Lola have you read the story of the prodigal son?
You know it I am sure. Luke 15:11-32.
The guy asks for half the money from his dad. It's his inheritance. But his dad is still alive. In a way it's like saying 'I wish you were dead, dad.' Now his dad gives him the money and he goes and spends it. He spends it on wine and prostitutes. He could have spent it on package holidays and take-aways. It doesn't really matter. When it is all gone and he is broke and famine hits the land; he takes the only job he can find, the worst job, looking after pigs. It's a crap job and he probably stinks from mucking out the pigs. He's hungry and one day he comes to his senses (because once we know what we did wrong we kind of come back to ourselves) and he knows his dad is such a great man he treats his servants better than he is being treated.
So he goes back to his dad planning what he will say, how he will just be a servant. And the story says while he was still a way off the father saw him, he didn't need to get all the way back and starts telling his dad all the stuff he planned to say about not being worthy.. and the story says (in The Message version)...
"But the father wasn’t listening. He was calling to the servants, ‘Quick. Bring a clean set of clothes and dress him. Put the family ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Then get a grain-fed heifer and roast it. We’re going to feast! We’re going to have a wonderful time! My son is here—given up for dead and now alive! Given up for lost and now found!’ And they began to have a wonderful time."
I bet he was still all smelly from the pigs but I bet his dad hugged him close to himself.
Traditionally we tell this story about people coming back to God. But it is also a story about forgiveness.
The father in the story is God, and he is ready to forgive at the drop of a hat! Why, because it is who he is, and because he loves us – he loves us for who we are, his children. To not accept that forgiveness would be a bit like going back and insisting on being a servant. But the father makes it clear ‘Put the family ring on his finger’, he is not a servant, he is a son. So when God forgives he restores us, we don’t need to carry that shame around with us, he has dealt with it.
When your little one is older s/he will make mistakes, will you forgive? Now imagine if that forgiveness is not accepted, how will you feel?
God has already forgiven you, because of who he is and because of who you are, his beloved daughter. You do not need to hold onto this any longer. And even if you do not feel it fully yet, maybe you could say to God 'I accept your forgiveness and I want to move on. I know you love me like a father or mother rejoicing." or words to that affect. Then go on with your life and live it for his glory.
These things that happen to us, the things we do wrong, our cock ups and mistakes are terrible, but to hang onto them, when God wants to wipe the slate clean; that is even harder. You are treasured, treasure yourself.