Taking someone else to our local church

[ThinkingItThrough]

I don't know if I am feeling out of order about something my ex-partner is doing or justified in being upset. I am feeling betrayed that he is taking his new partner to church in the village where I live and where we used to attend together.

Briefly, after 16 years and 3 children, we have been separated for over a year (his choice) and he has been seeing someone new for the last 5 or 6 months. He made a decision to search only for a Christian partner and although I go to church sporadically, I do not have the level of faith he is looking for (nor it seems a number of other attributes - trying not to be bitter but sometimes it seeps out - sorry!). I have found this all very difficult, relations between us are not good and am just managing day to day as best I can. However he has now said that he and his new partner are attending my village church service on Sunday (HolyCommunion). He no longer lives in the village though he does attend the village church most weeks. She does not live locally and will be travelling some distance specifically for this.

I only go once every month or even every two months if I miss family service ( just me and my youngest child), but when we were together as a family of five we attended more regularly. It is the church where we had our children baptised and being a very small congregation and village, everyone knows us and also about the split. I last went to church two weeks ago and even then one of the church members came to talk to me during coffee afterwards, asked how I was coping and said she was praying for us.

So his taking his new partner is a big public announcement that he is together and committed to this woman. I will not be there ( I have our children to look after as they do not go to holy communion services), but I feel I am being publically shamed/put in my place - almost as if he is announcing my replacement. I know people will be kind and friendly to him and her but other than that, I don't know what they will think. I do know he intends to marry her and has also been taking her around to visit his family, whom I am no longer allowed to see.

I feel so invaded on home territory and also so embarrassed. I feel as though it is a big announcement of them as a couple and I am just fading into the background. I think I will feel too embarrassed ever to go to church again on my own account.

Can anyone who is more of a believer than me tell me if I am being completely unreasonable to feel this way? It is his local church and he is a regular attender but she has one too that they could attend together, there is also one in his new village. And will the rest of the congregation think it is completely natural and justified? I am sure there is no rule book for this so the views of anyone who has any experience of this would be very welcome. Also of anyone who is a member of a congregation (particularly a small one). Am I making too much of this and is the fact that they are there to worship enough, or will people see this for the statement that I feel it is?

I am sorry that you are going through this. I am not surprised that you are deeply hurt. You were with this man a long time and you had three children with him. For all intents and purposes you were living as if you were married. Is his new "christian" girlfriend aware of the fact that he has three children.

It is not just your feelings, but your children's feelings as well. The whole thing is horrific and very unchristian. You have no reason to feel ashamed.

I imagine that a lot of the congretation would have sympathy with you and your children. Prehaps you should talk to the priest about your feelings. Do you have the contact numbers of any friends in the congretation that you could talk to.

Thanks Really Tired (though am worried I am making it worse!)

Yes his new girlfirend is very aware he has three children (she has two herself though they are very small). He has introduced my two two oldest to her (at her request) and again I feel really jealous about this. I think it is the speed at which this is happening and the definite statement he is making by attending together as a 'couple'. I could speak to one or two of the congregation but would not really want to put them in a position between us or make them feel awkward. They are all a quite a lot older and I am sure would be really sympathetic but also feeling upset for me. Would it be fair to make them feel even more awkward just to make myself feel better and more supported - I don't think so.

Good idea about the priest and I have in fact previously approached him about support for me and my ex-partner talking productively together. He tried to talk to my ex-p but he told him that he wasn't interested in reconciliation with me. I can't see a priest telling someone they can't go to church just because someone else doesn't like it - I would be a bit worried about being the subject of the lesson next week!

I think everyone that goes to the service will try and be nice and accepting of the new woman but I feel mortified. I don't know why though, I can't really put it into words.

Then again it might be the supermarket next time, or he might try and take her to the children's school assembly or something just to make a point. So it might not just be church. But because it is where we had the children baptised and received so many good wishes for our family then, it feels so very painful!

Thanks too for saying it is 'horrific'. That is exactly how I feel.

In fact, most of the time I feel as if I am standing still and having buckets of cold water thrown over me with each new incident or demand made of me by him and her. This aspect probably belongs in a Relationship or Separation topic but it is the worry that I am being unspiritual (I don't really think of myself as an actual Christian because I don't believe the Bible verbatim), over this attending church together that made me post it here. And that I wouldn't be worrying over this if I myself were a better person.

Any philospohical/spiritual/religious tips from anyone on how to cope with (or develop the strength not to mind about), this would be very welcome.

I don't think you are being unspiritual over this. I think your reactions are very normal and understandable. I'm guessing that most of your congregation will be polite, as you have said, but that's not to say they will all approve of him, or not be sensitive to what he is doing to you.

