Welcome to muslim tea room 2.

[defuse]

Peace to you all

Ok, well here it is again...we have moved to room 2 now

Discuss whatever aspect of islam you like my lovely sisters - this is a place for muslims and non-muslims too, to share experiences, raising kids or just having your say!

The kettle is on.... We have loads of herbal teas, coffee and guava juice .... I like guava juice so welcome!

woohoo I'm back, had such a palavar with the password reset..!!!!!!

Having just read sis Crescents post, I have to say I am always deeply touched by the posters who speak up for us for no reason other than they firmly believe in the freedom of personal expression and see us as equal human beings with thoughts and desires and choices of our own.

I find some of the threads very very goady, I can spot the anti semitic/islamic threads at ten paces and do not go on them.

They're all repetitive anyway.

I've got a new assistant at work and she has forced me to wear colour, well not forced but teased me mercilessly. So to show her I wore colour (she's a temp so I'm going right back to black when her contract runs out!).
I have a vague idea I want to style my hijabs a bit more, if only to find a more suitable style for my face, I don't want something insane or attention grabbing, easy and doens't fall into a mess by 5pm would be good.......

Right shall go and read the thread now inshallah!

crescent. You have had messages withdrawn and i have no idea why! Didn't get to read the thread until now. I wish i could stop myself from going on goady threads, but i cant! Has something else kicked off by the way?

Ok.....what is a colour me beautiful consultant? I could just google it, but since you have visited one, you are the best person to ask crescent. Is it a what not to wear kinda thing? Do they tell you which colours suit you etc? Or am i way off the mark?

Sorry I've been gone for so long, salam everyone.

I have been busy lately. But I did recently pass my driving theory test and hopefully starting lessons soon inshaAllah, so please make dua for it to go well. For one reason or another, I need to be on the road by september this year.

Crescent, I am not sure if I will be doing the open university degree as of yet, but I might be doing something else a little bit less taxing in the meantime. I have been given some sincere advice by somebody and I have decided to take it and defer committing myself to a degree at this time. But inshaAllah there is hope for the future.

I am having a bit of a renaissance of faith recently and I feel really good about it. It is hard though because I feel as though I can't manifest this increase in iman as well as I'd like for fear of offending non muslim family. They wouldn't necessarily have anything negative to say, but I have a huge people pleasing complex and it stops me from asserting myself and putting myself first, instead focussing on how my decisions affect others.

I'm really trying to break this behaviour but I think it has a lot to do with my upbringing and constantly living up to expectations of being polite and agreeable. I validate people so much. I have a bit of a fear of not being accepted and I don't deliberately try to be deceptive about my opinions but I am very good at gauging what people's personalities are and saying what they want to hear.

I have even noticed recently that I copy the pattern of speech of whoever's company I am in, and it is quite embarrassing for me, and makes me a bit sad that I feel I have a crisis of identity. And this kind of stems from being mixed race but being raised around only one side of my cultural identity but looking like the other.

Sorry to offload all of this on you, but sometimes you just have to get things off your chest and I feel that no one else understands.

I am desperate for advice if anyone has any.

Assalamu Alaykum sisters,

I'm new to mumsnet, so thought I'd pop over here and say a big salaam to you all. I've just read a few posts so far, and since they've included 'Inayah', ahadeeth and any other helpful advice, looks like I might just make myself comfortable around here.

After giving birth to my second daughter a few months back, I've been so busy and feel like my iman has dropped at an all time low. Just really want that to change :(

Salaam all.

ummshi i found this article...i have c&p'd. I havent read it all myself yet, (got 1000 things to do) but am hoping it will help.

Are you a people-pleaser?
Do you believe that others' needs must come before your own (these are not valid needs like food or shelter but are the extra things that we do)? Do you identify with the following statements?
I often do more for other people and often let myself be used so I won't be rejected for other reasons.
I often do a lot for other people because I don't want to let them down even when I know that their demands are excessive and or unreasonable.
I always think of others, especially at the expense of my own health (especially mental health).
I often hear people who really care about me tell me, “Learn to say, 'No.' You need to stand up for yourself. You are too nice.”
Some of the most common people pleasing behaviors:
Putting others' needs before yours.
Keeping your opinion to yourself because you think it will upset others.
Saying yes to every request.
Feeling guilty when you say no.
Feeling selfish when you do something for yourself.
Suppressing emotions because you fear that if you express then you will upset others.
Feeling that you have no control over your life.
Avoiding confrontation.
Going out of your way to appease others.
Feeling crushed by criticism and disapproval.

