existential angst in a 10yo - how to handle?

[edam]

Ds is being plagued by thoughts that he will die one day, his family will all die yet the universe carry on... it's giving him nightmares and making him very upset. And putting him off all his books on space and sci fi which he used to love.

Nothing I can say reassures him. Help?! Any bright ideas? Any books on philosophy that are good for 10yos? Thx...

This used to consume me when I was about that age. I obessed about the fact that one day there would be a world in it and my conciousness would have gone.

There was very little that consoled me. One was something my grandmother said. She told me that my fears would have disappeared by the time I was older and that in her observation the very old do not fear death and I needed to consider why that might be the case. I thought about this a lot and it did help allay my fears. The other thing that helped was the simple statement in a text book that all matter has been here since the creation of the universe and will be here to the end of it so there would be a form of existence after "me", just not "me" as such.

I do understand your son's fears - they are all consuming.

As a practical measure, I had a number of strategies for getting to sleep and have passed them on to my anxiety prone son (also 10):

1. I make lists using every letter of the alphabet. It might be a list of things I could find in the supermarket or boys names or anything really - try for at least 5 for every letter and really focus. You seldom get to the end of the alphabet.

1. Imagine where you are going to live in the future. Take each room in your house and furnish it bit by bit. Imagine everything that will be there and what you will do in each. Imagine your house has 100 rooms. What will be in each room and what will they before.

1. Ds loves mechanical things, so he also thinks up highly implausible traps for burglars and draws them in his head.

I don't know if it will help your chap, but what seems to have worked with my dc's is to ask them how they feel about the millions of years before they existed and to say that's what the bit after life will be like; they just won't know they have died to give a hoot. (Personally I think a lot of the 'how can the world go on without me' is our ego struggling to accept it's ultimate demise or something deep like that.) Like I say, saying that might have no effect, and ultimately it's something he'll work through in his time. Hope he feels better soon op.

Thank you everyone, very much appreciated. Sorry for late reply, our broadband went down and I had an accident, too boring to relate and am recovering, but distracted me. Apols. Some great ideas here.

Update -I'm going to buy Sophie's world but tried Goosey's room by room game and he loved it - thank you SO much!

Head, tried yours and although I'm sure it would work with some kids, it upset ds - thinking about the universe is one of the things that gets to him. Thanks for trying, though.

Aw no, sorry it upset him but glad the other ideas have helped your lo. It is a horrid stage

The getting to sleep strategies are good.

Sometimes these worries seem to be saying "what about me? Do I matter? How do I know I matter?" I think love and reassurance, a hug, an "I love you" and such like can really help.

My dc liked the concept that, after we die our bodies nourish the earth and help the flowers and trees to grow. So while we may no longer exist in the same form, parts of us continue to exist in other lovely, useful, recognisable forms.

Have a look also at Mr God This Is Anna.

Oh no, head, you really shouldn't feel bad, it was worth a try. And many of the things I tried had the same effect anyway...

Fridge, thanks - will look out for that. I'm sure you are right about 'do I matter' being at the heart of it. No wibbles last night when he came home beaming because he'd been elected school councillor!

Thanks - Crescent, I'm going to order some of the books on this thread now broadband is back (have been off work with a bad back and internet, unfortunately. Well, I did have my phone, but didn't want to put my card number in - always get it wrong on the phone anyway thanks to stupid pretend screen keyboard and tiny keys).

Blackberry, I'll look at that but it may not be quite right for ds - I tried explaining to him that we are all made of atoms that used to be in something else that used to be in something else and ultimately we are all made of stardust but that really didn't help, unfortunately.

Taking a totally different perspective....

For a Catholic we would say this is understandable and a point where we get to when we say "What is it all for?", "What's the point", "Why am I here, why is anything here?".

Our answer would be that we are uniquely created, once, a creature embodied with a soul. Our earthly body will live and die but our soul will live forever.

The vastness, mystery, complexity, awesomeness and beauty of creation can be overwhelming for us once with start to contemplate it as your son is doing.

In this vastness however we can have an intimate and personal relationship with God which will unite us with God and help us find our home and place in all this "stuff". We are loved with an ever-lasting love and "in him, we live and move, and have our being".

We have a life beyond the wonder that is stardust. Creation is not empty but alive, alive with the glory, beauty, goodness and truth of God.

Similar story with me. At that age I'd have panic attacks about dying. Did grow out of it by 13, when hormones and boys took over. Had a random panic attack about the same thing a few years ago, but nothing since.

Sorry meant to say - I found guided meditations (can be found on YouTube) helped me spiritually. Makes me more chilled and calm, and helped my mind move away from fear and panic.

We have talked in a fairly lighthearted way about how awful it would be if no one died- how impossibly overcrowded the earth would be. There would be no rom for anyone to be born: no kittens, no babies, just a lot of grumpy crowded old people.

Maybe this picture is to silly for someone who is thinking on a deeper level, but sometimes children can be surprisingly matter-of-fact about death, in spite of their fears.

Thanks MrsM, I'll have a look at those. We used to have a meditation for kids CD for him but goodness knows where it's gone.

Honey, yup, that is one of the functions of religion, but we aren't a church-going family and ds decided recently he's not a Christian.

Clara. My 94 year old Godmother and 79yo MIL would agree with you -both have decided that have Had Enough and while not inclined to take active steps in the matter, are quite ready to go when the moment comes.

Aw, poor chap. He must be very bright. I still can't get my head around the universe carrying on without me.

I used to babysit for a boy who was like this. He was lovely (and read PPE at Oxford). His mother used to get him to make lists of all the things he would do the following day, and to write a bit about what sort of things he imagined he might do when he grew up, so he didn't forget to fit everything into his life. He had a notebook and pen and I always had to turn off the light and remove the book and pen from his chest. It was nice because the death was acknowledged in the sense that it is sad and a good reason to value life and not waste it.

That's a nice story, Library.