I know it's hard but perhaps you can view this as the "bandage ripping" stage of your life, where it's going to hurt no matter what and this is just yanking it off quickly and painfully. As you said, he's not going to be gone from your life because of the kids. I think seeking help from your priest is a good idea. Is there a grief group in your church? I know these can help support you as well.

I agree that he is acting very selfishly and probably trying to garner support himself. I remember your earlier thread when he was acting all self righteous. He's the one not being Christian about this by lording it over you.

Oh the bandage thing is really helpful, I will try and work with that idea monsterchild. I just feel so battered from all sides. If it were just a friend I had fallen out with (not that I generally do), or even a relationship before children, it woud be so much clearer. But with three children and all the financial and contact stuff to sort, we are always having to be in contact and I am alternately hurt and angry and seem to keep getting knocked right back the start. And you are correct, he is very self-righteous and tells me I am twisted and bitter. In fact also that I am 'a woman scorned' and even a 'devil woman'.

I think he must have had a breakdown but a sort of high-functioning one as he is still working and carrying on ok. This is not the kind and thoughtful family man I once knew and I am grieving so much. A 'grief group' sounds like it might really help process some of these feelings through. I haven't heard of one at my church - it is just a little village C of E. Maybe I will google and see if there is one in my area - just tried - they were all bereavement so I'm not sure if that is open to everyone. I would feel a bit bad banging on about a relationship when other people had lost someone forever. Will keep looking..and thinking 'bandage'! It is really tough some nights and I have been driven to despair really and thought the most awful things.

You can probably tell I'm not a natural 'poster' so thanks to all for wading though the waffliness to lift my spirits!

OP that's terrible.

I'm an atheist but if an expartner of mine and father of my childre suddenly started taking the new person to what had been 'our special place', then I would be very upset.

I think you should talk to the priest / vicar, maybe pray together for guidance.

What I do think the priest should do is ask if he is attending this particular church and service because of his faith, or to 'punish' you?

It's not a very 'Christian' thing to do is it? To humiliate the mother of his children and his children in public.

I was once dumped because my then boyfriend decided he wanted to be a better muslim so I have some idea, but only about 1/4 of what you are going through.

If she (new woman) really is Christian then could you contact her? Explain that this is the church your children were baptised in and that it is special to you and your children.

I think that a church of england priest may well suggest strongly that the two of them attend a different church as neither of them live in the parish. Certainly the feelings of your children should be respected. The priest has a duty of pastoral care to your children as well as to you. Since your family still lives in the parish then you take priority over your ex and his new girl friend.

The priest would be fully in his rights to tell your ex and his new girl friend to find a new church. The church of england prefers people to attend church within their parish.

It is not unreasonable to grieve that the love of your life has left you for a different woman and is parading the fact in front of you.

If your ex was such a good christian he would have married you. In fact modern marriage did not exist two thousand years ago and it could be argue that he is commiting adultary. Certainly he is going against the bible as he is required to love his neighbour as himself.

www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+22%3A36-40&version=NIV

He is a cruel and wicked man to behave like this.

Thanks all. I think sashh has hit nail on the head with humiliation aspect and ReallyTired too :

It is not unreasonable to grieve that the love of your life has left you for a different woman and is parading the fact in front of you.

This is just how it feels, and this in particular like some monstrous invasion but as he is a more regular attender than me normally (because of his alpha copurse and sudden fervent coversion...it's a long story!) , he woud feel he has more right to go to our church than me and I wouldn't challenge that, or ask the vicar to (parish boundaries or not).

it is the taking the new partner with him that seems out of order. I don't think appealing to his better nature and asking him not to go would work. He seems almost to have demonized me and to show a chink of humanity might mean he has to question some of his other actions and so risk feeling gbulty. He is so proud of feeling in control after the demands of family life and possibly a mid life crisis... as I said, a long story!), that I don't think he could allow himself to do that. Of course, his new partner might have suggested going along together and being a man he hasn't seen how hurtful if could be - he wasn't always such a monster or I wouldn't be going through such loss now.

I think I am going to try and embrace the ripping off the sticking plaster approach and ignore it however much it hurts. I won't go along and might not be able to face going back myself for a long time but I think people will realise that it is a very challenging situation for me and be quietly supportive if I do.I'll see on Sunday - will have to find something very absorbing to do!

If I manage to find this inner strength to stay calm and not get upset over this, it will be down to everyone here who has spared the time to read and respond and help me reflect. I am glad others don't feel it is trivial and that I am not going crazy! But acknowledging that has helped me to get some perspective and maybe make it a bit smaller than the nightmare that was looming over me yesterday. Thank you all so much x