The most destructive among the above common people pleasing behaviors is feeling selfish when you do something for yourself. Mothers tend to do this a lot. We are willing to spend hours cheering for our children's soccer games but will feel guilty for slipping out to spend an hour on the treadmill. Many of us will spend hours organizing our husband's closets but feel guilty going to a halaqah for an hour. We slave away at these relationships, avoiding all conflict and all negative emotions, but they are simmering inside us and will eventually lead to stress and health problems. If you keep continuing in this way, then you will either burst with hostility at some point or will fall into depression.
We put a lot of effort in pleasing others, we think we are fulfilling their rights and then we compromise. We need to understand that if we please All?h, everyone else will be eventually be automatically pleased with us. Many self-help books don't look at the spiritual aspect of this behavior. I am not saying that all people pleasing behavior is wrong. Indeed we are told:
“And do not forget to do good to one another.” (2:237)
'Abdullah b. 'Umar narrated that the Messenger of All?h said, “Whoever fulfilled the needs of his brother, All?h will fulfill his needs; whoever brought his (Muslim) brother out of a discomfort, All?h will bring him out of the discomforts of the Day of Resurrection, and whoever screened a Muslim, All?h will screen him on the Day of Resurrection.”
And remember how the Prophet was pleased with the man who baked bread for his companions while on a journey.
Really ask yourself: Why do you do the things that you do? Correct your niyyah at every step. Do what you do solely for the sake of All?h. If you feel like doing it to earn His Pleasure and not for anyone else then al?amdulill?h you are on the right track.
Memorize this du`a for Riyaa taught to us by the Prophet and recite it often:
“Allahumma innaa na'udhu bika an-nushrika bika shay'an na'lamuhu, wa nastagfiruka limaa laa na'lamuh. [O All?h, we seek refuge in you from committing shirk knowingly, and ask your forgiveness for (the shirk that we may commit unknowingly].”

crescent my wardrobe is awful. It is full of clothes that dont fit anymore , but i keep them in the hope that one day perhaps!!

Salaam baby and welcome welcome.

Our iman goes up and down...we are human. Prophet Muhammad (saw) used to make this dua: "Yaa muqallibal quloob, thabbit quloobana 'la deenik

O Turner of the hearts, make our hearts firm on Your deen.

Make yourself comfortable in the tea room, have a cuppa and the sisters on here will inshallah help in any way they can.

Thanks elusive and crescent. I did totally identify with those behaviours at the beginning of that article. It even took me a while to realise I was a people pleaser. I only just realised about two years ago and it has been a battle ever since to change things. I really pray that Allah will make this easier for me. Thanks also for sharing a little of your own difficulties crescent. I find it helps to know you are not the only one that is having troubles. I'm hoping with age, I become better at saying no and being more assertive. InshaAllah.

Salam baby. It is a shame that you feel that having a baby has taken you further away from Allah, when everything that you are sacrificing for that little baby is earning you reward. I know how it feels though, as do all mothers I suppose. It is hard, inshaAllah soon you will get back on track. This thread has personally helped me. Ramadhan is on its way which is always a good time to make positive changes. I pray things get better for you.

On the contraception topic, that's something I have thankfully not had to think about in a while due to pregnancies and breastfeeding. I know some muslims don't believe any contraception is permissible. I haven't really decided personally but I guess I'll have to think about it at some point.

Hope everyone is enjoying the good weather though, apparently we are having a two week heatwave.

Heatwave? What heatwave? Have I missed it again. But then again, i am one of those people who are always cold!!

As for contraception, the coil most definitely wont work for me....the thought of it just makes me wanna cross my legs!! (Sorry if that was TMI). Hormones would just make me permanently PMTish! So I really dont have many options really do I!

