Changing faiths, handling it with children.

[RealityQuake]

Name changed, name pretty much fits how I'm feeling.

I don't want to get into which, but I've been a member of a minority faith for 15 years. Recently there have been shakes and cracks in my faith but have always been comfortable in the not knowing everything. However, with deeper study, I've found some of things that I thought were there weren't true and completely go against who I am. I can no longer make it work, and my DH and I are in complete agreement that this is no longer the faith for us. It's a very difficult decision for me, I've built my entire worldview and identity around this - it may sound odd but my faith has been my main identifier and it's vanished in what feels like a blink of an eye. I am now going through what feels like a mourning and rebuilding process.

Interestingly, the first thing that came to mind when I realized this was no longer our path was "what about our kids". My oldest is 8, this is all they know. The holidays are all they know, the traditions. They are used to being different (hence why I specified minority) and really enjoy the parts they've taken part in. Telling them we are no longer going to celebrate their favourite holidays is going to be heartbreaking, all the issues are so far above them to explain. My first priority has been finding other celebrations to ease the hole. We haven't told them yet, I haven't found the words. I'm hoping someone on here has gone through similar and can give me some advice.

I changed faiths when I was 24. In my case it was from atheist to a faith. My family are all non- believers so they thought I had gone mad.

It was easier as many of the holidays that they celebrate secularly, are the same ones that I celebrate now in my faith. But they could not understand why I would now need to do some things differently (and felt it was 'anti' them if I didn't do it the way I was brought up to do)

I found it helped to look at what is culture and what is faith. I know plenty of real atheists in UK who celebrate Christmas with great enthusiasm. They deliberately choose to actively exclude the religious bits and talk to their children about why they don't do those bits, then add in their own traditions to make it their own celebration within their culture.

I wonder if there is a way forward there? Continuing with somethings at a cultural level (the food, the family time, the new clothes) but remove the religious parts and add in some things to make it clear what you do believe now.

Also my dh and I have deliberately made lots of little 'our family' traditions for our kids which bridge out different backgrounds.

Family and community are a big issue. Also honest explanations to kids go a long way. Don't underestimate what they can understand. 'We don't believe this because of x y and z. So we will not be going to the religious service anymore.' They may not agree with you, and that is their own choice to make too.

I get constant questions form my kids about why we believe something different to our family, we explain without criticizing others, which is a fine line to walk.

DH's parents left their religion when DH was about 8. They'd been a part of a very strict Christian community but came to the conclusion that a lot of the things that were being taught were misinterpretations or just plain wrong so made the decision to leave. For them there was the risk that none of the family would be allowed to stay in contact. Thankfully that didn't happen but there's now an unspoken rule that certain things are not discussed with his wider family purely to keep the peace!

DH was brought up in a relatively similar way to how he would've been had they stayed in that community. His parents continued to not celebrate Christmas/Easter in the same way that most families do - they only got presents on their birthdays. No Christmas decorations or anything! The main benefit of them leaving that community was that DH was allowed to go to uni & allowed to marry a 'worldly' girl like me! His cousins have moved abroad to find partners within their own faith.

It's going to take you all a while to adjust & find your way but take it one step at a time & don't worry if you don't get it right all the time! Is there any way you can simplify the issue for your DCs? Perhaps just telling them that you've been learning/thinking about certain things & have realised that it's not quite what you thought. Teach them that it's good to reassess even your most deeply held beliefs from time to time. Personally I think that blind faith can be very dangerous! You could start your own traditions - make more of an effort to celebrate birthdays, for example. Don't be afraid to explain your decisions in more depth though - they might not understand fully but I bet some of your words will stay with them & they'll learn what they mean as they grow up. DH certainly remembers when & why they left their community!

I'm not sure you can simply stop doing all the things you have done, are you part of a "church", does your 8y have friends there.

You can't simply take away part of a child's identity that age. They still need at least the family traditions of food, decorations, presents to continue in some form even if you gradually explain they don't mean the same to you any more.

I knew I was an atheist at 7, if my DDad had suddenly started believing in God, I'd have known he'd gone mad.

An 8 year old will have some idea of suffering in the world and a loose idea of heaven and life after death, they are old enough to find a comfort in faith. If it's a different faith to their friends they may identify with it and find comfort in it all the more.

No way is a child that age going to be able to explain doing things differently to their friends even if you manage to explain it to them.

You may have no choice in giving up practicing your faith and your DCs will probably leave that faith, at least for now, but it won't be without confusion.

I just want to echo what others have said, just to be honest with them - they'll understand and be more comfortable with your decision if you don't try to hedge around the subject. For me, in a very similar situation, (jojo, do I know your dh? ) I find we do still live in much the same way as we did - its not about rejecting everything we have ever known, but deciding exactly which bits we disagree with, iyswim.

And make sure your dcs can see that you as a parent haven't changed. They need that close bond right now, so that they have the confidence to approach you if they have worries around what is happening.

Is there any way you can continue to celebrate the holidays and events without the religious overtones? I'm pagan, and many of us don't believe in enforcing a faith on children, so we do things like Easter eggs, spring walks, attending May Day celebrations, celebrate Yule/Christmas, without bringing faith into it. It's nice to celebrate just being alive and the passing of the year, without having to bring religion into it.

I'd also be honest with the children, and just say that some of the things you believed/had been told, turned out not to be true for you, and so you have decided to change. That way you are teaching your children that it is okay to question and to change the status quo if it doesn't feel right.

Thank you for all your thoughts and kind wishes.

Our current religious holidays are not really up for being secularized - for example, one of the main ones is a holiday on the revealing of the scriptures which is kinda hard to secularize and I think more confusing than starting new holidays that do similar things (present giving, food, family, and such).

Due to our location, we'd visit for big occasions a couple times of year, but no, we were not part of a regular gatherings nor regular friends there. I have no idea how much they identify with it beyond they know we've celebrated these holidays which involve these foods rather than what their friends do. They have always done things differently from their friends - if you ask my 8 year old anything about Christmas, he'll say we do X instead, he actively chose when his youth club made Christmas cards to make other types instead. Their main connection to it is through the special occasions rather than the day-to-day stuff or higher spiritual stuffs. That's why it is our main focus as that's what's going to affect them most. Their social lives and other things are pretty unaffected but traditions and such are important even while we adults are searching and relearning.

Thankfully, our families aren't involved (DH and I both converted as adults, DH's side is mostly non-religious while mine was...right wing American is the best descriptor).

RealityQuake just wanted to say that I hope all is well for you. It must be a big thing to change your faith at this stage in life and I hope you will have some friendship and support in real life.

I wonder if your kids will continue to consider themselves part of that faith? Just curious.

Will you try and find another faith? Just curious again, please ignore me if I am being nosy.

I wish you all the best.

Just because you are changing do your children have to?

Can you let them continue with their celebrations and you have yours that they join in with?

E.g. I used to know someone who was eastern Orthodox, so Christmas is in January for him. He would go to his MIL for Dec 25th, join in their celebration but not believe it was Xmas, and then in January he and his wife would go to his mum's for their Xmas.