Not sure I'm dealing with this?

[weegiemum]

A friend (we were at theology college together) has just posted a fb status saying she's looking for a "reformed, charismatic" man.

In the theological sense. My reply was neutral-ish (do these men exist!) - she totally laid in to me and my husband who is really very thoughfully theological.

I dunno. I try and try with women whom just seem to want to submit. This friend has 2 dds with a guy (unmarried) who doesn't turn up for supervised contact. But she felt free to rubbish my dh (we've been married 18 years, 3 dc, he's a lay preacher) who is preaching at our church on Palm Sunday.

I'm just annoyed. So she has got it right and we dont?

Totally up to be flamed. I know I'm ur.

Perhaps she's jealous of your situation.

I think that's it. I'm happy for her to question me and my ideas. But I'm protective of my rather awesome dh!! (not that he needs it!)

Don't let it get to you. It seems strange she has posted it as a FB status, that just smacks of desperation really. My thoughts on this is "thank God its God who'll be judging you and not your "friend". (Do you think she still IS a friend? Sometimes friendships run their course... you don't have to unfriend her, you could just switch off her posts so you don't see them on your timeline.)

I feel a bit sorry today about feeling smug about my own domestic set up cpmpared to hers, its her choice and the children are hers, not mine.

However Mary, im thinking you are right that this frienship may have petered out. I know her partly from theology college and partly as she shared a flat with my best friend for a year.

Last night i checked the comments againn and she has totally laid in to me, and bf who also disagreed with her. Its quite vicious, accusing both of us of blasphemy, slandering God, not respecting the bible - I was told Im not allowing my husband to be a true christian man because I dont think he has authority over me. its all rather petty and childish, i know. Apparantly, because i am a "liberal feminist" i am an offence to Go and her.

So im stepping away for now. I dont need to take this from anyone.

Goodness, weegie, you are making the right decision to step away. Surely even if she firmly believes in the whole male authority doodah she shouldn't be talking to someone in this way. I've received similar from someone of the same opinion

I'm not too bad thanks! Was supposed to get my monthly drip thingy today but my cold meant I wasn't allowed it, so I'm back on Monday instead. Otherwise things are good, especially dd2 getting the final all clear on her hip condition - she can run to the end of the world now if she wants. Plus dh has come off his antidepressants and is in spectacular form!!

This thing, though, has bothered me so much. I'm not a true Christian, I'm stopping my husband from fulfilling his potential, I'm teaching my children wrong doctrine, I'm leading others astray, I'm giving in to Satan because I'm a feminist!! I know it's all rot, but it still hurts, I've supported her through a very difficult relationship where her 2 girls were born within a year to a dad who never sees them or pays for them, partly because she has actively tried to stop him. But now it's me in the wrong, apparently I've been offensive to her for years. Funny how she never said before!! But she's recently gone back to church, to a very, very traditional reformed church, and this is what she's hearing, and repeating.

I'll just step back, but still be there if she needs me. As if!

weegiemum I'm sorry you are being put through this. Try and relax and not allow these hurtful comments to dent you.

I have been a feminist for longer than a Christian (by a year or two) and when I made my commitment I really laid it all out before God about being a feminist and a Christian. I read the Bible (bits of it) and I found comfort, I did not feel my thoughts were wrong. I really felt/feel my feminist views are right. They do not clash with my love of God.

Lots of people, including those at my church, do not believe women should be in leadership, but I am confident in my thoughts and talk to God when I feel worried about anything. I make sure I read things that enlighten me, I make sure I have great supportive friends and although my church does not have a female leader actually women do a lot in my church and there is a lot of love and care and respect. The church is not perfect and neither are people and yes we do all disagree a lot at times (all of us Christians).

Perosnally, if people bring me down with their friendship I have to weight up how much I can support them before I feel they are trying to drag me under!

This woman does not sound like a very close or good friend. I think you can quietly let her go her own way (and I mean quietly because it is easier for you not because it is easier for her!) or you could speak to her and let her know she upset you.

Whatever happens do not allow her to steal your peace of mind. Your husband chose to marry you and you sound lovely, so he made a wise choice.

Many men don't want to go around ruling over others; they feel confident in their own masculinity to not feel the need to laud it over others.

Your friend sounds like she has had a tough time, you can offer her a shoulder of friendship but I would suggest you keep it simple, it's obvious if she takes offense at a joke that she needs things kept simple!

And remember if she says things you disagree with or makes any mean comments you don?t have to 'take it' and you don't have to bring her round to your way of thinking. You can quietly go your own way or simply say 'I don't agree.'

A real friend would respect your thoughts; you can also respect hers without agreeing with them.

If she wants a man to be head of the house that is her choice, and maybe after years of not having a man around she does want that but tearing into you is just not on, not Christian or friendly.

All the best.

Italiangreyhound, thankyou! Especially for saying I'm lovely!!

I had a really long chat earlier to my best friend who shared a flat with awkward friend - she's really very upset at what's been said and was crying on the phone, I think I've seen her cry once ever!

