

3rdly - yes he was a vicar before this occurred.

OP posts:
chopsolata · 23/07/2006 22:50

exacly and therefore cannot control who he falls in love with, why or when, just like the rest of us. Good luck to them I say

MaryBS · 24/07/2006 04:04

Its something I might struggle with on a personal level, as I've been on the other end of a marriage breakup, where my ex-'D'H left me for another woman, and the breakup was very painful. However I would hesitate to judge them as its not my place to judge them. I presume the disciplinary hearing went into it all. I don't know, its a tough one.

My own vicar is divorced/remarried. He became a vicar afterwards. I've deliberately not wanted to know the details. I know he is a good man, and he has been married for 17 years.

ghosty · 24/07/2006 05:18

I used to know a very prominent C of E bishop (he has sadly passed away a couple of years ago) and I know that he would say that by shutting the door to people who are 'human' ie. not exempt from making mistakes etc in life, the Church sometimes misses the mark when trying to seem a 'welcoming and loving' institution.
I had a long conversation about whether I could marry in Church as I was never christened. He said that it was his belief that God would want to welcome people into his house no matter what their circumstances. He (this bishop) was very pro women vicars when that came about and said that marrying divorced people in church shouldn't be an issue (see his above views on a 'welcoming and loving church').
An amazing man and if there were more christians in the world like him I may think of becoming one.
I think that your vicar's calling in life and love of god etc has no connection to his private life. He probably tries to (and should) live by example but he is human after all ...

bloss · 24/07/2006 08:01

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longwaytogo · 24/07/2006 10:27

yes the betrayl may be too big and being in any kind of leadership in church does mean that you are looked at as being "perfect" but at the end of the day even vicar's are human, they make mistakes, life happens to them the same as it happens to any one else. Sin is sin and just because they are ordained ministers it does not mean they are excempt to sin.

As a church in general we preach forgivness, love, compassion, acceptance but when it comes to leadership its a differnet matter - do wrong and generally your out. I say well done C of E for practicing what they preach.

Ghosty I wish there were more bishops etc with hearts like his.

bloss · 24/07/2006 10:37

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Xavielli · 24/07/2006 10:43

If your Vicar were to argue with his parents, would you think he was no longer suitable to be a Vicar?

The honest answer would be "no".

To God, sin is sin, whether it is a little white lie or murder, they are the same. It is men that have made some worse than others.

If your Vicar has it sorted with the Lord, then who are we to argue?

bloss · 24/07/2006 10:54

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waterfalls · 24/07/2006 11:03

I dont think he deserves any more judgement just because he is a vicar, he is just human after all, why should he stay in an unhappy marriage just because of his proffesion?

My bet is the facts have been twisted, its possible his ex ended the marriage, and his new wive was a platonic friend at the time, and for some time afterwards.

bloss · 24/07/2006 11:10

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bloss · 24/07/2006 11:31

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roisin · 24/07/2006 15:17

I'm with you on this Bloss.
In our church (Baptist) it would be extremely unusual for someone to continue in ministry after an affair has been discovered/admitted.
And certainly if the minister was unrepentant - i.e. went off with the other woman rather than returned to his wife - then that would be the end of his career: rightly so IMO.