Tiredness kicking in now, baby hope you are doing ok. Dont give yourself too hard a time....remember, if we raise our kids right, they will be a sadaqah jaariya for us inshallah - ibaadah in itself.

Off to look at crescent's links now...

Goodnight all.

Salaam all,

Hope everyone is well.

crescent sis, there is nothing wrong with using hormonal contraception, just not the right option for me - as for the coil.....eurgh - the thought is too traumatic - my insides would be red raw

But yes, they are more reliable than the withdrawal method. Not sure about the rulings on the coil, but if its ok for most schools of thought as you say then thats ok.

Off topic, so glad they are doing something about the Nigeria girls abduction.

Salaam sisters and welcome baby. I hope you stay around, being on this thread has helped my imaan increase as I too had a dip recently. I think that Ramadan approaching will help you inshallah. And congratulations on the birth of your baby. Have you got any Muslim women groups near you that you could join?

I've not had chance to catch up fully but I just popped in to say hello and I hope you're all well.

I'll catch up and post later inshallah.

I must just quickly comment on your last post elusive you'll always be defuse.

I read about the Nigerian girls whilst I was away and it stunned me into silence, it sent shivers down my spine. Those poor girls and their families. Do they know where they are or just that they were kidnapped?

Salaam lost ,

I am happy to be defuse forever . I am not good at picking out nicknames so defuse and elusive were both random words that came to my head when trying to join up.

On the Nigeria kidnap, I was reading that the army was reluctant to take on Boko Haram as they are afraid of the better-equipped terrorist groups! Apparently a warning was received 4 hours prior to the kidnap, yet no action was taken
Apparently they think they are in a certain region and I hope they find them soon now that international help has been offered too.

Yes I just read about the warning they were given, and they think they've been split into 4 groups. I think there's also talk that some of them have also been 'sold' already. Horrendous.

Has anyone got much planned for the weekend ahead?

Salams all,

How have you all been? Nice to see a new face here baby and the return of others Lost and Ummshi. How was your holiday Lost? Hope it went well. Ummshi I know what you mean about being a people pleaser. I do that thing too where I mimic people and the person normally notices it too which makes it even more embarrassing. I too think its related to childhood issues and feeling the need to be a good child. I was quite naughty when I was a child (a bit hyperactive and Im dreading that my children are going to be like that too) but totally went the opposite way when I became a teenager and became super reserved and well-behaved. My parents use to always compare me favourably to my more boisterous, rebellious siblings and I liked that I was making them happy and being noticed so tried even harder to always be the perfect child and always do the right thing. As I got older though it took a huge toll on me having to always suppress what I wanted to please others, having to back down in confrontations especially with siblings to make parents happy and the more that you try to please others the more they begin to take you for granted. I began feeling so much resentment towards my family as I felt that they always put my needs down but it was me who was allowing them to do it. Finally I decided that I will only do things for others if my intention behind it is to please Allah SWT because if you do something for somebody expecting that they will return the favour or appreciate you for it then you may or may not get that but if you do it for Allah SWT your action will always be appreciated and returned to you. Its really helped me as now when I make a commitment to help someone especially close family I think deeply now about how the action will effect me and why Im doing it so if I feel I will be giving too much of myself and will be hurt by not having that appreciated I tend to avoid doing that action but if I feel that it will cost me nothing and I dont want or need appreciation for it I do it. I dont know if that makes sense or how Islamic it is but its helped me get some balance in to my life.

Thanks for the duas Elusive and Crescent. Will definitely need to learn some. You know Im starting to panic about Ramadhan. I havent fasted in Ramadhan for two years because I was expecting one year and the next was breastfeeding so I havent had to face the killer long, summer days fasting. My real dread is having to go to work whilst fasting. COuld really do with some advice from those who fasted last year and the year before and also fasted. How did you cope and what strategies helped you? My problem is that Im going to be main iftar cooker as well now so Im also feeling that pressure of having to produce delicious meals whilst fasting. I remember the brilliant iftars I had as a child and I want to recreate that for my family but just dont have the skills. Can anyone suggest any easy recipes that are iftar winners during Ramadhan. Last year I wrote a meal plan for the month but I wasnt working then so need some easier quick to make options.

*I meant those who fasted whilst working last two years how did you cope?