We decided we'd both just leave awkward friend for a week or so and then she will get in touch - knows her better than I do. But awkward friend has basically said that the 2 of us are offensive to her because of our evil feminist gay-loving ways! There's no way she thought this up herself, it's all being parroted from what she hears at church. And so inconsistent - she laid into best friend on fb for being divorced (bf's ex tried to smother her - she only escaped because she worked with violent teens at the time and had been trained to break a hold!) which is "against God's plan" even though she (and it was her choice, I don't judge her about it, it's not my place) has 2 children and has never been married. Apparently it's ok to "come back to God" after all this happened, but not ok to divorce your husband when "unreasonable behaviour" actually meant "attempted murder".

I give up - I need to stop fussing about it, actually. I think it was the comments she made - about me stopping my dh from being a "real man" and that I was letting my children down by teaching them that men and women are equal (I've 2 dds and a ds). I need to walk away ......

weegiemum I personally think you need to leave her to her own thoughts and not allow her to 'pollute' your space with her ideas. Clearly she is going to a church that teaches very different things to what you believe. IMHO it's NOT impossible to go to a church where people teach things differently to what you think, or to be friends with someone who believes or thinks differently to you. (I emphasis not because I sometimes think as Christians we think it is impossible to do so.) However, if that person does not respect your right to a different view, then I think it is very unhelpful.

I spent a lot of time in churches which were anti gay marriage etc and some where women were considered they could not be in leadership. I learnt to follow my own thoughts because at the same time these churches were very loving and kind and had lots of other biblical teaching that I do believe in. I am finding my won way to do this, but it only works when there is a level of mutual respect. I just think you need to focus on your own family and if you friend ever want to seriously discuss your thoughts or learn from them or simply enjoy and respect your friendship them you might wish to open the door to that. I think joking etc won?t work maybe because people whose faith is quite prescriptive may find it quite hard to know when you are joking! She sounds like life s hard at the moment and she probably needs friend but if she can?t accept you as you are then that isn't real friendship IMHO.

Just FYI, I posted this on another thread and I know this is a very old one but I just wanted to share this.

Just watched all of this. It is very long but it is brilliant and moving.

www.upworthy.com/every-biblical-argument-against-being-gay-debunked-biblically?c=go1

I know that thread I posted on was a very old thread, I mean...

Just to update: it was very right to step away. Awkward friend decided to defriended me and best friend on Facebook, (I know, how childish are we all??). When a different mutual - and extremely calm, loving, non confrontational - friend pointed out it wasn't very loving to do that, the friend with the issues went off the deep end, has messages us all saying we're not Christians, going to hell, spiritually abusing our children by believing what we do, she also said all of this by text too and tried to phone but I didn't answer.

I've kept the texts for now but blocked her number and also on fb.

I can't quite believe it, to be frank. I'm a nice person, I've been a Christian for over 25 years, I lead worship sometimes at church, I gain great comfort and challenge from reading the bible and from prayer and meditation. I know I'm a "real" Christian, I wouldn't still be doing it after all this time if I wasn't! No one has ever said such slanderous and vicious things about me, or to my friends. I know I just have to ignore, but it's not nice to be so thoroughly detested, and to be told I'm an insult to God.

It sounds horrible weegie, all I can suggest is you pray for her, you are doing the right thing by blocking contact with her, and her defriending you just shows how worked up she has got about this.

It just seems such a pointless thing to get worked up about. I can't get my head round it. She's part of a church which has recently seceded from the Church of Scotland over homosexuality, because they're so "biblical" that they are still smarting over the CofS allowing women into ministry forty years ago. Seriously! They are very fundamentalist, and she's just parroting what she hears there.

I'm going to stop worrying, really I am. This morning, it's the accusations of Spiritual Child Abuse that are hurting the most. My children love church and are happy there.

She probably thinks she is trying to save you using whatever weapons are in her armoury, which includes getting at you through your children. In her eyes it'll be worth it if she can save you. But what she is doing ISN'T biblical, that is the sad thing about it :(

Their Church sees someone like me (or you, Mary!) as blasphemous, as we have preached and will preach again. So I am to be "saved". Luckily, ranting doesn't work as I don't think I'd really want to be "saved" into that way of life. I did some time (which looking back, I am grateful for) in a very traditional evangelical church, in the end dh and I (we'd just got engaged) left as the preaching was all there was!

Has she ever thought "what if God really has called these 'blasphemers' to preach the Gospel"? I follow God out of love, not fear. I believe God loves me too, and sees me in love, not in judgement. I'd hate to be afraid of Him, to worship out of fear!

One of my other friends mentioned had been brave (?) enough to look at the website of the church this woman attends. A sermon a few weeks ago had been called "Why Grace Isn't Enough!". But I'm saved by Grace! I really need to leave this as I'm in hospital today (for my regular thingy) and last time they did my obs my blood pressure was up!

It's been very helpful to talk it through - the 3 of us on the receiving end of this are really rather bewildered and it's been good to get an outside perspective, so thank you all!

But one last (sorry I'm trying not to be smug) update!

Heard via a 3rd party that the instigator was approached by her minister this morning and told to take it all off Facebook, he'd had several reports from the congregation and she was told it wasn't honouring to God, and it had to go if she wanted her membership application to succeed.

I'll never hear from her again, I'm sure. But I'm glad the stuff about me has gone.